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Bad Day -- 2 weeks out from final disclosure

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mysticpenguin posted 4/28/2013 10:31 AM

We are officially in R and WH is generally being really really good -- reassuring me, reading what I ask him to, discussing it with me, finally opening up about his feelings (for the first time in our whole marriage I actually understand what he's feeling! he has literally never discussed his feelings with me before), we're learning more healthy ways to fight... But.
He adheres to an extremely strict diet, NO cheating or slip-ups allowed, etc. etc.

Well, today is a significant day for him. I don't currently have a car (we traded my car & his car because we're about to move), so if I want to go anywhere or anything I have to ask him. I know this is a huge pain for him because I used to be the main chore / errand person.

He asked me not to do anything for him on this significant day today. When he says "please don't do anything for me," I hear, "don't go spending a ton of money." Okay fine. Well, this morning our rescues were going wild and woke me up at like 5am.

My thought was, I'll do today's errands run so he doesn't have to go to the store today.

What happened was the dog apparently started freaking out because I changed her routine and woke him up. This makes dieting really hard because it's an extra 3 hours he has to be hungry for -- at this stage in the game that is a big deal. It's like, starvation level hunger.

So he called me and yelled at me, and I tried to explain, and he said, "I am really really angry because you can't seem to follow simple directions. I told you not to do anything for me! Now you disrupted the whole day and I'm going to be starving." I apologized but he continued to get angrier and angrier and then I, because I am SO acutely insecure and afraid right now, badgered him a little bit just to get a response, to know we're still okay. (I hate how insecure I am now.) That just made him more mad. He won't let me explain my rationale. I know it looks like I am a horrible listener
I just wish I could defend myself. I am really struggling right now with knowing that the "main other woman" I guess you'd call her is thinner than me and has nice boobs (I despise mine) and I know that's my fault for asking for a picture... I feel so inadequate.... It's just, I don't have much to hold onto when I think, "I'm a better option than OW because x, y, z." So I am holding onto shreds -- the shreds of my ego, it feels like, and I'm so protective of them.... I don't know. I'm so hypersensitive. It sucks.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:04 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

sodamnlost posted 4/28/2013 10:51 AM

Why on earth does he think he can act like a spoiled two year old? Why are you letting him? What's more important - you or his competition?


gonnabe2016 posted 4/28/2013 10:59 AM

I think your WH owes you an apology.

He's the one that's chosen a lifestyle that includes starving himself. He gets to deal with the consequences of that choice. Shit happens....and it's not YOUR job to walk around on eggshells all of the time so that your WH is always perfectly comfortable.

He's a big boy.

You should have told him to go eat a donut.

silverhopes posted 4/28/2013 11:28 AM

Agree, your H definitely owes you an apology.

I know it looks like I am a horrible listener (I also screwed up yesterday and sprayed a product on the tires of the truck instead of the rims like he wanted, and I put something down where I wasn't supposed to and made a mess, and I forgot the grocery list right after he told me to grab it.)

It is fairly common after D-Day to feel disoriented. Your world has just (2 weeks ago, which is pretty much yesterday, not a long time) been turned upside down, and it's not going to be right-side-up for a long time. Has your H read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald?

Did he listen at all when you tried to explain that you were doing it because you were trying to do something nice for his birthday? Or did he cut you off? That's concerning too, because dieting or not, he owes you the respect to listen to you and acknowledge you. At this time, you need his support more than ever. If dieting is this stressful for him, then maybe he needs to prioritize, NOT diet right now, and instead focus on the very real stress he injected into your life by having an affair.

I am really struggling right now with knowing that the "main other woman" I guess you'd call her is thinner than me and has nice boobs (I despise mine) and I know that's my fault for asking for a picture... I also feel so inadequate because she has a B.A. and I am graduating with my stupid A.A. / A.S. and I'm so behind everyone else, including her....

Does he know you feel this way? Rather than putting his energy into dieting, he needs to put his energy into supporting you and helping you heal from what he did.

Knowing posted 4/28/2013 13:45 PM

This is a very stressful time for both of you, especially you.

Do not believe that his As had anything to do with you or your appearance. Affairs happen because the WS is broken inside. An A is proof of maladjustment in the WS, poor coping skills, poor judgement, a personality disorder or sexual compulsion. It's something inside of them.

[This message edited by Knowing at 3:31 PM, April 28th, 2013 (Sunday)]

NoraLee posted 4/28/2013 16:48 PM

Your WH is being a total dick...everything he's put you through with the A and he's yelling at you for stupid inconveniences? Do you feel he is grateful and appreciates your gift of reconciliation?

About your appearance...we can all look at ourselves and point out the things we wish were different but girl! You are a bikini competitor!! Your boobs have got to look nice if you compete in bikinis!!! Don't tear yourself down because your WS was broken...hear that now mystic...HE was broken NOT you.

You sound like a kind and loving woman who is very supportive...sorry, but your WS should be treating you better...was there ever a point where he felt he might lose you because of the A?

SeeThingsNow1 posted 4/28/2013 19:54 PM

go eat a donut...LOL

mysticpenguin posted 4/29/2013 19:00 PM

Thank you guys so much for all the replies!! Wouldn't you know but a few minutes after I posted he came in & we made up & discussed that our fighting style really still needs work.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:05 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

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