SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I have been married 14 years to a wonderful man who has been competing for my attention with our 4 fantastic children for probably the past 5 years. My profession is an in-home daycare provider so I also care for other children inside our home 4 days/week. My life is very busy to say the least. My H and I have tried relationship books, family meetings, cutting back the alcohol and it always seems to be a vicious cycle. We feel underappreciated, not understood, and alone after disagreements. In December I was imagining what it would be like to D. I thought this was the only way to escape the pain. In January, he came to me once again and said that he no longer thinks he can accept the person that I am, he doesn't know any other way to explain to me that he needs more attention from me, and for the next few months I bust my butt to show him how much I want our marriage to work. Planning weekly date-nights, putting him in front of the children when possible, making time to talk, sending cute texts etc. March 19th, the day I finally get him to go to counseling that we have been talking about for years. We both leave the session inspired to wipe the slate clean, and to create the marriage that we both have wanted for years. A moment that I will never forget as long as I live comes next when he turns to me as we get into the car and confesses to a 4 month long A with OW at work. An emotional, unprotected sexual relationship. Now, he is not one of these guys that flirt, have a lot of women friends and I would have bet one million dollars that he would never do this to us in our lifetime. I also would have told you that if he ever did, I would show him the door. My thought the first week were just that, but now I am seeing that there is hope for us. We can reconcile if we just do the work.
He broke it off with her a month before telling me, and has not had contact since. He is very remorseful and is asking me to forgive him. He says he never stopped loving me, he just felt an emotional emptiness. She complimented him, she noticed his outfits, she would have sex with him in a car, she did many things that he just wasn't getting from me. I was denying him sex more often that we were doing it for a long time, not because I didn't enjoy it but because I felt I didn't have time with all my other responsibilities. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this man, how in the world does this pain ever subside? I am taking it minute by minute right now and doing what feels right in the moment. I took off my ring, I feel that the marriage we had before is over. I want to build a new one, but do not know where to begin.
_____________________________

Dday 3/19/13
Me BW 37
Him WH 37
Married 14 years
4 children

[This message edited by iloveyouperiod at 4:06 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

(((( iloveyouperiod))))

So sorry you find yourself here.

Read the Healing Library above; lots of good stuff there.

You have the advantage of a remorseful H so that is in your favor. However, the pain takes time to lessen. You've already had some practice making your M a priority. It is common for children to take up all a woman's energy, plus with work it's hard. Remember that the A is not your fault. It sounds as if your WH started the affair before he talked to you. Talking to you and NOT starting an A is the right thing to do.

I am 7 months into R with a very remorseful H who has become the man of my dreams. Mostly the pain is gone; sometimes it jumps out and bites me.

Best of luck. SI has been invaluable to me.

So what is he doing? Is he in IC to figure out his "why?" Ok..his wife is busy..but..um..aren't 4 of those kids his? So he should have been helping you with those kids,so maybe by the end of the day,you're not too tired to spend time with him.

He chose to cheat. This is not your fault. It has nothing to do with anything you did or did not do.

Did he write the OW a NC letter..one that you sent..so he didnt reword it?

He needs to find another job,since OW is a coworker.

He needs to answer all of your questions without defense or anger..or blameshifting..and he is blameshifting..

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..and that's if there is no TT.

Is he completely transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts and cell,including passwords?

Im sorry you're here,but glad you've found us.

Your WH did a good thing by confessing..but he needs to own his shit. He chose to cheat. Instead of turning toward you and working on the marriage,and coming up with ways to make it better for both of you(like him helping with the kids),he chose to turn away from you and the marruage.

Do not let him put this on you. he is a grown man..he is responsible for his actions.

Hmm. YOU were in the same marriage..yet you didn't cheat.

His excuses are just that...excuses.

Hugs..and welcome.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:20 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

Thank you for your comments. My H says that the OW is no longer in his office and if he were to ever run into her or she try to contact him, he would tell me. He broke contact with her in person a few weeks before confessing. He is trying his best to become a better father, husband, human being I can see this each and every day. I just had a complete meltdown (ugly cry) in the garage before he left for work. I don't feel I can ever just release these feelings because I am surrounded by our children and daycare kids all day long. He walks around happier than I have ever seen him, engaging with the kids in a way he never has before and I'm moping around just praying this feeling in my stomach will go away. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I feel like I am failing at all my responsibilities.

(((iloveyouperiod)))

So sorry you had to find us, but now that you have, make good use of the resources here.

No matter what was going on in your marriage (and it sounds like what happens in a million marriages....kids and life), you are not to blame for your WH's A. If the PA was going on for four months, I would bet the EA was going on long before that, especially since they worked together. I highly recommend "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass for both you and your WH to read. You will get great insight into what happened and your WH will realize that what he had wasn't "special" or "love," it's what happens when two damaged people (WH and OW) have extremely poor boundaries.

Do you know who the OW is? Is she married? You might consider letting her BS know as well. That pretty much ensures that the A will be over..

Keep reading and posting in the forums. We are here to support you!