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Nogoingback posted 4/28/2013 20:01 PM

Had a discussion last night with WS and I asked her how she feels about OW these days. She still says "I care about her" and "I don't hate her". But when I asked her "why, given that she helped you to destroy your life" she nods and says she doesn't know. Is there still some disconnect with reality or is this possible in true R?
She does say, when pressed, that she loves me more than she's loved anyone before, although admits at the time she was putting all her love into the other relationship.
I don't know, is it possible it was "real" love, rather than infatuation, based on fantasy and bullshit, and escape, like I want to believe? OW was a supervisor and mentor to her for 16 months before anything happened.

catlover50 posted 4/28/2013 20:08 PM

((( no going back))))

I wouldn't like it myself. But I imagine that she could have felt what she thought was real love. I would worry that she was not 100% yours.


My fWH risked everything for a W he didn't respect or love and kept going to the point that he barely liked her, yet it took my catching him to stop and it went on for years. Is that better?

Betrayeds just can't understand waywards.

cheerless posted 4/28/2013 22:35 PM

I would not appreciate that at all NGB. It's a very hurtful thing to say. I do not think she "gets it" yet if she does not see her as an accessory to a hideous crime against you and the baby you had together.

Is she committed to R and to doing the work to heal you, herself and the relationship? It is not enough for her to just say she loves you more. What are her actions saying?

I'm so sorry you're hurting. ((( ))) & strength

Nogoingback posted 4/29/2013 21:45 PM

Thank you for your thoughts. No I don't like it either. In fact I hate it.
Is there anyone else whose partner believes it was real love, and it actually seems like it was, because it has taken such a long time to die? It seems for all the successful R stories, they have realised it was all a lie and that when they realise this they lose any warm feelings for OP.
My WS doesn't want to be with her, she wants to be with me, but I can't shake the feeling that until she says "I want nothing to do with her ever again (even professionally)" she'll never truly "get it"

PanicAttack53 posted 4/29/2013 22:08 PM

I don't know, is it possible it was "real" love, rather than infatuation, based on fantasy and bullshit, and escape, like I want to believe?

NBG, no it's not "real" love. Unfortunately she is still inside her fantasy bubble. While there, the A holds excitement as well as the "warm fuzzies" for a WS. Many also do misinterpret the attention they receive as love. Yes, it's all bullshit, but until that bubble is poked and popped, she'll remain in that fog.

Thing is... you can't do it for her. *She* has to get to the point where she realizes it was nothing more than a fantasy on her own. Then and only then will you see the fog lift allowing you a chance to truly R.

Here's wishing you good luck and success as you both move through this shitty mess.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 10:13 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

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