"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

hangininthere77 posted 4/27/2013 23:53 PM

Well we were never actually married but we were together for nine years one child together and her son from a previous relationship who was five in the beginning. Forward nine years and on the way home from a prty she shares that she is in love with someone else. We get home and she grabs her keys and heads for the door I ask if she was going to be with him my answer was well I don't want to be with you. Her oldest son was sitting in the living room on the couch for that exchange and our four year old son asleep upstairs. I walked outside and watched her drive away. I was completely devastated we texted briefly she was done wasn't happy with the way I treated her and the last text was "I won't be home tonight" I do have to point out the backdrop of this relationship which was destroyed by a complete night and day view of money, lack of respect,and resentment yes there were alot of cracks no doubt, but I felt at our core we had survived some rough times and were still together I believed in our love and that despite it all we would end up growing old together. I wont sit her and say I did everything perfectly but I can say I know for a fact that I did not deserve to find everything out the way I did it was like that was all on purpose to inflict as much pain as possible well mission accomplished. I of course quickly began searching for information I was able to discover the other person's name and cell phn records gave me my initial contact date. Starting July 25th a number emerges on the cell bill and is verified and I thought about all those days when she looked me in the face and lied with a smile and she was sitting there secretly texting her soul away. In the coming days and weeks it does appear that this other fire burned maybe two to three years prior of course I will never know the exact truth. I've felt it all and I just get lost in the constant replaying in my mind moments from our entire relationship and wondering was it all just one big lie you can't tell me that nine years together didn't mean a damn thing and I can be cast aside so easily without any remorse no apology cold to the bone.

Safeguard posted 4/27/2013 23:59 PM

Hi. Welcome. Sorry you need to be here. "secretly texting her soul away." wow. How many Ws's do that. I found that profound. I feel for you,and the children. How cold. Your WW sounds NPDish. You have come to the right place. Fasten your seat-belt.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/28/2013 00:06 AM

When did this exchange happen?

I ask if she was going to be with him my answer was well I don't want to be with you. Her oldest son was sitting in the living room on the couch for that exchange

Give her son a big, huge squeeze from me. Watching his mom walk out on him must have been soul-crushing for him.

And yes, what she did to you was incredibly *cold*. I'm so sorry.

NoraLee posted 4/28/2013 00:12 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself here with us - but when you've been affected by infidelity - this is the BEST place to be. Please read the healing library (yellow box) there is a lot of information you will find valuable. Post as often as you need and read as much as you can stand. The members here have been where you are now - in pain and completely devastated. Weekends are a bit slow so don't be discouraged...more help will come soon.

You are in shock and it usually gets worse in the beginning, so take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. This will be one hell of a roller coaster ride. As I was told when I joined...your relationship may or may not survive this....but YOU will. You are not alone. (((hanging))

5454real posted 4/28/2013 00:50 AM

Welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join. Happy that you were able to find us, sorry that you had the need.

Immediately, how are the kids? How heartless to do that in front of the child that I'm sure you've raised as your own for the last decade our so. How is he? I can't help but feel his devastation as well as your own. WTF?

First, lets help you so that you can help the kids. In the upper left corner is something called the healing library. You need to read it all, but for now, please focus on BS FAQ #11 and implement it. When/if she gets home, please, please do NOT discuss things with her other than the kids and finances.

Second, you need to set up some appointments. Primarily, a lawyer. Not necessarily to begun divorce proceedings, but to see what your rights and responsibilities are. If divorce becomes inevitable, do not assume that she will automatically get custody. My ex WW(wandering wife) did and she was wrong. Paid me CS for 15 years. The court thought I would make the better parent in spite of the fact there was a half sibling involved.

Third, line up a doctor for STD testing. Unfortunately there is a high percentage of people who are infected with something in this day and age. Your WW probably isn't this guys first conquest. You need to protect yourself. Condoms are NOT effective against all STD's. HPV comes to mind first.

Fourth, watch your health. Make sure you are eating and drinking enough. You're kids will need you at your best to help them through this terrible time. If sleep becomes an issue, or anxiety, please talk to your dr about those as well.

Do you know who the AP(affair partner) is? Please notify their BSO(betrayed significant other) of the ongoing affair. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you? Also, affairs cannot survive the light of day. Get this BS(ya, that one) out in the open. So not tell your SO you are doing this. That is crucial.

Fifth and final. This is a great place to learn. Sometimes the advice doesn't seen to sit right, but there are a lot of people here who have BTDT. The advice is hard earned but generally very accurate.

Again, sorry that you are here. So glad you made it.

Strength

Eta auto correct sucks

[This message edited by 5454real at 12:56 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

hangininthere77 posted 4/29/2013 09:32 AM

Thank you to everyone for your comments its amazing how good it does feel to share these things with people who sadly have experienced the same things. I like the one comment about the greatest club no on ever wanted to join thats for sure. I just wanted everyone to be clear where I was in this whole process I've been out of the house since Dec I do get to be with my son alot on a regular basis due to her swing shift schedule. The transition has been most difficult for me being apart from my son since we did have a very tight bond I always put him to bed at night and whenever he would wake up in the middle of the night he would come for me. The most difficult was that first night where I was in my new place and I called to say goodnight and tell him I love him which I do every night and he said where are you can you come home just come home. I tell you after I got off the phone I cried like a baby to hear him say those words. She is still with this other person who is divorced and has a son of his own but lives in another state with his mother. They both work for the same company but on different shifts my only guess is he worked alot of overtime and he may have filled in on occasion on her shift and they discovered each other. I just learned this week that he will be moving in only eight months after everything went down and the kicker is we just built a new house together only two years ago so not only did he mettle in my relationship and is spending time with my son he is now moving into my house it just keeps getting better and better.