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toasted22 posted 4/28/2013 04:17 AM

My wife keeps going over my affairs. I keep talking about it with her and I try to give answers to questions that I really don't have that many answers. It just seems to make matters worse. I talk, she asks questions. Clarification constant.

We seem to make some progress and then more questions and backwards we go.

Is this normal?

Any advice?
thanks for being there

authenticnow posted 4/28/2013 05:25 AM

Yes, it's normal. It seems like it's making it worse at the moment, but it's what your wife needs. My BH described it as a huge puzzle that I had all the pieces to, but all the things he didn't know were missing puzzle pieces for him.

He needed to keep asking the questions so he could put the puzzle together. The missing pieces, the not knowing, was driving him crazy.

Also, he said he kept asking the same questions over and over because his gut was screaming and he knew I wasn't telling the truth. (He was right. I Trickle Truthed him twice)

You have to feel it to heal it. There is no way around the pain, for you or your BW. You go THROUGH it.

I try to give answers to questions that I really don't have that many answers.
What don't you have answers to?

Clarification constant.
Your BW's world was shattered. This helps her gain control over things.

I want to add that if there's anything that you're leaving out, anything you haven't told her, please tell her today. TT kills chances of R, and it is brutal for the BS. No more lies, and that includes lies of omission.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 4/28/2013 12:46 PM

I am a BS and will try to be gentle.

The title of your post is a bit confusing (disturbing) to me.

Maybe it's my own preconceived notion but the term "Dredging" as used in the phrase "dredging up the past" has negative connotations. It is a term that is generally used when someone brings up something from the past that they should probably be over by now. If I am mistaken then please let me know. Or disregard my post.

Your wife's world was destroyed by you about two weeks ago when you revealed your affairs. (I am basing this on your other post when you said you finally revealed the truth in early april--don't know if there was trickle truth or gaslighting)

But now that she nows the "truth" she has to make sense of her life, and the utter destruction of her marriage.

When she asks questions....if you take the attitude that she is dredging up the past or that she should be over this by now...then R is never going to work...ever.

She is still trying to make sense of why her world was destroyed. She's gonna have a lot of questions, your answers are going to cause her pain and more questions. She's going to go over the same questions and answers over and over. It's part of dealing with the trauma. It is going to be uncomfortable. To be frank, you should be thrilled that she is even giving you the chance to talk about these things instead of just packing her bags and moving on.

I don't particularly mean to be harsh here, but please read some of the healing library articles, particularly Joseph's letter. It should help a bit.

Good luck, hang in are about three weeks into a very long process. And it's gonna be bumpy.

And don't get hung up about things like

We seem to make some progress and then more questions and backwards we go.

It's been just over two weeks since her much progress do you expect her to have made?

[This message edited by wonderboy at 12:51 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]

toasted22 posted 4/28/2013 13:55 PM

Thanks, its good to have the feedback. Have a good week

toasted22 posted 4/28/2013 23:15 PM

Yes, I Trickle Truthed. A lot of shame for what I did. I still look at and shudder that I could do all of that.

I have told her everything. She seems pretty shut down to me today.

Her love language is Act's of Service and so I have been doing lots of that.

I know I can't just put this behind me and ignore it but I keep knocking on her door she isnt answering.

Any ideas on how I can engage with her about the affair's? I havent got any more details to share or expose.

I feel quite stuck.

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