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heavy lifting at home?

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Yakamishi posted 4/28/2013 06:51 AM

I saw this in another post, but didn't want to hijack.

But what does one do at home to continue what they've worked on in MC?

I all this because I'm frustrated with or progress at times.

blakesteele posted 4/28/2013 08:35 AM

I dont have a lot to go on here...no profile and very little to your post. BUT I am starting to learn what heavy lifting looks like in MY home.

It really started with my wife reading How to Help Your Spouse Recover from Your Affair. In this book the WS is given specific direction in a short, easy to read format. It speaks to what every day actions should be taken to help the A get dealt with effectively.

I do see that you have experienced multiple A events in your married life...have these been with the same OM or different? Is your wife in IC?

Only 9 months into this...but has become apparent that my wife has something broken deep within her...she is IC to try and define and work on it.

This is really tough. I get frustrated too. I am very much an attack an issue type of person while my wife is very much lets avoid it type of person.

God be with us all.

5454real posted 4/28/2013 10:33 AM

Is she addressing her alcoholism? Not much point in doing any heavy lifting until that is under control.

Right now IMO, unless she has that under control, anytime she gets stressed (heavy lifting) her response will need to turn to the bottle. Gotta get that mindset changed.

Good luck

Yakamishi posted 4/28/2013 11:09 AM

She's been great in allot of aspects. She drinks once or twice a week, and in great moderation. (i say that but it's only to my knowledge. We all know how that works). She's apologetic, carrying. But there doesn't seem to be any hard work.

5454real posted 4/28/2013 12:54 PM

Is she reading about herself or the affair? Not Just Friend, After the Affair, any type of infidelity resource? What work is she doing on herself? Sound like no on dealing with her alcoholism. That's scary.

In the home, is she bringing the A up to you? Does she go out of her way to help with triggers? Open to any and all questions without getting defensive? All electronics open without passwords?

Is she working on the marriage? Making it not only a safe place for you to be, but an attractive one. More intimacy (yes, sex included). Unsolicited signs of affection. PDA's? Giving you reasons to want to stay.

All of this IMO isn't optional. This is what's referred to as the heavy lifting. While she is doing all of that, you need to be working on fixing you. Your recovery needs to come first. Also, while the decision to R has been made, have you analyzed why? There is a whole new dynamic at play here. Who wants to stay with a cheater? I have made that decision also, but my reasons won't be yours. I would suggest looking though.

Strength

Yakamishi posted 4/28/2013 14:38 PM

In the home, is she bringing the A up to you? NEVER

Does she go out of her way to help with triggers? She comforts me when I trigger

Open to any and all questions without getting defensive? Not truly, she says she doesnt rmemeber

All electronics open without passwords? Yes. All. No resistance what so ever


Is she working on the marriage? Making it not only a safe place for you to be, but an attractive one. Yes. Lots of love, suddling, compliments

More intimacy (yes, sex included). Yes, HB. Much

Unsolicited signs of affection. Yes, alot actually

PDA's? I dont know what that is

Giving you reasons to want to stay. Yes, some great days, but some frustration. Like going out with her friends. or refusing polygraph. The poly is becoming a deal breaker.

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