I have decided to separate (again) from my WW. We are not divorcing at this time.
I am so very very sorry to all who have taken such pains and time with me. I feel like I have disappointed you all, as well as myself in so many ways.
I could list and elaborate all the reasons, but they will ultimately be rationalizations. I just can't bring myself to divorce at this time.
Please, if it's not too much to ask: do not despair of me.I am bruised and battered by my own 2x4s. Please offer your understanding and sympathy if you can. If you can't and simply throw up your hands and walk away, I understand.
I want to use this time to detach, really detach--for me. I will 180 and NC as much as possible given the fact that we will be coparenting. I will try my hardest to do these right this time.
I am setting up my support: family, friends, activities, time with my children, work, and therapy to tackle my deep issues that I don't want to prevent me from moving into a new relationship at some time in the future. And these issues include first and foremost--as you well know by now--my fear of abandonment and reliance on another for my own identity.
And maybe at the "end," although it is a process without a true end point, I will be ready to take that leap.
Thank you all. You have become invaluable to me.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
It takes time. It took me 2 years to come to the realization that I wasn't enough to make it work - it takes both of us.
You'll do what you need to do. Don't beat yourself up too bad.
I want to say that separation is a good step, however your track record indicates to me that you are going to repeat the behaviors you have already been through.
You need to get yourself educated on being Co-dependent, and how to be In-dependent. You exhibit every characteristic of being Codependent. These are hard habits to break, trust me. (BTDT) But when you can change those behaviors, one at a time you will feel stronger, and more independent, and you will progress to being happy in your life.
One of your last posts in the other forum, about family dinner, said that it made your sad to think of what you are GOING to lose. I just sat there SCREAMING That you have ALREADY lost that. It's just an act, just a charade.
May I suggest that you move forward with D while S, and if for some miraculous reason she gets her head out of her A** then you can talk and consider R.
Delaying D is going to only confuse, and make if more difficult for your children. As a Parent you really need to consider your kids above all else.
You will find support here as well, but I just hate to see you continuing to hurt yourself, and your kids. Your STBXW is a master of manipulation, and has been always able to pull you into her drama.
((( and Strength ))))
It took me 1.5 years to make decisions that I was okay with. Just know that you will be okay and it will get better. I wish you the best and keep posting and reading.
ETA: I was behind on your other thread. I "3rd" the suggestion that you read "Codependant No More". Reading this book will help you to detach. The codependancy is the "fear" that is stopping you from taking big steps. Read the book and you will realize there is nothing stopping you from moving forward in your life for you and your kids.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:13 AM, April 29th (Monday)]
You mentioned BPD on your other thread. Maybe others will have recommendations to that end.
Regarding filing for divorce:
1. Time to fill out the forms / maybe do a free or low cost consult with a lawyer
2. Filing fee
1. Protect yourself legally/financially
2. Helps you detach
3. (if you speak to a lawyer even briefly and find out your rights) Feeling of liberation--"I know my rights and I can assert them!"
Note that you can cancel it at any time. Actually, all you have to do to cancel it is do nothing.
This next part may be unique to my state, but I believe it's fairly common: Last year, when I filed the first time, I used acceptance of service, which meant my wife needed to sign a document saying she saw the papers. She dragged it out a couple months before I got a notice saying I needed to serve or the case would be closed. Anyway, my point is that you don't even have to serve her right away, and you can cancel the whole process if you need to, but you get immediate protection. Also consider legal separation if your state has it, but keep in mind, depending on your state, you may need to renegotiate some things if you change it to divorce.
(One last thing regarding not having to serve her: I'm not saying you can keep it totally secret, I'm just saying you can move at your own pace; she may, for example, get mail from a lawyer based on the public record that you filed, advertising their services, which my wife did, and ignored.)
Also, has she agreed to live in her separation apart or will she be continuing to live in the house with you?
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I know you aren't ready and my advice a few posts up still stands. So do what you can when you can.
Even if you aren't ready yet get with your lawyer and get all the legwork done so you can call and have her served whenever you want. She is now going to paint the picture that you are the crazy one and if you do manage to detach it's going to get worse because your world no longer revolves around her and you know she is the center of the Universe in her mind.
i know florida is a little different from where i am, but talk to a lawyer. when XH was still at least faking attempts to get me to R, i got him to agree to pretty much whatever i wanted. i was fair, but i had him under my thumb at that moment. i'm so glad we did our whole marital separation agreement right after dday because when it came time to file, he was less agreeable. my MSA became my divorce petition. i had nothing else to do but file. he would have had to start fighting me then and it would have been expensive and hard.
nothing wrong with doing some paperwork. show her you are serious. that will kick her into gear faster than any honey you can pour on this situation.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
Please don't tell us YOU are moving out.
So finally in S/D? I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but you will get great support and advice.
There is no need to apologise - this is YOUR Life. I get that you just can't yet face D - that' your decision and entirely your right, and many here know just how that feels.
For now, separating will give you a chance to get some distance from all of the toxic drama that your WW has been putting you through. Use the time well - focus on yourself and the kids and as others have said, take the next steps forward. Even baby steps - they all count.
Most of all - DETACH - 180, NC whatever you want to call it, just get out of your WW's orbit and pronto. NC except kids and finance, and if possible keep that to email.
Good luck - bumpy road ahead, but you will get there - no doubt about that.
She broached the idea of me moving but I refused.
My WW did that and I was lucky enough to get into a lawyer while she felt some guilt to get terms that I was okay with and wouldn't be pissed about for the rest of my life.