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Yesterday was DS7's First Communion. My WH bought his suit, bought DS1's suit, got DS7 a gift he really loves, he was really involved in the day. I was happy that he stayed so active in this event.

What was really really hard was having to sit next to him in church for over an hour. Particularly during the sermon which was all about nurturing and caring for your marriage so the love doesn't flicker out. How easy it is to fall in love, but staying in love took effort, respect, work, etc. I couldn't help if, I started crying, to my absolutely horror, in front of him, my kids, 300 congregants including my in laws and mom. I tried to play it off and keep quiet, and said it was because I couldn't believe how big my two older kids are, etc etc. My kids bought it, but I doubt anyone else did.

Afterwards we took pictures, I made sure not to have any with him. It was so very awkward. Then I took the kids out to dinner, minus him, came home and poured a huge glass of wine.

I did get in a cheap shot though. Halfway through the service I leaned over and told him that it was a shame that this new baby wasn't going to be gorgeous like his current three because all OW's children are so hideous. Low blow I know, and horrible to say about children, but sometimes I get so sick of turning the other cheek and taking the high road. His response was was sigh angrily at me, like he can't believe what an angry, hate-filled person I've become. As if it has nothing at all do with him, ha.

It's so difficult to be around him. I'm still in love with him and have so much trouble reconciling the facts of what he did to me with the man I knew. He has been my rock, my best friend, my safety for 12 years. I met him 4 months after graduating high school, that's my whole adult life. I can see and feel how done he is with me, he's simply not in love with me anymore. He has HER now, and the baby on the way. He can sit and talk to me no problem, doesn't try to fight with me, there's no emotions involved at all.

That, I think, is the worst part of all of this. He is done, he simply doesn't love me anymore.

[This message edited by Zamas at 8:39 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

Please read "She's Special" - 2nd article down.

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

It was a huge lightbulb moment for me.

He didn't stop loving you honey - he isn't capable of loving anyone except in the way described in the article.

I've also realised a painful truth. I never really loved him. I didn't know him. The man I thought I loved and married was a mask. I sure did love the way he loved me though so I ignored so many yellow and red flags. I was "special", you see.

I certainly didn't think he would ever cheat on his children's mother and put them through what he and I went through. Never. Ever. Not the man I loved.

I promise it won't always hurt this bad. I was on the floor for months and didn't believe it when they said it to me. But its true.

((Zamas))

I never thought the man I loved my whole adult life (over 20 years together) could do this to the mother of his kids either, because HIS mother has suffered so much due to his father's infidelity and divorce. All the children in his family are damaged in some way because his father is a complete narcissistic cheating bastard and will always be one.

But he did. And he is definitely NOT the man I believed him to he for all of my life. He is a dirty low down piece of shit under my shoe. And he, like your wayward, deserves all that is coming to him as a result of his despicable behavior as a cheater.

He just came to pick up the kids and somehow we were talking while waiting for them to get ready. At some point in the conversation he said, "I'm sorry you're not over me yet. Just know that I did you a favor bc when you finally are you're going to be so much better off."

Ugh. Gag me with a stick. It just sucks being reminded over and over again that he is totally over ME though. He doesn't miss me at all.

Zamas, he WILL regret this. He will also come crawling back when he realizes she's not what he thought she was. I hope you know that you will move on and one day realize that you are so lucky to be free of this piece of crap man. Honey, he doesn't deserve you. Plain and simple.

What a prick.

Girl, he deserves a swift kick to the balls for his shitty comment. Hugs. You WILL be over him someday, and he will realize what he lost. He doesn't deserve you.

Your heart just simply hasn't had time to catch up to your head yet. It will get there - your dday is not that long ago. Be kind to yourself and start making a list of all the shit he did to piss you off. It will be helpful during your low points. Also, remind yourself that you are the winner in this - how is a liar and a cheat that walked out on his family a prize. If it is I don't want to even be in that race, let alone win.

And btw, before I knew my wh was cheating but thought we were just having "problems" he too would say how much better off I would be without him. And you know what? He WAS right about that. I'm SO much happier now. I have my bad days/hours, but by and large I'm happier without him.

You'll get there honey - give it time!

What a disrespectful, egotistical, sack of shit.

You'll find your anger soon enough friend.

Time to kick into full No Contact (read up about it in the Healing Library). It will help you to detach. NC = no new hurts.