If he is to initiate sex how should I respond? It's so awkward. I know he's having a hard time initiating it of fear of getting rejected. Sometimes I feel he's a stranger and I feel his hesitation too so just get turned off. It's like he doesn't know how to become intimate with me anymore, and I certainly don't know how to be myself with him.. Should I accept it and see where it takes us?
How do people move on when it comes to intimacy? Sometimes we cuddle, kiss, we actually sleep in the same bed! Sometimes I don't want him to hold me through the night, sometimes the mind movies take over and I can't get past that!
(sorry I know I posted this before but I got no answers, and I really need some)
[This message edited by BrokenT at 4:27 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]
I dont have a solution but I wish people who have gone thru this would help in this topic coz I really feel its massive. Its almost like starting the relationship all over again but how do you do it without the hurt popping up?
How have others moved on with intimacy? I would really like to hear from others too.
my give a damn is busted
We have experienced the ultimate rejection. This issue is compounded when I am unable to conclude an intimate session with my wife....
God be with us all.
The part of me that wanted him won, though, and I'm glad it did, because I think that the sex has helped the R. It's better now in both frequency and quality. Do I still get mind movies? Yes, but they're dimming (we're 8.5 months out from D-Day). He's tried a couple of new things, and I do wonder: Did he do these things with her? Then I think, well maybe he did, but he's doing them with me now, and boy, do they feel good!
His remorse and the love he's shown me these past months have helped immensely, too. I can't imagine that we would have any kind of sex life at all if he were not remorseful, not loving, and unwilling to be transparent. (Actually, without those things we would not only not have a sex life, we would not have a marriage. I would have filed for divorce.
[This message edited by SadFlower at 9:15 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
I try to stay in the present moment (not the past or the future.) I try to concentrate on what I love about him.
Sometimes I just "play the part".
WH would be happy to have sex every day, even tho he is in his fifties. One of his big complaints about me, which he says led him to have an A, was that I wasn't interested in the same frequency as him.
(I think that most women who are in their fifties, are married for 20something years, work, & have 4 teenagers at home, really want sleep more than anything else. Pre-A, I tried to force myself to do it more,but I guess it wasn't enough.)
So, now I just force myself to do it daily, whether I am in the mood or not.
When we sleep in the same bed he does touch me, but nothing sexual. And I like it but then I don't. Mind movies start. Sometimes I feel like its "take this hug and this kiss and shut up" I know I've been stuck in this for quite a long time now, but I don't know how to pull myself out, or how to be pulled out.
I haven't seen remorse, real love, openness or transparency yet... This is why I'm here.. but thanks for your reply SadFlower wishing you the best, happiness and success.
I haven't seen remorse, real love, openness or transparency yet
You don't feel safe yet in your relationship, and this is the reason. It is very difficult to be intimate if you don't feel safe. Perhaps once you start seeing remorse, openness, and feel his love, you will want and need to be intimate with him again. Trust is huge. When it is broken, everything else in the relationship suffers. Is he doing anything at all to rebuild the trust?
So you do it one day at a time until you can't...and on that day you know. If that day never comes the doubt and questions fade and eventually become replaced with strength and conviction.
I am wondering if at this point you guys should try to start from scratch. Date. Find opportunities for all kinds of interactions with no expectation of sex. Talk and talk and talk. Get to know each other again. Maybe you will start to get warm fuzziness again. Or maybe you won't and will have to decide if R is really the best idea.
Good luck. I hope he will decide to truly step up to the plate for you.
I did find as I took better care of myself and started to feel safer with H, our sex life got better and I was more up for it. But the two of us worked at it together.....R doesn't work if only one person is working on it.
The suggestion that you start dating again is a good one. Hope the two of you can find each other again and put the AP where they belong...outside your marriage instead of in it.