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What to do the morning after a bad night?

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Sienna500 posted 4/28/2013 18:39 PM

I want to start by saying that I can't remember ever seeing this ONSs before that night and then in 1 month, this month, I've seen him twice. I don't know if it's just bad luck or because I notice him now.

Tonight I saw him while out with my husband. I was outside with my H's friend and he came out and said he wanted to talk to me so I just walked back inside, didn't say a word.

He said to my H's friend that he'd heard I'm pregnant so wanted to check everything was alright... Translated to, is it his. H's friend told him definitely not and said he really needs to stay away.

H's friend told my H so he was already hurting and angry then for some unknown reason ONS man came over with his hands up and said to H "mate, I..." Then my H smacked him in the face. The guy said something about how he deserved it but I made us leave and go home. My husband was shouting all the way out the pub.

So after a really lovely week, my husband was upset and kept asking why and specifically why him. It worries him that the guy is the opposite to him and no matter how many times I tell him it doesn't sink in that it wasn't about 'him', he could have been anyone.

What do I do now? Just keep telling him as much as I can when he asks? He's asleep now but how should I be tomorrow? Do I mention it so he doesn't think I'm rug sweeping or do I act normal unless he brings it up?

BaxtersBFF posted 4/28/2013 20:37 PM

I don't have any advice. Was your BH drunk? or just feeling good? Is he going to remember it?

Physical violence is never a good idea, but it is understandable. Hopefully the ONS guy won't press charges.

Just be present for your BH. I'm not sure if you have to bring it up, but don't make it the elephant in the room either.

How did you feel about your BH hitting this dude?

OK now posted 4/28/2013 20:56 PM

You really are experiencing bad luck in encountering these OM's. Punching them out is counterproductive and could land your BH in jail.

If it were me I would stay in and watch television for a few weeks; you just can't afford a repeat of this confrontation.
I would definitely not bring up this topic unless he insists; its not rugsweeping to avoid debating such an embarassing event.

hopefulmother posted 4/28/2013 21:01 PM

From a BS point of view, your H sounds like me. Just can't believe that the A was not about the OM at all. Is there anything about the OM that you liked? Would it help if you shared something so he could compare. Maybe, he wants to know so he can be that for you?

Sienna500 posted 4/29/2013 03:11 AM

Thank you. No he won't press charges and no my H wasn't drunk.

I literally can't believe how they seem to pop up, I can't remember ever seeing them before.

I just acted normally this morning and he seems OK, not great but OK. He was quiet on the way in to work but kissed me when we got there.

There's absolutely nothing about the OM I liked except for he was easy and I wanted 'it'. So disgusting I know. My H knows every detail that he wanted to know about those nights with all 3.

CrappyLife posted 4/29/2013 03:38 AM

Maybe I am wrong here. But, the POSOM had no business walking up to your H and saying anything. He deserved what he got.

I am not sure if you have this covered, but is there some way you can send a NC (letter, e-mail, through a common acquaintance) to all the 3 OMs and mention that you would not like to talk or see them ever again? Also tell them that you would appreciate no response at all if you ever bumped into each other.

To answer your questions from a BS point of view, if I were your BH, I would like you to apologise in the morning again for you behaviour and mention yesterday night and say sorry again. Then, it is upto your BH whether he wants to talk about it or not. If he talks, listen and respond. At least, yes, I understand why you did it.

Hope that helps.

BrokenT posted 4/29/2013 04:13 AM

I agree with CrappyLife. You definitely have to mention what happened with an apology, at least in my point of view or it would feel like rug-sweeping (my husband is an expert on rug sweeping)

And honestly if I ever see the bit*# he had the A with I would beat her butt and call her every bad word I know your husband did a very natural thing.

Sienna500 posted 4/29/2013 04:42 AM

I don't know them. It turned out the 1 we saw last night and about a month ago knows my H in some way but didn't know I was anything to do with him. I don't think he'll come near again, he was shouting sorry at my H last night as we were leaving.

I saw another the other day but everyone ignored everyone. I don't even know that guy's name. The other one I've never seen again and don't know his name.

It does help CL and BrokenT, I'll be able to pop along and see him soon (we work in same building). He's already told me to go see him which is normal.

I know it was natural of him, I'm just worried about him being upset. Last night he was full of questions, then wanted to sleep with me then he was upset, then actually sleep.

I just wish I hadn't caused all this so badly. I didn't go to IC this morning either, I cancelled. I think I'm no longer capable of making a good decision.

I just saw Baxter's question about how I felt when he hit him. I honestly don't know, just that I wanted to get out of there.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 4:45 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

CrappyLife posted 4/29/2013 05:03 AM

I'm just worried about him being upset.

My WW also gets very worried for me. I can see it. It is the sort of unhealthy worry that got her into the A in the first place and keeping it a secret. "She was worried it would hurt me". She could not see what she was doing to herself. To me, that sort of worry gets irritating.

The first person you should worry about is yourself. Shift the focus from him to YOU. Are you not upset what happened yesterday? Have you done something to stop your OWN worry?

Do not worry about him being upset. He is bound to be upset. He has every right to be upset. He will be upset for a long time. There is nothing you can do about it in the short-term. Keep an eye on the long-term view and do stop worrying about him being upset for a day or two. It is normal. He is an adult and will find a way of coping with it.

It is a thin line Sienna and a difficult one. A thin line between being selfish, just being there for him when he needs or trying to be extra-helpful. The first and the last one are unproductive IMO.

Last night he was full of questions, then wanted to sleep with me then he was upset, then actually sleep.

So normal. I keep on doing that every night. Seeing the OM was a big (biggest?) trigger for him. So, he was getting it out of his system.

I think I'm no longer capable of making a good decision.

Other WSs might be able to help with this in a better way. From my WWs experience, my short advice would be to try avoid getting into this self-pity and self-loathing mode.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 5:04 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

Sienna500 posted 4/29/2013 05:24 AM

I think it's difficult not to loathe myself when my actions have caused all this pain and destruction but I understand it won't help anyone.

I don't know how I feel about yesterday except ashamed. I can only think of my H. I don't want to be selfish, I can be fine but his heart isn't as hard as mine.

Deeply Scared posted 4/29/2013 09:18 AM


Please do not use this forum to vent about the OW in your situation.

Thank you.

numb&dumb posted 4/29/2013 10:01 AM


I will add another perspective. Before my current M I had a fiance. She cheat on me and the right place at the wrong culminated in a situation that did not end well for anyone involved. BTDT.

You should take a small (I said small don't read too much into it yet) comfort in that your H need to be angry with the OMs. I know it sounds wrong, but he is protecting the love he has for you by transferring the anger he feels about the situation to the OMs. It is normal and happens in a lot of these situations. Use that to walk outside your comfort zone to talk to him about it.

He probably will want to talk about it. Give me an uninterrupted opportunity. He will feel better. It might not make you feel better, but you did you part in supporting him. It will make a difference later on.

Was he right to punch OM ? Depends who you ask. That is not the point. The point is you need to help him avoid triggers. Be proactive in not going out if you know there is the slightest chance that one of the OMs will be there. If there is even a chance, do something else.

At this early stage it is not avoiding, it is minimizing the triggers so he can gain some kind of equilibrium. He can't trust himself with OMs around, understandable and OK. I would have the same problem.

For now you can be proactive in trying to mitigate the chances that this could happen again. Be honest about it and share that seeing OM causes you a lot of hurt and how bad it feels to be in your place. Consistent over time is the best way for you to deal with this.

Let him vent, apologize and then share what your are feeling. It really helps to quell the anger if you know your W is as bad off as he is.

He will come to realizations on his own, so it is important to not try and convince him of anything right now. He isn't probably going to put a lot of weigh behind what right now.

Just share from your side and listen to his.

Sienna500 posted 4/29/2013 10:34 AM

Thank you and yes I know what you mean and I do take some comfort in it, for his sentiment more than anything.

He had lots of fact related questions last night that I answered in full. At lunch today he had some questions too. I can see he's improved as the day's gone on.

I've only ever said the truth so the facts are always consistent. I hope he knows that.

I want to avoid all the usual haunts but my H doesn't. He doesn't want someone else dictating as he sees it.

numb&dumb posted 4/29/2013 11:32 AM

He doesn't want someone else dictating as he sees it.

Understandable. I know this relayed second hand will probably fall on deaf ears, but it is important to take steps to protect yourself.

Drunk morons in a pub are not good company in the fragile state he is in. Think of it like a pulled muscle. If you pull a muscle, you aren't going to run out and do the same thing are you ? No you take time until it feels better. Why? Because forcing the issue can cause you to hurt it worse. After time it becomes punishing yourself.

Similar thing, just the injuries are not physical, but mental. I can imagine that any place similar that played a role in your ONS is going to trigger him. Why do that to yourself ?

I know this is little abstract, but maybe invite him to SI. A bunch of guys from here could help him work through this. We have ALL been there.

Sienna500 posted 4/29/2013 11:59 AM

I know but he won't listen to me. He is on here though, hopefully he'll be getting the right advice. Thank you again.

BrokenT posted 4/30/2013 03:13 AM

Sorry it didn't feel like venting until u said it, it just came out.

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