They want to know that they are needed just as much as wanted. Notice how many men suffer from the knight shining armour syndrome.
One of WH's whys was that he didn't feel I needed him.
Do not take too much ownership of this issue. As I find is often the case, there is another why resting underneath of this one.
Why did your WS respond to feeling you did not need him by turning to OW to have a hidden A? Why didn't he confront you about the frequent use of the D word, maybe in MC? Why didn't he say something about the wedding band? Why did he stay n a M where he felt uneeded?
Although it was hard, I put on my wedding band today. It may be a symbol of his broken vows to me, but I chose to wear it to show I am committed to R.
Other than for a brief period I wore my wedding ring after dday and intend to until I die or I am D. My ring is scratched and a little dull with a loss of luster. Much like the M in represents. My ring does not represent what FWW did, it represents my vows.
FWW lost her her wedding ring and had to have her engagement ring cut off of where she had put it on her left hand ("wrong hand for marrying the wrong man"). One ring is new, and much like her, the other had to be repaired, resized, and got a polish. They do not look like the rings from a 20 year M, because she is getting a "do over".
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:23 PM, April 29th (Monday)]
When he told me this, I admit I did feel guilty about the way I made him feel, but the good people here at SI, made me realize that no matter what was happening in our marriage, he was 100% responsible for CHOOSING to have an affair.
Be proud that you are an independent woman and able to stand on your own two feet.
Married 31years, together 34
D-Day 1 - April 1, 2012
D-Day 2 - October 5, 2012
False R - 2 years (stupid me)
D-Day 3 - August 15, 2014
Heading towards Divorce
He actually did look deeper, pursuant to finally telling me of his years long CSA. He opined just this weekend that her insecurity spoke to his insecurity, kind of like pathologies recognizing each other. Normally he is strong and confident, the boss, the doctor (as am I), but the hidden part of him reached out to someone equally damaged. There may have been some comfort there--at least he was more secure than she was! He never wanted to look weak in front of me.
Now he is more willing to be vulnerable for me and has seen how I did not reject him after telling me of his CSA( which apparently is a common unspoken fear), or for that matter after the A. I, in turn, am more than happy to have him open my car door, choose the wine, carry the packages...it's kind of nice actually and it makes him feel needed.
[This message edited by catlover50 at 3:02 PM, April 29th (Monday)]
That being said, I can say that, personally, I would feel as though my spouse wasn't that committed to our M if she constantly threw out divorce during arguments (I'm guessing the arguments aren't about the A, but, say, about making the car payment, for example). I would feel that she was only with me out of pity or boredom or any other non-romantic, committed reasons. I would honestly recommend NOT making threats you don't intent to backup with actions. It is incredibly confusing for men, and we are confused enough as it is..!
In addition, I would be very displeased if my wife didn't wear her wedding ring, and she would be rightfully displeased if I didn't wear my wedding band. When I see married people not wearing those, I automatically assume they don't want to be labeled as unavailable. Sorry, but that's just the truth, and most people I know feel the same way. You putting on your wedding ring signifies your commitment to your husband (and his to you, when he wears his). My WW always wore her wedding ring (except when she was with her AP. Then, she had the foresight to at least remove it and look available, I guess?).
I understand you have been hurt and abused in your past marriage, but you do have to see that your husband is NOT your ex-husband, as hard as it may be to make transition, mentally, you really need to do that in order to build a closer relationship with him, build intimacy, etc.
Keep up the good work. Keep fighting for what you want. That doesn't mean you don't get to be an independent woman, but your independence should foster a CLOSER relationship with your husband, not the other way around.
I'm going to say this isn't a gender thing thanks to my own anecdote: my wife said that at one point, "It's nice to feel needed by someone."
IMO the feeling needed thing is a misinterpretation of heavy-duty want, like "Right now I need to be with you to feel happy because I can't imagine otherwise" - that is like a codependent way of saying "I really want to feel appreciated."
The problem is that when someone reaches the point of moving into the infidelity ring, nothing the BS can do will make them feel appreciated because the WS is just tuning all that shit out, or even warping it to look entirely different.
Yeah right now the family needs my income and my wife needs my masculinity to protect her from bears and Thin Men but "needs" are really only literal when you're an invalid, incompetent or too young to be considered personally responsible.
also strong willed independence is attractive to some while others want little big eyed wallflowers who would fit right in as a Rescueme Princess in an anime. Those are two polar extremes and generally most people are somewhere in the middle.
wrt throwing divorce into a lot of arguments - yeah it's a way to declare your independence and control over yourself, but it's also a very strong statement about what you think of your relationship. It's like bringing a gun to a shouting match and taking the safety off. In your case your history is such that you need to have that handy and available, but others aren't going to view it the same way - it will predominantly be a statement about your marriage and only tangentially related as a statement about your independence.
Not an excuse to run off and fuck something pliable ofc, that's just cowardice.