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Abbondad posted 4/29/2013 06:50 AM

Hi Everyone (old friends and new),

I have decided to separate (again) from my WW. We are not divorcing at this time.

I am so very very sorry to all who have taken such pains and time with me. I feel like I have disappointed you all, as well as myself in so many ways.

I could list and elaborate all the reasons, but they will ultimately be rationalizations. I just can't bring myself to divorce at this time.

Please, if it's not too much to ask: do not despair of me.I am bruised and battered by my own 2x4s. Please offer your understanding and sympathy if you can. If you can't and simply throw up your hands and walk away, I understand.

I want to use this time to detach, really detach--for me. I will 180 and NC as much as possible given the fact that we will be coparenting. I will try my hardest to do these right this time.

I am setting up my support: family, friends, activities, time with my children, work, and therapy to tackle my deep issues that I don't want to prevent me from moving into a new relationship at some time in the future. And these issues include first and foremost--as you well know by now--my fear of abandonment and reliance on another for my own identity.

And maybe at the "end," although it is a process without a true end point, I will be ready to take that leap.

Thank you all. You have become invaluable to me.


Williesmom posted 4/29/2013 06:57 AM


It takes time. It took me 2 years to come to the realization that I wasn't enough to make it work - it takes both of us.

You'll do what you need to do. Don't beat yourself up too bad.

cayc posted 4/29/2013 07:13 AM

Don't apologize to us! S sounds like it's the perfect option for you. A way to remove yourself from the in-you-face-drama and get some breathing room. Losing a marriage isn't a decision that's easy to make quickly regardless of the cause. Even if you get it intellectually, emotionally it can take a lot longer to feel "right" about it. It took me 2 years of circles to finally file and get tough with myself about ending the M and getting away.


roughroadahead posted 4/29/2013 07:41 AM

Does your state have legal S? It might be worth looking into if it does, so you have things like property (ie use of marital home), support and visitation spelled out in writing. If you ultimately reconcile, in most cases you simply move back in (with intent to do so permanently) to void it. If you go on to D, the sep agreement becomes the bulk of the settlement, and the D process is shorter.

tushnurse posted 4/29/2013 07:44 AM


I want to say that separation is a good step, however your track record indicates to me that you are going to repeat the behaviors you have already been through.

You need to get yourself educated on being Co-dependent, and how to be In-dependent. You exhibit every characteristic of being Codependent. These are hard habits to break, trust me. (BTDT) But when you can change those behaviors, one at a time you will feel stronger, and more independent, and you will progress to being happy in your life.

One of your last posts in the other forum, about family dinner, said that it made your sad to think of what you are GOING to lose. I just sat there SCREAMING That you have ALREADY lost that. It's just an act, just a charade.

May I suggest that you move forward with D while S, and if for some miraculous reason she gets her head out of her A** then you can talk and consider R.

Delaying D is going to only confuse, and make if more difficult for your children. As a Parent you really need to consider your kids above all else.

You will find support here as well, but I just hate to see you continuing to hurt yourself, and your kids. Your STBXW is a master of manipulation, and has been always able to pull you into her drama.

((( and Strength ))))

7yrsflushed posted 4/29/2013 07:52 AM

No need to feel sorry at all Abbondad. Everyone does what they can when they can. There is no "right" way to do this. There are many different paths to surviving infidelity. You walk the path that you must to get through this and we will still be here to support you.

It took me 1.5 years to make decisions that I was okay with. Just know that you will be okay and it will get better. I wish you the best and keep posting and reading.

ETA: I was behind on your other thread. I "3rd" the suggestion that you read "Codependant No More". Reading this book will help you to detach. The codependancy is the "fear" that is stopping you from taking big steps. Read the book and you will realize there is nothing stopping you from moving forward in your life for you and your kids.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:13 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

roughroadahead posted 4/29/2013 08:03 AM

Yes, I second tushnurse. I mentioned codependency on your other thread. There are two things it would be awesome to accomplish today. First is to call around Ls to see how or if you can protect yourself legally during S-but-not-D. Second is to get onto Amazon and order or download the following books:
"Codependent no more" and/or "the new codependency", both by Melody Beattie, "getting past your breakup" (because your old relationship is dead. Even R is forging a new one), and "from abandonment to healing" (because you need to focus on your healing regardless of outcome).

You mentioned BPD on your other thread. Maybe others will have recommendations to that end.

meplustwo posted 4/29/2013 08:18 AM

So sorry for your situation. I am at the beginning of my process. My story is on my profile. I am trying bc and 180, but I want it to work out with my wh. It feels pathetic. I wish he knew what he wanted, but I'm trying not to wait on that. No need to apologize for your feelings. You can't help how you feel. Take care of you and your children right now. Get strong for you. I understand about not D filing. I told my wh I would file in July if he still didn't know what he wanted, but I don't know now...I may change my mind. It is a big step. Please take this time to strengthen yourself, love yourself. If you would like, you can message me for support as you try to mcg and 180. It's not easy! Hugs!

ProbableIceCream posted 4/29/2013 08:39 AM


Regarding filing for divorce:

1. Time to fill out the forms / maybe do a free or low cost consult with a lawyer
2. Filing fee

1. Protect yourself legally/financially
2. Helps you detach
3. (if you speak to a lawyer even briefly and find out your rights) Feeling of liberation--"I know my rights and I can assert them!"

Note that you can cancel it at any time. Actually, all you have to do to cancel it is do nothing.

This next part may be unique to my state, but I believe it's fairly common: Last year, when I filed the first time, I used acceptance of service, which meant my wife needed to sign a document saying she saw the papers. She dragged it out a couple months before I got a notice saying I needed to serve or the case would be closed. Anyway, my point is that you don't even have to serve her right away, and you can cancel the whole process if you need to, but you get immediate protection. Also consider legal separation if your state has it, but keep in mind, depending on your state, you may need to renegotiate some things if you change it to divorce.

(One last thing regarding not having to serve her: I'm not saying you can keep it totally secret, I'm just saying you can move at your own pace; she may, for example, get mail from a lawyer based on the public record that you filed, advertising their services, which my wife did, and ignored.)

gonnabe2016 posted 4/29/2013 08:54 AM

Dad, are you concerned that if you file for D that it will *push* your WW away from you and give her an *excuse* to go back to OM?

Also, has she agreed to live in her separation apart or will she be continuing to live in the house with you?

7yrsflushed posted 4/29/2013 09:03 AM

I just finished reading the rest of your thread in general. Continue to get support for yourself but please document EVERYTHING. Document how much time you spend with the kids and how much your WW spends with them. Also document any times she doesn't pick them up or do what she says. Keep a VAR in your pocket at all times when you are around her. Don't be suprised if she tries to file a false DV complaint against you at some point. You have to protect yourself and your kids.

I know you aren't ready and my advice a few posts up still stands. So do what you can when you can.

Even if you aren't ready yet get with your lawyer and get all the legwork done so you can call and have her served whenever you want. She is now going to paint the picture that you are the crazy one and if you do manage to detach it's going to get worse because your world no longer revolves around her and you know she is the center of the Universe in her mind.

stretch13 posted 4/29/2013 09:09 AM

one thing about dealing with someone who is feeling somewhat agreeable toward you right now - get an agreement in writing if you can.

i know florida is a little different from where i am, but talk to a lawyer. when XH was still at least faking attempts to get me to R, i got him to agree to pretty much whatever i wanted. i was fair, but i had him under my thumb at that moment. i'm so glad we did our whole marital separation agreement right after dday because when it came time to file, he was less agreeable. my MSA became my divorce petition. i had nothing else to do but file. he would have had to start fighting me then and it would have been expensive and hard.

nothing wrong with doing some paperwork. show her you are serious. that will kick her into gear faster than any honey you can pour on this situation.

newlysingle posted 4/29/2013 09:17 AM

I agree with Strech13. Get her to agree to what you need while she's still in the fog. I got everything I wanted and them some from STBXH because he was in such a hurry to get rid of me and be with skank. Reality about his dire financial situation (because I took 80% of his income for the next 5 years) is setting in and he's wishing he'd negotiated better. Oh well, too late now!

LonelyHusband posted 4/29/2013 09:25 AM

I ask the same question as GonnaBe. How will this separation manifest itself. Is she leaving the house or staying in there with you?

Please don't tell us YOU are moving out.

Abbondad posted 4/29/2013 09:27 AM

SHE is moving out for sure. She broached the idea of me moving but I refused. Plus it doesn't make logistical sense as I am on sabbatical and pick up the kids down the street, whereas she works full time across town far from the kids' school.

velveteer posted 4/29/2013 10:03 AM

Hey Abbondad

So finally in S/D? I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but you will get great support and advice.

There is no need to apologise - this is YOUR Life. I get that you just can't yet face D - that' your decision and entirely your right, and many here know just how that feels.

For now, separating will give you a chance to get some distance from all of the toxic drama that your WW has been putting you through. Use the time well - focus on yourself and the kids and as others have said, take the next steps forward. Even baby steps - they all count.

Most of all - DETACH - 180, NC whatever you want to call it, just get out of your WW's orbit and pronto. NC except kids and finance, and if possible keep that to email.

Good luck - bumpy road ahead, but you will get there - no doubt about that.


7yrsflushed posted 4/29/2013 10:07 AM

Also cosigning Stretch's post and newlysingle. I also got my lawyer to draw up the separation agreement while my WW was still foggy. It was fair but much more fair to me than it would have been otherwise. The sooner you get it in writing the better especially stuff with the kids and visitation.

She broached the idea of me moving but I refused.
^^^This worries me. Initially your WW moved out on her own towards her new life. Kudos for refusing t omove out but she is starting to wake up to reality. There is more than one type of FOG. Even if she comes out of the A fOG it doesn't mean she won't go right into the "DO-OVER FOG" where she needs to redo her life without Abbondad. Yes that means she gets the kids and you just foot the bill for everything because once you are gone all her problems magically go away.

My WW did that and I was lucky enough to get into a lawyer while she felt some guilt to get terms that I was okay with and wouldn't be pissed about for the rest of my life.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/29/2013 10:19 AM

I don't get the sense that MrsDad feels guilty or is gonna be *agreeable* about signing any type of *terms*.....just sayin'.

kiki1 posted 4/29/2013 10:24 AM

(((Abbondad))) No need for apologies AD. Many of us have felt unsurety regarding our situations. There is no easy, clearly defined path. Strength to you

velveteer posted 4/29/2013 11:06 AM

On re-reading this I am going to add another voice to the negotiate while she's foggy camp. Unless she is a sociopath, she WILL feel guilt about all of this and you can use that. Think about this.


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