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Anxious...again

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Notgwen posted 4/29/2013 06:16 AM

He finally set up MC. Tonight is our first appointment. I am having major anxiety over this. Why?

SoVerySadNow posted 4/29/2013 06:40 AM

Because you are facing the unknown. (What new will I find out? Will the safety of the MC office allow more hurtful revelations? Will my partner try to manipulate the session to make me appear worse and them to appear "the good guy"? Will I be blamed? Will the therapist side with my partner? Will I be told to suck it up and change?) These come to mind for me, anyway. As BS, we are dealing with so much turmoil and self doubt, that anything added seems too much.

A good therapist won't allow those things, so if it seems to be going that direction, get out and find a different one.

allatsea posted 4/29/2013 06:48 AM

If I ever end up in MC, which I doubt at this time, my biggest fear is that the councillor won't concur that the affair is all WS fault. I reckon they will suggest that the BS takes a responsibility for it.

Skan posted 4/29/2013 14:10 PM

And that is exactly why you would fire such a counciler, allatsea. Marriage problems belong to both parties. Infidelity is 100% on the person who committed it. It was a decision to go outside of the marriage or committed relationship. Instead of talking to the partner, getting counciling, separating from them, divorcing them, or choosing any other honorable way to help solve the problem or leave the relationship, the adulterous partner chooses to betray their partner and throw a bomb into the middle of their life.

Unless that is fully understood by a MC or IC, and is addressed first, nothing productive can come of the counciling IMHO.

atsenaotie posted 4/29/2013 14:30 PM

Good luck Notgwen,

The unknown is usually scarier than the actual event.

If your WS begins to say I did A because of X, Y, or Z in the M, your (or better the MC’s) response should be “Why did you choose to have an A in response to X, Y, or Z rather than some other more productive and better for the M action?”

We started in MC after dday thinking he would help us to keep civil as we D. It was not until FWW started doing IC every 2 weeks for a couple of years that we got to the point of actually working on the M.

It takes some shopping, one size in underwear or MC does not fit all.

...my biggest fear is that the councilor won't concur that the affair is all WS fault...

We have an excellent MC/IC who helped me and is still helping FWW. One of the first things that he said when we went in after dday was to look at my FWW and say "Your affair had nothing to do with Atsenaotie". He held this line with her and would call her out when she tried to blame shift.

TrustGone posted 4/29/2013 14:30 PM

My WH#2 has also agreed to MC. He tried IC for 3 sessions, then quit. I think it had to do with the stigma of going to a psychologist. He wouldn't let his insurance pay for it and paid out of his pocket and didn't want anyone to know he was going.

I would rather him go to IC first and then later MC, but right now I will take what I can get and hope the MC can get him to go to IC. I am making sure that the MC I find deals with Infedelity and PTSD. If I find one that only wants to concentrate on pre-A issues, then I will not go back to them and will look until I find one that does.

Good luck with your MC session. I hope it helps. (((HUGS)))

tushnurse posted 4/29/2013 15:17 PM

Try not to stress too much about the first session, it's more about getting to know you, and understand the reasons you are there. Of course it's emotional, but for the most part, you won't get much info, and certainly won't resolve much of anything.

Deep breaths.

((( and strength )))

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