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Am I reading too much into others' reactions?

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FeelingSoMuch posted 4/28/2013 14:50 PM

My friends and family members all say they're supportive of our recovery. It's been two months and eight days since my wife cheated and three weeks since she broke NC.

I feel that at the same time people are saying they want the best for "us" and that they want us to recover, I feel that they don't really mean it. That they think it's beyond recovery.

I know what they think shouldn't matter, but are they seeing something I'm not? I don't feel good about our chances of recovery because the affair was so prolonged (9 months), but I want recovery so badly.

My wife says she's committed to recovery, continues going to MC with me, but they still work together. She says they have no contact other than work emails.

For the veterans here. Am I only setting myself up for future disappointment? Is there even a way to know that?

I just hate feeling like I have no value when I know I'm not a bad catch.

NoraLee posted 4/28/2013 15:17 PM

I'm not a veteran but I'd like to respond...most people don't understand the complexity of infidelity. Unless they've been in our shoes, they see it as black and white. I certainly am not responding and reacting the way I always thought I would. So it's not that they see something you don't, it's that they can't get it unless they've lived through it.

Successful R depends on honesty, transparency, and continued and sustained hard work on the part of both spouses - but especially the wayward. If your WW is fulfilling these through action then as long as it doesn't become a deal breaker for's doable.

Also, it could be that the people who love you are angry for you and don't believe WW deserves a second chance. But they are supporting your wishes and over time and successful R...they'll come around...

stratus722 posted 4/29/2013 00:06 AM

I felt the same way in the beginning. There is so much confusion and uncertainty of the unknown. We can't control anyone other than ourselves and that makes it hard. We've been in R for 4 years. It gets easier with time but will always be there. If R is something that you want don't give up. It's better to know that you gave it your all and tried.

ItsaClimb posted 4/29/2013 01:31 AM

What NoraLee said is spot on.

People who have not been through infidelity don't understand. I have learned the hard way not to be swayed by what other people say or think. (My best friend is no longer speaking to me because she "can't understand why I am making a big deal about something that happened 9 years ago") Unless you have faced infidelity you have NO IDEA what it is all about.

Trust your own instincts.

healingk posted 4/29/2013 07:12 AM

As some have said, unless you have experienced infidelity you have no idea! Cheating was always a dealbreaker for me, I always thought that I would be out the door if my H cheated. so when it happened I reacted so differently that I thought. What helped me most was that I said I would make no major decision for one year, and then at that point I could walk out if I felt the need or felt there was no hope. Of course that stipulation was with WH being transparent, NC and trying to do whatever. No one can make any decision for you, it has to totally be up to you.

Try to concentrate on yourself, you do have value! This really does take lots of time, and has to all be your decision, just do not make it based on anyone else but yourself, this is one time for you to be selfish, and do what is best for you.

[This message edited by healingk at 7:16 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

numb&dumb posted 4/29/2013 13:46 PM

I have kept my situation to myself for that reason. It can hard not to listen to people, probably some you trust more than your W right now. It is your life, you have to live it. Take opinions from outside with a grain of salt.

My wife says she's committed to recovery, continues going to MC with me, but they still work together. She says they have no contact other than work emails.

I only caution you as someone who has been through this before and you were asking for feedback.

Other than telling you things, and MC, what has she done ? Actions are about the only thing you can go off of. Going to MC is fine, but what is she doing to fix herself so that she can be safe enough for you ?

Look it is not the first time anyone has been in this were the WS tries to appease their BS for a time, hoping it will go away. I am not saying that is the case with you, but forgive me reluctance to see what you have described as more than a bare minimum.

The fact that they still work together seems off to me. Are there any plans for her to look for another job ? Are you just suppose to "accept" that they communicate and be OK with it ?

Trouble with most of what she is doing is that it is coming from someone who has proven that they will lie to you. You don't go to MC and automatically get trust at the level you had before. The burden of proof is on the person who lied to prove that they are now being honest. Especially since NC has already been broken once.

Has MC addressed her A at all ? Or are you talking mostly about martial issues you both have ? MC is there to fix the M, not address fallout from her choices.

If I had to ask you outside of continuing to go to MC, What actions has your W done ? Books, IC, transparency, looking for a new job. Be wary of words that don't match actions.

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/29/2013 17:41 PM

Thank you for your responses. We've read books together, she's given me her passwords to her email accounts, including work.

Two things I'm uncomfortable with, they work together and she "pulls away" when the affair comes up. I hear a lot from her about it being up to me to do the things I need for myself. She's right, up to a certain point. To me a marriage involves two people and regaining trust involves two people. As she makes me feel safer, I should trust her more.

I feel like she has taken some baby steps. I'm worried about either not wanting to see that she's not committed enough or that she's going at the best pace she can and it not being fast enough for me.

The MC says we have a long way to go. To be patient.

Theradin posted 4/29/2013 20:34 PM

A very close friend of mine told me something today that really stayed with me: "Sometimes you have to see yourself through other peoples' eyes to see what you otherwise would be unable to see". I think this is very applicable to your situation. You have to really look within yourself and see if your friends/family are being honest, have ulterior motives, are just being 'kind', etc. If you think they are telling you straight up, then you should really listen to their advice. Don't necessarily use it to fully determine your course of action, but weight it equally with how you feel. It's kind of like the old saying, "You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep". Same principle applies. Things may be deceptive within us, but when you look at what's around us, how we act, who we associate with, it paints a much more accurate picture.

Not sure if any of this is helpful, but thought I would offer it.

Only you will know what is right for you. Listen to your heart. Follow what you know deep down inside is the correct, right thing to do.

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/29/2013 21:15 PM

This is a hard one. I used to think that the right thing to do is not cheat and not ever stay with a cheater.

Then my wife cheated and I'm choosing to try to stay. I really want to believe that she'll get to remorse and that she won't do it again. She's not there yet. Of that I'm certain. I keep hearing that it takes time for some people. As much as six months.

I hate this. The worst part about it is that I feel there's a lot of value to me and that she'll lose out more than I will if we separate. Although I'll miss her tremendously.


Extirpated posted 4/30/2013 08:57 AM

This is one of the reasons I decided not to tell anyone. I know I had such a different view of adultery before this happened to me. I didn't truly understand all the intricacies and emotions involved - I always thought that affairs were because of unhappy marriages. I always said there were two things I would never tolerate - cheating or being hit.

This is one situation I don't think many people can absolutely say what they would do in the situation until they are actually going through it. It's a very personal choice on how you choose to move forward - there is no one right answer. You have to look deep within yourself to decide what you can and cannot handle/be happy with.

Having been in this position now, I do know, for me, that I will never go through it again. I have told my husband that I will divorce him with no questions asked or explanation allowed if it ever happens again.

I guess I'm "lucky" (that doesn't make any sense considering what I've been through) because my husband is very remorseful and wants to reconcile more than anything. He is doing all the right things to show me that he made the worst decision of his life and he wants nothing more than to make it up to me.

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