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Unagie posted 4/28/2013 10:53 AM

I har a nightmare this morning and I know OM was in it because his name was in my head when I woke up heart racing, feeling scared, gasping for air this morning. Lately I've been having an issue with mental NC. Its not fond memories or reminiscing that's happening its full on regret. I remember what happened and try to think of what I should have done. I think of what would happen if he bumped into me in the street and I would ignore him and how good it would feel to do that, to show that he no.longer matters but then I think you're giving him too much headspace. Sometimes he's never in my head at all and sometimes I wish he would suffer and then I realize what I'm thinking and examine why. Each time that thought comes into my head is when I am in the most despair about my relationship and I realize I want to think I'm not alone in this misery. Once I realize this I shove myself back into the right track again but feel guilty for giving OM any type of headspace.

Any suggestions? I know I'm going to get some 2x4's and they are welcome. I am trying to focus on me and letting go of the outcome but its hard to let go when I just want to be happy with SO again and it feels like its been forever since I've been truly carefree happy. I'm scared that woman is gone forever.

thumbelina posted 4/28/2013 11:12 AM

Unagie, thanks for bringing this up. It is a concept I have been thinking of a lot lately as well. Like you, when AP enters my mind it is more of a "how could I?" icky feeling. Any sort of reminiscing or fondness is long gone. However, I agree that headspace is headspace, no matter the nature of the rumination.

Some things I do that may help you: when he enters my mind, sometimes I involuntarily shiver and shrug my shoulders. When I DON'T do this, I make myself. It feels very symbolic as a way to rid myself of this negativity and nastiness. Another thing I do is immediately replace the thought with one of my BS. And I try as much as possible to put it into positive action, such as sending him a loving text or email or, if we're together, telling him how much I love him.

And I may get 2x4s for saying this, but please be gentle with yourself. Your AP is someone you presumably spend a lot of time with for a period, and is someone you devoted the majority of your headspace. Even with vigilance, it can take awhile for this to fade. Especially when the A is front and center in your life, and you are likely talking about it frequently with your partner, and in IC, MC, etc. It is just an unavoidable topic, and one you need to retrain yourself to have different thoughts about.

I don't know if this helps or not, but it is what I feel is working for me. Patience with the fact that there is no on/off switch in my brain, and also responsibility for the fact that my thoughts are within my control to redirect and change.