She was texting me all day telling me how her 7 practical test were going. She was doing so well, I ran out and got her a dozen roses and balloons. We were going to go out for a congratualatory steak dinner (her favorite) to celbrate.
As class was finishing, she calls and says can she go out for drinks with the class to celebrate? WTF? It never occured to her that I had something planned? She never asked, never thought about it. All she wanted to do was to go out drinking.
I didn't bring up my plans (since they didn't seem to matter) and told her one drink and be home by 7pm. She agreed and hung up.
I've read so much over the past 6 months and a few weeks ago, I realize that she has always been extremely selfish. I looked back and gave her examples during our entire marriage, pre-affair and post-affair. It appears to have gone in one ear and out the other. This is just another example of her doing exactly what she wants. Yeah she did call me and ask permission because she knows I wouldn't say no.
She (and I) have come a long way since the A, but I've been second to the EMT training for the past 6 months. I hope she now realizes that I need to be priority in her life, not anything else.
Sorry for the rant. I'm just so hurt and pissed off.
Hugs to you. I hope you two cn talk it out and feel better about it.
We are in R.
Did she have 1 and come home?
[This message edited by h0peless at 8:17 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]
I've been second to the EMT training for the past 6 months. I hope she now realizes that I need to be priority in her life, not anything else.
A bit of a 2x4 coming...
Do you think she is suddenly now going to put you first since you think she "should?" Selfish people don't change into unselfish people because somebody else thinks they should.
Yeah she did call me and ask permission because she knows I wouldn't say no.
Bro, I was just like you 6 months ago. I found out the hard way that "expecting" the right things to "just happen" will never work. Do yourself a favor and get a book called "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. It'll show you why giving in to her and not telling her what you really want/need is the exact opposite of being a "nice guy". It'll also show you how staying in this mind set will slowly eat away at you like a cancer.
I had already made dinner for the kids and I so, we didn't go out.
We talked about it and she says she would have come home if I asked. She also said she wanted to be early, because she didn't want to be coming close or being late.
I know I need to be more assertive. I've always given in to her to make her happy. I'm starting to see that just feeds this behavior. She (we) have changed so much in the relationship area but I see we still have work to do.
She is in IC and we had just started MC when the MC quit practicing due to his wife's health. Now we need to find another one.
PanicAttach, I'll get and read the book.
If this were my WS, I would have looked at this as a way of showing him that I am proud of him and that I trust him to go out with his peers and make good choices.
I believe that would have added to my H's great mood and I know it would have meant the world to him.
I would have sorted the children out and taken my H out once he got home and celebrated together then.
Why did you cancel your plans instead of just planning them for after 7pm?
Maybe it depends how far along in R you are and how much trust you have restored in your FWS. In my case I'm ready to give my H some space and give him opportunities to show me he can now be trusted again.
I don't know but IMO, there's no reason you couldn't have allowed your wife her one drink and still carry out your wonderful, thoughtful plans and made the day even more special for you fww. Sorry if this sound harsh but it sounds like you were being a little selfish for canceling your plans for your fww because she didn't do what you wanted her to do. You gave her the green light to go have a drink but then you seem to punish her by taking away your planned gift for her.
Please, for the sake of your relationship, tell her what you're really feeling instead of what you feel she wants to hear next time she's asks if you're ok with her doing something or going out somewhere. It will save you from feeling left out or forgotten about.
New habits take time to form and we can't expect our WS to just know what we want or need in every situation. They are still human and are still learning how to be in this new relationship too.
Try being more assertive and see where it gets you- not to cause trouble but just to be honest with her.
Maybe she is being selfish but she isn't going to change unless you bring it up or challenge it.
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
I had the kids and they were hungry so I had already made dinner, since I didn't know if she'd be home on time. In the past, she never kept to 'return times'. I guess things are different now. She did very well in the going out for a drink, but it was very traumatic for me since it was the first time since the A.
She has to take a National Exam to get certified in a week or two, we'll celebrate then.
I85, I do need to be more assertive. I know that. In the past I was controlling until the M went bad, then I withdrew. I'm having a tough time finding balance. I have an IC appt in a couple of hours, maybe we'll talk about that.
Now, I'm learning to hell H what I want and I finally feel good about it because my opinions and needs finally matter. I am no longer putting myself on the back burner.
Good that she stuck by her word, but I can imagine how sad you were...Try to be more honest with your feelings to her. And, tell her.
In the past I was controlling
(ps....I'll give you a hint. You mentioned that your fWW knew that you wouldn't say no. FWIW, you don't sound controlling, in the true sense of the word* to me)
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Is it the norm for you to buy her flowers and balloons? Is it normal for you to celebrate accomplishments in this style?
DH never buys me flowers or makes big deals out of things...so it would never occur to me to go right home thinking he had something planned.
If this was out of your norm, then I would think about giving her the benefit of the doubt and let her know what happened. Don't assume that she didn't want to celebrate with you right away.
Also, EMT exams are hard, and unless you have had to study and be in a job like that, it's really hard to understand the comrade of the people in that field.
The drinks may have been their way of celebrating the passing with each other. Not a slight to you, just a separate "omg its over and we passed" celebration as well for them.
Don't put yourself on the back burner - and say something about the way it made you feel to have her celebrate first with them and THEN with you....but I am willing to bet that she had no idea that what she was doing was hurting you.
It sounds to me like she is trying. Unfortunately we often fall into that trap of expecting people to know what we want without having to tell them. It doesn't work that way. She didn't know you had plans because you didn't tell her you had plans.
Communication is so important in R. You need to let her know what your needs are. If you felt that her going out would be too hard to deal with, you need to tell her. Please don't tell her one thing and then try to punish her for doing what you agree on. R will go so much smoother if you communicate.
I know we want our Ws to just "understand." It doesn't work that way. It ended up with your feelings being hurt and now there is a distance between the two of you. Not a good outcome either.
If you had told her and she went out for a drink anyway, yeah I would take that as a legit "selfish" act. Unspoken expectations are not a good thing.
It happened. You need discuss it with her. She needs to know what you had planned, but ultimately it sounds like a communication breakdown. Discuss it with her so she knows you planned to celebrate the accomplishment as a couple. She needs to know that you had planned a surprise. Don't come at it from the vantage point of you were disappointed in her. Come at it from the vantage point that you were not there to share her successes with her. In other words you made sacrifices (attention, time, child watching, etc.) to facilitate her accomplishment. You would like to have enjoyed some of the moment as well.
WS in general have trouble understanding that things have changed. That means everything has changed. It also means that things have an opportunity to be much better.
DS 6, DD 12
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
We are supposed to talk about it tonight.