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EmotionalFool posted 4/28/2013 01:05 AM

I woke up with feeling "I have got this". That confidence and that calmness. I knew what I was doing was right and I am handling the situation in the best possible way. I am thinking about our families and CL. Eventhough all th available options are crappy, I am trying to handle the emotional turmoil in the best possible way. you know "I have got this".

The feeling lasted for hardly 5 mins. I remembered the last time I felt like this. and now I am spiraling down the lanes of despair. Its said here that let go of the outcome and handle one day at a time. In a very weird way I was doing this just before our wedding. I was looking at situations and handle them .. one day at a time ... not thinking about my future.. CL.. families nothing. You know that feeling when the free fall ride starts? that very moment when ur ride drops .. I was falling down .. people who loved me tried puling me up.. bending down . giving me their hand .. shouting "Take care EF.Gather urself together..". OMs standing at the bottom, eating popcorn and laughing shouting "you know what try pulling them down ..That might help.." I panicked and listened to them.. I pulled down the very people who were genuinely trying to help.. Unaware of the fact that OMs put me on the ride in the first place..

I was this wonder woman adored by everybody.. CL held my hand and said.. lets fly.. I was overjoyed. But i said u know what .. let me just help these 2 .. we have all our lives to fly .. unaware that the very people i was trying to save were standing on my robe tearing it down... Now I just look at my torn robe .. unable to fly .. certainly not a wonder woman for CL..

I am trying to pick up pieces.. but just waking up with a feeling confident for 5 mins has put me a in a place where I am questioning my very ability to feel confident .. after all when my loved ones were telling me not to get on the free fall ride.. I just smiled and told them "u worry too much .. i have got this.." When CL asked me to fly with him.. I said "Please wait .. I have a feeling these 2 need help."

How will I ever trust my judgement .. my decisions.. I am so lost and so depressed.

Trying33 posted 4/28/2013 01:56 AM

Not sure how to answer this but just wanted to post to show support and send you virtual good vibes of strength and courage.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. All I can say is this type of reflection and analysis can only help with your evolving and understanding boundaries of what you can and can't manage.

Be kind to yourself today.

UnexpectedSong posted 4/28/2013 02:04 AM

Hi EF... I hear you. Keep hanging on. It's a rough ride, but hang on, okay?

Its said here that let go of the outcome and handle one day at a time. In a very weird way I was doing this just before our wedding. I was looking at situations and handle them .. one day at a time ... not thinking about my future.. CL.. families nothing.

I have not heard "let go of the outcome" as being analogous or similar to "one day at a time". Let go of the outcome means to be authentic. To not be afraid to be heard. Our MC used it to mean... if you want to tell him something, go ahead and tell him. He's man enough to handle it. It means to be strong enough to be heard.

It does not mean to live only for today and not care about the future. (That's how affairs start... as you already stated.) It means to not be afraid to be heard so that your future is more authentic. It means to stand by your boundaries. It means to not be beaten down. It means to have a voice.

The one day at a time thing... That's what you do when something seems insurmountable, like dealing with the aftermath of DDay. It means, one foot in front of the other. It means, you have to process to get through. That things don't get better in one day. That it will take time and it is okay to feel the peaks and valleys.

In my mind, the two are not connected at all.

For you, for right now... One day at a time means to hang on. Stay the course. Letting go of the consequences means it's okay to tell him that you need a break or that you are sad. If he gets angry at that, he will deal with it. At least you have had your say.

EmotionalFool posted 4/28/2013 06:19 AM

I am just so overwhlemed with the destruction I caused... its easy to deny.. easy to blame somebody .. easy to blame the circumstances.. But a lot difficult to take the responsibility ..

I am hit over with ton of bricks again and again .. I dont know if we will ever recover this.. if he will ever recover this.. It scares me that I will carry this burden all my life.. ...I am scared I iwll always feel this bad.. I dont see good days ahead ...

I so badly want to control the outcome but then I realize its my old coping mechanisms acting up again .. and then i sit here clueless not knowing what to do..

Its just getting difficult to get through one hr .. forget about a day .. I just dont know how will I get through all this.. do I even have it in me.. its just looks easy if I die somehow.. not getting suicidal or something .. but it just looks like a logical conclusion ...

I want to be rescued .. saved by CL and again i spot the shitty coping mechanism .. I wonder if i ever thought straight.. I hate myself so much now.. I go to the other extreme and think it would be better if I wasnt born at all..

I am just losing it today

longroadhome posted 4/28/2013 11:30 AM

I've been there, EF, and it sucks. I'm fortunate enough to have found a great IC to talk me through the low points and not jump to medication as a solution (not that there's anything wrong with that for those who need it.)

There's no quick fix. For what it's worth, I think its good that you're really feeling the magnitude of your choices. You're in touch with what you've done to CL and it makes you feel bad about yourself. Sounds like a normal reaction to me.

Just try to remember that living in a constant state of berating yourself and being down all the time is not helping you heal. Its reactive, not proactive.

It was a strange thing, but just after our two-year antiversary, one day I woke up and I was just done. Done being sad, done beating myself up constantly, done feeling like a monster. Everything changed after that. I just wish it didn't take me so long to figure that out.

The secret is, it really is a choice to come out of the dark place and take steps toward being happy again. Not that it's easy and you have to be ready, but it is a choice. I still have bad days, but I face them differently.

You can and will get through this. One day, one hour, one minute at a time is the only option you have, so embrace it. Outcomes have never been in your control, so embrace that. You can only control you, your actions, your outlook, your way of facing each day.

You will get through this.

[This message edited by longroadhome at 11:31 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

EmotionalFool posted 4/28/2013 15:56 PM

Thanks everybody I felt really down for whole day .. but right now I am again in a better spirit. Thanks a lot
Thanks to CL too

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 4:16 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]