I'm really, really sorry.
I'm a church organist and pregnant and have to sit on the alter with them all looking at me, while going through much that you are.
They ask the usual niceties when I hardly feel like any part of the morning is good!
How to be polite when your world is crumbling, when you know they mean well, but you don't have a pleasant thing to say at all?
How to smile and pretend when they haven't done anything wrong, but your world is shattering?
I just wanted to say that you are going through just what I did and what I will offer is an idea that I did not think of because I was so desparate for him to be home safe and for M.
I will offer up this idea: that maybe, just maybe it's too early in your discovery period to go full throttle back to M? That maybe some stages or parts of M could be worked on but all of it doesn't have to be at once?
I tried to do this with STBXH and he didn't have a clue. Like, if I couldn't trust him, how could other things happen? But because of my warped brain and things he did and said, I worked like a dog to please. And ended up angry at myself and not healed.
It doesn't sound like your emotions are healed, so if you can be careful of your interactions with WH, that would be my other advice to offer.
This is brand new "again" and you have to re-discover yourselves all over again, but you have knowledge about WH now that you didn't before and that changed who he is for you and in your mind.
Advice was given to me bu a wonderful Dutchwoman who said to go slower than we did and I wish now that I took it, for our lives are going to be forever different. She said, "date him again", don't even live with him again yet, he should woo you and all of that". But we went gung-ho back in to M and R and it backfired, largely because of time and because of the A.
I hope any of that helps and hope you will be ok...I have lived this, too.Ashland 13
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.