The immense shame, guilt and self-blame that follows a spouses infidelity renders you helpless by making your life and world seem hopeless. Character-logical and physical self-blame assaults the betrayed spouse, feeling as if there is something inherently wrong with them. If the person who promised to love, honor and cherish them could betray them in such an unbearably painful way, they attribute this to some atrocious character defect within themselves, and this cause shame for who they are as they begin devaluing themselves their own positive and negative character traits. This is often perpetuated by cheating spouses insistence that the infidelity was caused as a result of something about the betrayed - this attribution is usually ascribed to some imagined or exaggerated character, physical or behavioral imperfection in the betrayed spouse. Character self-blame makes the future seem helpless, unchangeable and uncontrollable. The betrayal shatters self-esteem by diminishing personal value and minimizing the status of the betrayed in the relationship. Spouses begin to believe that their actions will not make a difference, because the problem is an irreversible fault within themselves. They beat themselves up with statements such as
I'm too trusting
I'm too Nieve
I'm too Fat / Thin
I'm too Ugly
I'm too Gullible
I'm too Tall / Short
I'm too Caring
I'm Stupid
Betrayed spouses shame and belittle themselves for trusting, loving, hoping, and caring. The on-slot of self-blame undermining their self-esteem. In cases of infidelity, the amount of emotional pain the betrayed's proof of how awful they must be perceived by their spouse. If the person whom you thought loved you, could willingly and deliberately cause you this much pain, they must then find everything about you intolerable.
Character logical self-blame is associated with higher levels of depression and self-esteem loss. When the powerlessness becomes unbearable - to gain a sense of control over the helplessness - the betrayed spouse moves into behavioral self-blame.
Behavioral self-blame makes betrayed spouses feel as if they should have done something differently to avoid the betrayal. Trauma survivors have the tendency to believe that they brought the trauma upon themselves. Behavioral self-blame reduces the perception of vulnerability. The belief that a change in behavior will reduce the likelihood of reoccurrence of infidelity is seen as an adaptive coping method. Behavioral self-blame also promotes the belief in the ability to control, change and avoid negative outcomes. Believing that the future can be different, promotes positive feelings of control and motivation warding off the helplessness felt. Thoughts are invested in strategies spouses can apply in the future and/or similar circumstances. These strategies can help avoid re-victimization, but gives the spouse a false sense of control. Behavioral self-blame can also raise anger and hate towards the self. Anger rises due to the thought that one could have done something to prevent the infidelity, and yet did nothing. Intense self-hate reduces the ability to cope, adapt to the trauma, and increases the risk of suicidal behavior. Behavioral self-blame is perpetuated by theories that a betrayed spouse is partially responsible for an affair. Betrayed spouses minds flood with thoughts of "IF ONLY", "I SHOULD HAVE", "WHY DIDN'T I". Betrayed spouses think that if they could have stopped it before, then changing their behavior now can stop it from ever happening again in the future. "At least if my lack of vigilance was the problem, I can prevent a future tragedy by watching more closely." The guilt and anger generated toward the self keeps the mind looping in an endless search for the defect, behavior or circumstances that they can control.
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