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Tear posted 4/29/2013 02:58 AM

Four months.out from d day....full of so much anger still.....help!!!how do you learn to forgive and move on with your life and ws.

BrokenT posted 4/29/2013 04:23 AM

Lady, its been 2 years for me!!! Its not easy at all. There isn't something you can do I suppose it should come naturally with your H's love and support.
What makes me angry is that my H wouldn't talk about it unless I bring it up. And when I do he's agitated. It's tough. I would be less angry if he sits me down and show remorse, regret, love, support me while im hurt, he caused the hurt and pain after all. Show me hes committed to this marriage. I would be less angry if I see him working on this relationship to survive instead of trying to hide from me (hes at the gym right now, and when he returns he will bury himself in something else)
What would make you less angry? Talking, compassion, going out on a date, walking while holding hands, cuddling, hearing apologies over and over, more details?? Talk to yourself, find out what you want him to do then talk to him. Hopefully youre luckier than me

blakesteele posted 4/29/2013 06:18 AM

4 month out....I say you are right on schedule. I RAGED like I have never raged before at 6 months out...so much so I didnt recognize myself.

Two tips from someone who is only 9 months out.

First, BE STILL. This means allowing the anger to be there, recognize it, but dont react to it. My RAGE really likes to peak when I start to look at what I brought into our M that made it not as good as it could have been. It is a self-protection mechanism that has its place....we have been badly hurt and traumatized...ANGER gives us a false sense of control, like we have power over the situation. Unfortunately, it is FALSE. As I look back on the things I did and said during my RAGE periods it did nothing but hurt R. The power I felt was fleeting and temporary at best. I am sorry for my actions during RAGE...and this remorse has taught me to guard what I do and say during rage very carefully.

NOTE: Me looking at my role in my marriage pre-A is in no way saying that any actions of mine caused my wife to chose to have an A...nothing BS did MADE WS chose to have an A. WS make decisions regarding A all on their own and is a poor way of coping that hurts all involved (similarly, our rage can do the same thing). But a M is a relationship...BS are not immune from doing some work on themselves.

Second, learn to accept that feelings change. They change suddenly and, at first anyway, without warning. Recognizing this pattern will help you calm down and get through the extreme moments of rage. You will learn to recognize the begining stages of RAGE and be able to prepare for the BIG stages. Sometimes when I sense this coming I hit the gym, talk to my wife, pray, read, breathing exercises....find things that work for you.

Our C says I need to be more patient with myself. I am working on that. My wife is incredibly patient with me. While most BS, including me, think the WS could always be a bit more expressive and remorseful, my wife is doing a great job.

Remember too that we are LEARNING to R, LEARNING to be married in a different, better way. We are NOT TRYING.

When we learned to ride a bike we struggled...but we kept at it...some learned on their own..but I believe most had a loving parent or older friend or brother or sister there to pick them up when they fell. Successful R happens when BOTH partners are their to pick each other up.

A long response I know...but I really relate to your post Tear.

Hang in there, you are normal and doing okay. This is tough.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:24 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

brokensmile322 posted 4/29/2013 06:20 AM

The only way is through it.

Sadly, this is the truth. Blake has some good tips but it really is about managing it.

Hugs!

idiot85 posted 4/29/2013 06:37 AM

Blake- that post is helpful.

Tear- for me angry days come and go- today is angry but I know it will get better then I'll be angry again- Take it slowly, try second by second.

Edited to say- I'm not thread jacking- but- does anyone think venting will help? I don't know about you Tear but I often wonder.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:45 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

Knowing posted 4/29/2013 07:16 AM

Behind rage and anger is hurt and pain. Acknowledge your pain, write about it in a journal everyday. Cry. Beat the bed (not your husband) with a tennis racket or baseball bat (I've always owned a Louisville slugger for this reason).

Express your pain, hurt and sadness to your WS. Feel it, don't feed it.

jjsr posted 4/29/2013 07:40 AM

I was raging hard for over the first year. The MC was worried I was going to have a heart attack. One day he said something to me that resonated. He told me no matter how much I raged and raged, the rage wasn't going to change what happened. Its true. Now I am a lot calmer. That doesn't mean it doesn't piss me off or still hurt but its under control now. At 4 months out, you should be angry.

HurtButHoping12 posted 4/29/2013 10:07 AM

4 months into our R was when the HB subsided and the SHIT HIT THE FAN. I was a VERY angry person... I lashed out at FWH every chance I could. I punished him, I made him feel like shit about himself because it seemed to be the only thing that made ME feel better. I literally felt better watching him cry and freak out after I threatened to kick him out. I was horrible... but he deserved every ounce of my anger. And how he handled it, showed me that he was a different man, and that staying with him was worth all the agony.

We are almost 2 years out and there are still days that I wake up, pissed off at the world and especially at him. 4 months is not a long time, and the best way to handle it is to ride out the storm and let your WS show you whether they can handle the mess they made, or not. HUGS, its rough!

Theradin posted 4/29/2013 11:37 AM

I think it's different for every BS. For me, I haven't really been in an ANGRY phase, per se. I was very angry shortly after learning that literally, almost my entire marriage with my WW had been a sham, and she had been cheating on me since almost day one (6 months out of the chapel, to be exact). But that lasted a day or so, and it was very angry. For me, though, I'm not really an angry person in general. I don't remember the last time I was really angry. I get frustrated or disappointed, but for me anger hasn't really ever been a huge emotional response I experience (maybe that's good, maybe it's bad?).

What I can say, though, is that there are times where I do get very disappointed and frustrated at the way my WW has treated me, our family, etc., during the course of her A. But it certainly doesn't make me want to lash out at her. Instead, during the toughest of those moments, I actually want to pull away from her (physically, emotionally, etc.). Maybe you could say my disappointment and frustration is like your rage/anger? But instead of directing it toward her, I direct it elsewhere. I try to think of how good of a person I am, how much I have to offer in a relationship, and how I deserve to have the same offered to me. Usually within 1-2 hours or so, the disappointment/frustration will subside.

All in all, it just takes time. If you're still feeling such strong anger and rage after, say, 1-2 years after DDay, I would maybe reconsider what you're doing. After all, we do have to keep in mind that not every single person out there can just 'get over' such trauma and emotional abuse. Some people simply need to move on to someone else who will not constantly trigger them, violate them, etc. Keep that in mind, too, I guess.

Lionne posted 4/29/2013 18:21 PM

I am still angry. And I am living with an extremely remorseful, actively-working-recovery SA. It's been 4 years since our last D-day. I DON'T think stuffing the anger is good, I think you have to process it. At the same time I agree with the poster that said, it doesn't help. I am living proof of that. And it hurts only me.

One post from HFSSC is still useful to me.

3 things have helped me with this. 2 of them came from aa and the other I can't remember where I heard it.
1. Before I say something, ask myself, "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?" If I can't answer yes to all 3 of those, I need to consider whether it needs to be said.

2. Another set of questions to ask: "Does this need to be said?" "Does it need to be said by me?" "Does it need to be said by me right now?" That allows me to maybe think/process for a while.

The last one is maybe my favorite. Say what you mean, mean what you say. But don't say it mean.

It helps me to filter what I need to SAY.

But, seriously, 4 months?! Your spouse is lucky if you have any good days.

Tear posted 4/30/2013 09:35 AM

Thank you allso much for your advice.....it was extremelyhelpful....... I guess everythingtakestime to heal.....
Blakei love your quote:::forgivenessis giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me! !!!That is so true
thank you all