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popitdaddy posted 4/28/2013 08:52 AM

So, I barely just filed against my STBXWW and I already have a date with a woman to take to a wedding.

I didn't think I'd be ready for a long time and am still not sure how good of an idea it is.

Escorting her to a wedding is one thing, but she's already invited me to watch movies at her house, ALONE. She even hinted at the notion that I should go on trip she has planned to Baja Mexico!

I do like this lady but I feel things should happen very slow at this stage. I had a very traumatic year last year.

Plus, I'm not sure of any possible adverse effects it might have on my D if word got out.

How do I continue to pay attention to her but at the same time, let her know I wanna keepy distance for a while without hurting her feelings?

Also, when I go out with her somewhere on a friendly date, do I tell my STBXWW as a courtesy?

She11ybeanz posted 4/28/2013 09:02 AM

I would be completely and totally blunt honest with her! Say, "I like you, BUT, I think we need to keep this on a friendship level and leave it at the wedding for now!" Tell her you aren't ready to have movie dates at her house and DEFINITELY are not ready to go on trips with a new person yet. You need time to heal! I had a couple of rebounds after XWH and now I have a 9 month old daughter! I learned the hard way....cause I'm also a single mom! Your head right now is still foggy from everything and you will NOT make good, rational, and clear decisions on dating....especially the right people. You need YOU time right now and being alone, going to IC, and healing is the best way to get to a healthy place where you will be ready to date! And, THEN, the person you end up with will be SO lucky that you waited! Trust me!

SBB posted 4/28/2013 09:06 AM

Also, when I go out with her somewhere on a friendly date, do I tell my STBXWW as a courtesy?

Sorry, but...

Fuck me. You're more faithful in D than these Waywards are in M. You are an honourable human being friend.

But.. HELL.NO. You don't tell her. You don't tell her anything about you unless it relates to kids/finances.

She lost rights to that sort of info when she started fucking around on you. She certainly did when R ended.

I'm sure others will be along to give you advice on the lady friend. My picker is still on the fritz big time so there is no way in hell I would pursue anything more than casual at this stage.

Quite frankly I've been quietly judging guys who have tried to start relationships with me - I've been separated not even a year yet. I'm not D. Its almost as if they can smell blood in the water or something.

She11ybeanz posted 4/28/2013 09:26 AM

Yes...I also agree that others can smell blood in the water when someone is separated or newly divorced! We are extremely vulnerable like a wounded lamb dropped in the ocean.... paddle for shore my friend!!! There is no good to come out of floating around and testing the waters at this stage....

newlysingle posted 4/28/2013 12:42 PM

I agree with telling her you need to keep it as friends for now. I've been going to a divorce support group and they suggest you remain single for 1 year for every 4 years you were married. So in my case that would be 2 years as I was married for 8. You may not necessarily have to stick to that exact amount, but it's a good gauge to let you know how much healing time you might need.

And no, you do not need to tell her about a date. She didn't feel the need to tell you about her dating while she was married! I've decided that when I do start to date again, I will only let STBXH know when I feel it's time to introduce the kids.

Amazonia posted 4/28/2013 13:08 PM

Yikes, lots of red flags with this woman... A wedding is kind of an intense first date, and you haven't even gone out but she's already planning romantic trips for the two of you? Eek! Be careful of people who so desperately want a relationship that they don't bother getting to know you to see whether they want a relationship with you.

Must Survive posted 4/28/2013 15:54 PM

I agree with Amazonia. There is no way I would ask someone who I had just started dating to a wedding. I learned the hardway after my first divorce. People who come on really strong right at first usually leave really quickly too.

popitdaddy posted 4/28/2013 16:33 PM

In all fairness, she already planned the trip; she just implied that she would probly like me along

But yeah, I'm sure I need more time to heal than I probably even think; but one thing I realized is that even though I haven't been "single", I have been "alone" essentially for 2 1/2 years when you count the years of my WW leaving me in the bedroom while fucking someone else with me being miserable and none the wiser....but I digress....

I've actually known this woman at work for 3 years since she started in the office. So we've known each other for a long time, we've just never really "gotten to know" each other, KWIM? :-)

phmh posted 4/28/2013 16:56 PM

Be careful about excusing away red flags so glibly. There is a lot of wisdom here and people who want you to use them as cautionary tales so you don't make the same mistakes :)

Amazonia posted 4/28/2013 16:57 PM

Be careful about excusing away red flags so glibly.

...yeah. We're not a group to say "we told you so" but I know when I pissed on the advice I was initially given, and it bit me in the butt, there were more than a few people thinking it

popitdaddy posted 8/13/2013 14:49 PM

This is an old post but just for the record, I'm SO SO glad I was careful with this lady. You guys were right about those who come on hard and heavy.
She kind of backed off when I didn't sleep with her right away.
I later found out that she's fooled around with at least one married man from the office.

NO THANK YOU!111

nowiknow23 posted 8/13/2013 16:07 PM

Yay for being careful!

Such a great testimonial, popitdaddy.