4 month out....I say you are right on schedule. I RAGED like I have never raged before at 6 months out...so much so I didnt recognize myself.
Two tips from someone who is only 9 months out.
First, BE STILL. This means allowing the anger to be there, recognize it, but dont react to it. My RAGE really likes to peak when I start to look at what I brought into our M that made it not as good as it could have been. It is a self-protection mechanism that has its place....we have been badly hurt and traumatized...ANGER gives us a false sense of control, like we have power over the situation. Unfortunately, it is FALSE. As I look back on the things I did and said during my RAGE periods it did nothing but hurt R. The power I felt was fleeting and temporary at best. I am sorry for my actions during RAGE...and this remorse has taught me to guard what I do and say during rage very carefully.
NOTE: Me looking at my role in my marriage pre-A is in no way saying that any actions of mine caused my wife to chose to have an A...nothing BS did MADE WS chose to have an A. WS make decisions regarding A all on their own and is a poor way of coping that hurts all involved (similarly, our rage can do the same thing). But a M is a relationship...BS are not immune from doing some work on themselves.
Second, learn to accept that feelings change. They change suddenly and, at first anyway, without warning. Recognizing this pattern will help you calm down and get through the extreme moments of rage. You will learn to recognize the begining stages of RAGE and be able to prepare for the BIG stages. Sometimes when I sense this coming I hit the gym, talk to my wife, pray, read, breathing exercises....find things that work for you.
Our C says I need to be more patient with myself. I am working on that. My wife is incredibly patient with me. While most BS, including me, think the WS could always be a bit more expressive and remorseful, my wife is doing a great job.
Remember too that we are LEARNING to R, LEARNING to be married in a different, better way. We are NOT TRYING.
When we learned to ride a bike we struggled...but we kept at it...some learned on their own..but I believe most had a loving parent or older friend or brother or sister there to pick them up when they fell. Successful R happens when BOTH partners are their to pick each other up.
A long response I know...but I really relate to your post Tear.
Hang in there, you are normal and doing okay. This is tough.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:24 AM, April 29th (Monday)]