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How to cope with loss of innocence?

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hobbeskat posted 4/29/2013 08:44 AM

I'd been doing pretty well but I've started to struggle again. I feel incredibly sad, all the time. I am struggling to cope with the loss of innocence. I am resentful and angry that it was lost so soon, only 5 months into our marriage. No honeymoon period for us. I feel tearful when I think of it. That I do not feel special, neither does our marriage. That our love does not feel special to me anymore. Nothing feels special. Nothing feels pure. It's killed the purity of my friendships, too. The OW was a close friend- she was in fact the first person I turned to when he gave me ILYBIMILWY and walked out, telling me had cheated on me (but not with who). She lied to my face, and now I no longer trust my friends, especially female ones. I hate that.

I want my marriage to work as I love my husband but recently he asked if we could open a joint account. I had wanted to do this for ages but now I don't. I don't know if I will be in this marriage in 6 months time, I don't want to take that risk. And again it makes me so sad as I used to trust him with my life.

I feel as though I have changed forever and so has our marriage and not in a good way. I am wondering if I can bear to stay in a marriage like this, even if I do love him.

How do you cope with this?

Theradin posted 4/29/2013 11:47 AM

So sorry you're going through this.

What I can say is that what you're experiencing is very normal. You loved someone, trusted someone, gave yourself to someone, and that person shit all over it. Even worse, your 'friend' did the same thing.

I can relate to your situation because although my WW and I have been married for almost 8 years, she cheated on me just 6 months out from when we first got married (it was an EA & PA, to boot!). However, I never knew about it until 7 years later when I caught her having another affair in 2012. That's when she confessed to the incident 7 years ago.

To be perfectly honest, had I known about what she did to me, to our marriage, back when she first cheated on me 6 months into our marriage, I would have divorced her. I can say that without a doubt in my mind. I KNOW I would have because if you can do that to someone just months out the door from getting married, there are some very serious issues. We also didn't have a big history then, children, etc., so it would have been a lot simpler to cut ties and move on to something more meaningful and 'real'. That being said, now that my WW has started to actually work on her issues, identify the reasons for all the affairs, etc., she is turning into the wife I've always wanted. However, she would not have been able to do that 7 years ago, because she was simply too immature to even 'go there'. That is why I would have simply left the marriage.

I guess you have to look within yourself to see if you really want to stay with your WH and work things out. You're still young, and maybe you don't have children already? And it sounds like your lives aren't really that tied up in one another (e.g., financially, home ownership, etc.). If that's the case, you may be better of cutting ties and really looking for someone who can handle a mature, committed, adult relationship with you. There are plenty of men out there who are fully capable of that. So don't think you're limited in your choices.

Lastly, yes, the innocence is gone. It will never come back. You will never be able to view your marriage with your WH as 'innocent' or something that isn't shared with someone else. That's just the cold hard facts. Everyone on here will tell you the same thing. There is a tarnish on your M that will always be there. Always. It's up to you to decide if that tarnish is a big enough deal or not, and if it isn't, and you truly believe your WH can get his shit together and NEVER do this again, then you can attempt to grow something even better, closer and stronger with him.

Take time to really consider what YOU want (not what he wants, he's already made that clear). Don't rush to any conclusions. Really think about it. Time is on your side. The answer will come to you, I just know it.

Be strong.

mepe27 posted 4/29/2013 13:44 PM

I struggled with something similar. I had just thought we were soul mates, destined to be together, all that stuff and suddenly an affair made those beliefs very confusing for me.

Initially I was so sad that I was robbed of that fantasy. But eventually I sort of had to let that go. I didn't believe in soul mates anymore and that was sad at first but now it's not. I do love my H and he loves me and we make a choice everyday to be together and to work on our marriage and both be better people, it's not magic, it's hard work and we earn it every day.

Our marriage is very different now, in a good way, it's more real and there are certainly tough times but there are great ones too.

I think a marriage can survive an A and come back to be an even better marriage, but it is a different marriage and it's hard work from both people to get there.

I think not wanting a joint acct is normal, you don't trust him yet, you don't want to be hurt again, he needs to work on rebuilding the trust and you need to work on being open to his attempts.

Grieve the old marriage, cry about it, write about but then start looking at what kind of marriage you really want, a realistic marriage and see if that is something you two can create together.

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