Anyway, a few weeks ago she started to change the nature of our friendship, and I got the sense she was going to tell me she had feelings. I gently brushed off those hints and she seemed to get it. I thought I just wasn't ready to date, but after a few weeks of soul searching I realized my heart wasn't in it for her. I like her, always have, and immediately after my D I thought she was exactly the type of person I would like to be with (trusting, honest, etc.). But I have realized now that immediately following my D I was in a very fragile place, and anyone looked better than xWW. Now with a clearer head I just don't see anything there with Jill. Add to it the complication of her being a coworker of xWW and an administrator at my kids' school...
Long story short, my "hints" a few weeks ago weren't enough. I kinda knew it, but was hoping they would be. Tonight I finally had to tell her that she was a friend, that's all. It hurt her, she had feelings. She said it was fine, but I could tell it wasn't. I know it was the right thing to do since my heart wasn't in it, but it still sucks to hurt someone you care about. Sigh.
Often people think "I'll just ignore them until they get the message". That is a cowards approach, albeit an easier one.
Well done for minimizing her pain and treating her with respect.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
It is a part of dating though. I do know that I tend to cut men off fairly quickly, especially if I can tell they are more into me than I am into them, just so I don't unnecessarily hurt them.
If at all possible, try to not hang out with her for awhile. If she had feelings, it is going to take a little time for her to get over them. You can tell that it isn't "fine" yet, so give her some space. This also will prevent you from sending mixed messages. She will hopefully distance herself on her own.
Waiting would have only made it worse.
((HUGZ))
ME - BW - 35 HIM - XWH - 39 D day: November 15th, 2009 Married: 5 Years, together 8 Divorced: December 13th, 2010 New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
This is how a caring and ethical grown-up deals with these situations. You're a good person.
Is it normal to feel bad after doing something like this, and even second guess yourself?
I am just really down today thinking about hurting her, etc.
Its is normal to feel bad. This demonstrates that you have good character. A regular jerk would just blow it off and move on.
She will be fine. It is part of the process for everyone.
I would have to say that you did well by letting her know.
Keep those communication and honesty skills in your next relationship.
Is she asking because there was kissing/flirting/touching involved already? When I read your post, I assumed that NOTHING had ever happened between you 2. That she was starting to get flirty, but you didn't do anything to reciprocate.
Just seems odd she would ask for a "why?" if you had never crossed the friendship line with her. Do you think she feels like you led her on?
It really is very simple, tell her one last time that you do NOT have any feelings for her, you are NOT attracted to her and you are NOT interested in anything else.
When she said it was OK the other day, she probably had a million things in her mind and was trying not to panic, therefore didn't really hear what you said.
If she is self-aware, she will pull back from you to "get centered" as I call it and deal with the rejection. If she doesn't, I would suggest you pull back and give the relationship some space.
It does suck hurting someone. I still have a few...regrets...but the big picture is that I know I did the right thing by ending early relationships. I may have hurt them a little, but if it had progressed, I would have hurt them a whole lot more.
I would talk to her one last time, in very simple terms, then tell her you need some space to allow everything to settle down.
This makes me really wonder if opposite sex friendships are really possible. I thought I had an OS friend that was clear as could be, and now I'm in this mess. The more desperate she gets about this the less I want to maintain even a friendship. It is bordering on crazy now.
IT isn't your fault that she isn't listening to what you are saying. Especially if you have been very clear to tell her that you are not interested in anything more than a friendship with her.
It is okay to take the time and space to get yourself re-centered. It might take ignoring her... and that is ok. Some people take longer to get the message.
Hugs,
K
Don't let one unstable person keep you from making friends with other people. That's giving Jill way too much power over your life.
It sounds like it is time to stop being nice, and just be blunt. Not mean, but blunt, and then stop taking calls or responding to messages. This is on her, not you. You've done the right thing all along and she is not listening.
So now she is asking me to further explain my decision... She wants to know exactly why I think we should just be friends. Sigh.
Seriously? You dodged a bullet with not being ready to date her. Can you even imagine how controlling and tiresome she'd be in an actual relationship?
Just because she's asked you to explain yourself, doesn't mean you have to. In fact, this is the perfect opportunity for me to again pull out my quick guide to dealing with difficult people that I learned on another forum, years ago. Never JADE - justify, argue, defend, or explain. My life has been so much better since I've adopted this as a way of life!
To JADE is to Justify, Argue (and/or Apologize), Defend, and Explain. You never, ever, EVER want to JADE. JADEing is self-defeating behavior, because it allows the toxic individuals in your life an "in" to beating you into submission. To JADE is to hand over your power to someone else.
By "justifying" your decisions, you hand over your power by giving the other party the right to judge you. Nobody has the right to judge you for your needs.
By "arguing" with the other party, you hand over your power by making their desire to argue with you legitimate. Your needs aren't going to change no matter how much someone argues with you about them.
By "apologizing" to the other party, you hand over your power by admitting you're doing something wrong. You have every right to protect yourself and make sure your own needs are met.
By "defending" your position, you hand over your power by making the other party an authority figure. You're an adult, and fully capable of deciding what you do with your life. Nobody else has a right to tell you how to live.
By "explaining" the reasons for your boundaries, you hand over your power by giving the other party a chance to nullify your own experience. Your experience is your own. It is precious. Nobody else can know whether it's true or not.
I know it can be really really hard to learn new responses to situations, especially situations people have spent years grooming you to react to in specific ways. Fortunately, the script for avoiding a JADE moment is both brief and adaptable. It's something Nancy Regan taught us decades ago: JUST SAY NO!
"No, that won't work for me." "No, I can't do that." "No, thank you."
"No" is a complete sentence.
And when the "but whyyyyyyyyy?"s start, break all the grammatical rules with another one-word answer: "Because."
"Because that won't work for me." "Because I can't do that." "Because I said no."
The third and final step is the really brilliant one. Change the subject.
"No, I told you I won't be doing that. So how's the weather been where you are? Are the azaleas blooming yet?"
Now, there is a difference between JADEing to toxic people who don't have your best interests at heart, and exploring your own reasoning and reactions with people who are trying to help. You have to learn where that line is for yourself, from situation to situation. It takes practice--and that's okay. If you keep at it, it will become second nature, and you'll find your life is a great deal simpler.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
