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H wants to break NC for his sister

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Uneek posted 4/28/2013 01:59 AM

My SIL very recently left an abusive relationship. We don't know what's going to happen, but she has implied that she'd like to reconcile after her partner has gotten help. Our fear is that the partner will magically be cured in a few weeks or months and SIL will reconcile too soon.

H said tonight, "OW was in an abusive relationship and went back twice before she left for good. If SIL starts thinking of going back, I could see if OW will talk to her."

Uh, say what now? I was too stunned to say anything, but while I think it'd be great to have someone SIL could talk to who would really understand what she's going through, HELL NO should it be the OW, right?

5454real posted 4/28/2013 02:19 AM

You can't fix stupid. AYFKM? Really? No, not in any way shape or form. There has been enough trauma already.

OptimisticWife posted 4/28/2013 03:01 AM

That's a terrible suggestion and I'm angry at your H for even suggesting it. I can only imagine how his suggestion made you feel! (((Uneek)))
Tell your H if he really wants to help his sister to google DV support groups and give his sister a list of places she can contact for support.
It's nice he wants to help his sister but he should not be doing so at your expense. In my mind, YOU COME FIRST!
Good luck (((Uneek)))

avicarswife posted 4/28/2013 03:12 AM

What a terrible suggestion. Even if OW really was in an abusive relationship (it is a frequent part of the narrative and may have been a story to illicit sympathy), why would he want his sister to bond with OW? It sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Safeguard posted 4/28/2013 04:22 AM

Can't believe the lack of decency! Uhhggg! I might have said something like:

"Actually, OW was ABUSIVE to ME, by having an affair with you, so I don't think she's the best person to be handing out advice!"

And then we would have had a serious talk about respect.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 4:24 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

brokensmile322 posted 4/28/2013 06:40 AM

Ummm...that is what the shelter is for?!

This is the R forum so I will stop here!

authenticnow posted 4/28/2013 06:42 AM

How cruel of your WH to even suggest that.

Of all the resources, THAT'S the one he wants his sister to reach to?


callmecrazy posted 4/28/2013 07:49 AM

And due to her being such a fixed person that after abuse she chose to second to you w your H and become the OW.
I think there may be people that left an abusive relationship and actually healed themselves, shes not it.
Also, considerate was he to bring her up...ugh.

StayorLeave posted 4/28/2013 09:43 AM

wow. Totally unacceptable. How could he even suggest such a thing? It's not logical.

refuz2bavictim posted 4/28/2013 11:08 AM

Out of the millions of women out there who have been in this situation....OW is the only person on the planet who could relate????

Has he lost his mind? Or does he find himself clever?

I'm going with lost his mind, as this innocent/helpful suggestion has "obvious" written all over it. Not an ounce of clever here.

2 birds and one stone....break NC with really "good intentions" and still come out looking like a really really "nice guy" while rescuing sister from impending doom.

He is being very disrespectful to you.

I find this to be incredibly disrespectful.

NOT OK EVER!!!!!!!

silverhopes posted 4/28/2013 11:20 AM

"Actually, OW was ABUSIVE to ME, by having an affair with you, so I don't think she's the best person to be handing out advice!"

^^^Exactly what Safeguard said.

Does your H have KISA tendencies? If so, was this part of the dynamic within the A? It would concern me because instead of thinking with extreme remorse and disgust over the A with OW, does he still see her as a dumsel in distress who has something good to offer his family? He of all people cannot afford to see her in a positive light, nor any part of their A.

Uneek posted 4/28/2013 13:09 PM

His was a one sided EA. When he told the OW he wanted to have an affair with her, she told him he needed to talk to me because clearly there were problems in the marriage.

I do know that she was in an abusive relationship - her sister is a friend of the marriage and was for a couple of years before OW even met H. Yes, he has KISA tendencies and one of the things we realized in therapy is that he couldn't be my KISA and was feeling quite beat down about especially with the family he came from that says the man is the head of the household, blah blah blah. He felt like I didn't need him and let's be honest, I didn't then and I don't now. But I did - and do - WANT him. OW needed him, so that was the draw.

If SIL already knew OW I could understand it being a good resource - someone she knows and trusts and all that. But to my knowledge SIL has never met OW, so there's no difference in her talking to OW than if we just found some random person of the street for her to talk to.

I will definitely bring it up with our therapist, and if H mentions it again before then I will tell him I'm not comfortable with that. So far as I can tell, he hasn't broken NC yet, but I don't trust that it would be a one time thing if I allowed it.

Lionne posted 4/28/2013 18:13 PM

Oh honey, he's looking for an excuse to contact her and using his poor sister as that excuse. He's still foggy and needs a kick in the behind.

It definitely needs to come up in MC.

disgust posted 4/29/2013 10:26 AM

Oh please.

Oh honey, he's looking for an excuse to contact her and using his poor sister as that excuse. He's still foggy and needs a kick in the behind.


There are many good programs available for abused and battered women. People with the proper training to handle those situations. The fact that his first thought was to call the OW really bothers me.

crazyblindsided posted 4/29/2013 16:32 PM

My WH said the same thing to me in regards to MOW (before I knew she was sleeping with my WH). I had previously been in an abusive relationship and WH thought I could help MOW. I actually used to feel very sorry for her, until I found out what was really going on.

Oh honey, he's looking for an excuse to contact her and using his poor sister as that excuse. He's still foggy and needs a kick in the behind.

^ This is why I think he wants to break NC too.

I would have have blown my top hearing any shyt like that.

heartache101 posted 4/29/2013 16:40 PM

OMG! He DID not say that!!!
He thinks soo highly of OW does he!! OMG!!!

ugh! posted 4/29/2013 16:40 PM

Absolutely not - this is NOT OK. There are plenty of other resources available to persons in abused relationships. He has GOT to be kidding. NO NO NO.

Uneek posted 4/29/2013 18:09 PM

Thank you for validating my immediate reaction. I didn't say anything in the moment because I keep second guessing that what happened was a big deal. NOT because he's telling me otherwise - he takes full ownership and knows that he messed things up but good - but something in me is saying "this isn't a big deal, let it go, move on, you're making a fool of yourself" etc.

Last night I got really frustrated thinking about the whole thing so I brought it up to him. He was abundantly sorry (of course), but I do think it was genuine. We talked about how it made me feel and he said "I understand why you'd feel that way, I wasn't thinking when I said it." No shit, sherlock.

He asked why I didn't say anything in the moment and I told him it was because I was shocked, and also because I was afraid he'd think I was making a big deal of nothing. He told me "no, you're not, and I'd say you've got at least a few more years before I'll be thinking you need to start moving past this."

I will still bring it up in MC, of course, if only to keep our C in the loop. I feel ok with the way he handled it though.

Gottagetthrough posted 4/29/2013 18:15 PM

absolutely NO.

Your SIL can speak to women at a DV shelter or DV group. They are all over and you just have to google domestic violence help in your city and something is sure to pop up

Rebreather posted 4/29/2013 18:24 PM

Ha ha ha ha.


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