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Need help here. Intimacy during Reconciliation..?

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BrokenT posted 4/27/2013 16:19 PM

I find it quite difficult. Mind movies of course. The anger and disappointed. Is it me or her that he's enjoying? Does he think of her or whoever during sex? Am I enough? Do I really turn him on or ...?
Also, in terms of initiating it, I don't know how to do it. I don't think I can initiate sex at all now, even when I feel I really want it I purposely remind myself of what he's done, specially now that he's answered questions he's never answered before so I have new things to add to my mind movies.

If he is to initiate sex how should I respond? It's so awkward. I know he's having a hard time initiating it of fear of getting rejected. Sometimes I feel he's a stranger and I feel his hesitation too so just get turned off. It's like he doesn't know how to become intimate with me anymore, and I certainly don't know how to be myself with him.. Should I accept it and see where it takes us?

How do people move on when it comes to intimacy? Sometimes we cuddle, kiss, we actually sleep in the same bed! Sometimes I don't want him to hold me through the night, sometimes the mind movies take over and I can't get past that!

(sorry I know I posted this before but I got no answers, and I really need some)


[This message edited by BrokenT at 4:27 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

MimiBlue posted 4/27/2013 18:02 PM

I so hear you!!! Im one step behind you coz we sleep in the same bed but I have been so angry I dont want him to touch me. This really is a topic that I think people have a really hard time dealing with. The internal hurt is so there, the urge for intimacy is also there but then that hurt takes over.

I dont have a solution but I wish people who have gone thru this would help in this topic coz I really feel its massive. Its almost like starting the relationship all over again but how do you do it without the hurt popping up?

How have others moved on with intimacy? I would really like to hear from others too.

brokensunflower posted 4/27/2013 18:05 PM

I was the same way til I died my hair and got new sexy lingerie .. he loves it its brought us back together ... try some new ways .. take a shower with him ... but first get comfortable in your own skin ok .. good luck hun

girlsbird posted 4/27/2013 18:56 PM

I also colored my hair and cut it off. (Locks of love got quite a handful). I went back to wearing makeup and bought some new clothes and lingerie. Started to feel really good about myself and it helped my self esteem alot and therefor helped with our (my) sex life. It didn't happen overnight though.
When the mind movies take over tell him. He needs to support you through this.

BrokenT posted 4/28/2013 01:49 AM

((MimiBlue)) sorry to hear you're in the same situation. I did go over the healing library last night and read FAQ for BS and it says it's healthy to have sex during R and it should help with your hurt feelings... I don't know I don't see this working for me.
But ((Borkensunflower)) and ((girlsbird)) I don't have it in me to go die my hair or buy sexy lingerie. Who am I rewarding?? If it's me then no I'm in no mood for lingerie or a new hair cut or color. I would only feel that I'm doing something for him and I don't want to do something for him right now.

blakesteele posted 4/28/2013 08:51 AM

Mind movies suck. I am not sure how to navigate around them....but I love my wife and am committed to figuring this out...which means to let it ride sometimes, engage when I can....repeat..

We have experienced the ultimate rejection. This issue is compounded when I am unable to conclude an intimate session with my wife....

Tough....tough....tough.

God be with us all.

BrokenT posted 4/28/2013 09:04 AM

Blakesteele it sure is tough. I'm not able to figure this out yet. I read on Wayward Side some posts about intimacy issues during R but nothing is answering my questions. Worst thing is I have no one to talk to about this. My sister my dear sister who's been with me through the entire thing until it stopped got married and traveled. I only have this forum... I appreciate any help or suggestions by anyone who is/been in the same situation.

SadFlower posted 4/28/2013 09:12 AM

This truly is tough. I never chased FWH out of my bed on D-Day, although he offered to sleep in the guest room. Sleeping next to him, I was filled with a combination of revulsion and longing. Does this make any sense? Part of me wanted him desperately, part of me didn't want him to touch me. And oh, those mind movies. Ugh!

The part of me that wanted him won, though, and I'm glad it did, because I think that the sex has helped the R. It's better now in both frequency and quality. Do I still get mind movies? Yes, but they're dimming (we're 8.5 months out from D-Day). He's tried a couple of new things, and I do wonder: Did he do these things with her? Then I think, well maybe he did, but he's doing them with me now, and boy, do they feel good!

His remorse and the love he's shown me these past months have helped immensely, too. I can't imagine that we would have any kind of sex life at all if he were not remorseful, not loving, and unwilling to be transparent. (Actually, without those things we would not only not have a sex life, we would not have a marriage. I would have filed for divorce.

[This message edited by SadFlower at 9:15 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

mchercheur posted 4/28/2013 09:19 AM

It helps if we talk first so I feel close emotionally.

I try to stay in the present moment (not the past or the future.) I try to concentrate on what I love about him.

Sometimes I just "play the part".
WH would be happy to have sex every day, even tho he is in his fifties. One of his big complaints about me, which he says led him to have an A, was that I wasn't interested in the same frequency as him.
(I think that most women who are in their fifties, are married for 20something years, work, & have 4 teenagers at home, really want sleep more than anything else. Pre-A, I tried to force myself to do it more,but I guess it wasn't enough.)
So, now I just force myself to do it daily, whether I am in the mood or not.

BrokenT posted 4/28/2013 09:24 AM

Happy for you SadFlower this is really good. But he did what he did himself he didn't need direction. He knew what he did was awful, he was filled with remorse and he wanted to prove his love. And he made you feel it!

When we sleep in the same bed he does touch me, but nothing sexual. And I like it but then I don't. Mind movies start. Sometimes I feel like its "take this hug and this kiss and shut up" I know I've been stuck in this for quite a long time now, but I don't know how to pull myself out, or how to be pulled out.

I haven't seen remorse, real love, openness or transparency yet... This is why I'm here.. but thanks for your reply SadFlower wishing you the best, happiness and success.

SadFlower posted 4/28/2013 18:22 PM

Thanks, BrokenT. I agree, without the WS's remorse and showing love, it's very hard (impossible?) to feel good about sex. And early in R, I felt very ambivalent, even though he was doing just about everything right.

I hope things work out for the two of you. {{{{Hugs}}}}

boontje posted 4/28/2013 23:16 PM

I haven't seen remorse, real love, openness or transparency yet

You don't feel safe yet in your relationship, and this is the reason. It is very difficult to be intimate if you don't feel safe. Perhaps once you start seeing remorse, openness, and feel his love, you will want and need to be intimate with him again. Trust is huge. When it is broken, everything else in the relationship suffers. Is he doing anything at all to rebuild the trust?

BrokenT posted 4/29/2013 01:59 AM

SadFlower thanks again.
Boontje he's been trying to be nice! that's all. He helps in the kitchen, he buys stuff when I ask, he always asks if he can make me coffee or tea. But in terms of opening up, talking, being regretful or making me feel that he is, no!
I'm waiting for him to open up, say something, do something for the relationship, put a closure to what happened or start to work on a closure. Take R seriously.. And I feel like im going to be waiting on him for a long time

heforgotme posted 4/29/2013 09:14 AM

If you are having this much trouble with this at two years out, I would tend to think that he is not doing the work. He has not made you feel safe. And until he does, no amount of lingerie or anything else will fix it.

I am wondering if at this point you guys should try to start from scratch. Date. Find opportunities for all kinds of interactions with no expectation of sex. Talk and talk and talk. Get to know each other again. Maybe you will start to get warm fuzziness again. Or maybe you won't and will have to decide if R is really the best idea.

Good luck. I hope he will decide to truly step up to the plate for you.

Alex CR posted 4/29/2013 09:58 AM

So sorry to hear you are struggling this at two years out. Have you both done IC or MC? Have you read some of the books recommended here: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair? Not Just Friends. The Five Love Languages.

I did find as I took better care of myself and started to feel safer with H, our sex life got better and I was more up for it. But the two of us worked at it together.....R doesn't work if only one person is working on it.

The suggestion that you start dating again is a good one. Hope the two of you can find each other again and put the AP where they belong...outside your marriage instead of in it.

BrokenT posted 4/29/2013 11:41 AM

I like the dating idea but shouldn't he come up with it? I can't just walk up to him and say "I want u to take me out on a date" can I?
It's very awkward for me at the moment. Actually we are on our third day of no talking, except for good morning, u want tea, time to walk the dog...
I'm going to get the books soon. Or at least a book.

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