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savvy posted 4/29/2013 10:47 AM

How do I stop my self from hoping there is a chance to reconcile? I can't help but hoping but I don't want to so that when the divorce bomb is dropped I don't completely fall apart again. I want to just assume its done I kicked him out but can't break contact. I'm trying really hard. But we also run a business together so we have to be in phone contact. Really struggling to keep my sanity here. So much pain

callmecrazy posted 4/29/2013 11:59 AM

I dont have good advice, I've struggled very hard at cutting all the attachments. I can offer you a hug and some support during this very trying time. Best of luck.

Gr8Wht71 posted 4/29/2013 12:12 PM

A quote from Neitzsche -

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.”

I found that I had to focus on the anger / rage / betrayal to get past hoping for reconciliation. Only when I was angry was I able to function and move forward at all. In a way I was lucky, my WW did not want to reconcile or even try to save the marriage. I did not have to suffer through months of fake R (though, I still wanted to reconcile more than to seperate / divorce).
Its a long and painful journey from D-Day to acceptance. Sorry that you are here, and dealing with this mess.
This song actually sums it up best:

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along

Awake2012 posted 4/29/2013 13:04 PM

Yes, getting mad helps. I myself, let myself be tortured for months. Cried six months straight, then the next three months was a roller coaster, of one day being okay, the next melting down all over again. I realized, I just wasnt coping. So, I started to think what could I do. I very idea, that someone else could have the power of tearing my whole world apart including my sanity (I did go a little crazy) really pissed me off. Noone should have that power. I wish I had thought of these sooner. But my situation is different. I let him stay in my life but he wasnt honest and months of lies took a toll on me. And he is still in my life.

Heres some things I did:
First, I downloaded a ton of girl power music about broken relationships. The one previously mentioned is one of them. I have an hour commute. So I listen to the music at least 2 hours a day on work days. That really helped. I refuse to listen to any other kind. No love songs whats so ever.

I also started fixing myself up more. New clothes, more makeup, better diet, and excerises. Feeling my muscles get harder and feeling strong is motivating. I use BodyrockTV, they are online and free.

I decided no one deserves my heart. This was a hard one for me. But I am getting better at doing this. I started to pay attention to how my WH manipulates situations and conversations. Now I react opposite. Its actually alot of fun throwing him for a loop. Where before he knew what to say to get me to do something, I now do the opposite. I do this to prove to myself, he can only control me if I let him. I gave him that control and he abused it, he doesnt deserve it. If I try to bring up the A (WH still wont talk or confess anything), he will flip the conversation saying I think horrible things of him. I use to feel bad, or my heart would hurt. Now I refuse to feel bad. Those are his thoughts, and he is only saying them to get me to shut up. So now, I tell myself I dont care. I dont care if he feels bad, mad, or whatever other garbage is in his head. He didnt care watching his BW crying while he ran off to party with OW. They are mind games. But if you succeed, you will feel strong. I refuse to care about his feelings. He doesnt care about mine. I take care of me first now.

But at the same time, I refuse to treat him bad. We live together and he is a person too. So I treat him really good. I just refuse to put his feelings and needs first. I did that, and it wasnt enough. He cheated, had an A, and continued it until I showed proof. He watched me suffer for months, and never ended it, believing I would never find out. I still cant fathom the amount of selfishness it takes for that.

Now I take time out for me. If I feel like doing nothing and the housework isnt done. I dont do it. Ha Ha, now he does.

I wont cater to him. Where before I was always running errands he told me to do. I refuse now. But that has alot to do with the fact, that he gave me chores to do, that he had no time for, because he was meeting up with OW.

Get mad, I have a bunch of quotes I tell myself. Im not a tempermental person. Getting mad was hard, but Im getting better at that. But quotes help too. Like "I dont need no man to complete me" and "Im a survivor, I WILL survive".

I also think back on all my accomplishments, to remind myself of my strength.

But above all. I tell myself, I will never give him the power to hurt me like this ever again. For me, it didnt have to go down the way it did. He could have saved me from so much pain, but didnt. I almost think he liked seeing me fall apart, like maybe it made him feel loved in some sick way. But I WILL never be that sobbing mess ever again. Thats one of my promises.

Make some promises to yourself, and if you break them. Try again the next day. You will get stronger. And write them down. Mine are in my phone. I look at them everyday.

And keep coming on here, this website is a must for me. I have meltdowns after Im away for a couple of days. But never hurt when Im on here or just reading. This site is a blessing.

If you would like a list of songs, let me know. The songs help so much.

For me I know the only way Im going to get better without losing who I am, is to fix myself. And I have no intention of being the person he wants me to be anymore. I am slowly discovering who I was again, and my focus is to be her again and never let some man turn me into what he wants EVER again. He can love me for me, or not. And if he cheats again, it has nothing to do with me anyways. That just him being selfish and insecure. Because if I was that bad, he would have left me for her. There is no contact between him and OW. I at least have that.

Take care, hope you find your way sooner than I did. Big Hugs!!!

savvy posted 4/29/2013 15:28 PM

This is some good advice. Thank you. I am really loving this website , I'm not sure I could have made it the past few days without it

Awake2012 posted 4/29/2013 16:26 PM

You will make it, the question is how long will it take. And when you make it, you will be a stronger better person.

I know I will be, I feel it happening already.

Dawn58 posted 4/30/2013 02:49 AM

Hi Savvy,

I know the pain you are going through, hugs to you!!! Just try to breath through the pain. I had hoped for a reconciliation as well, it's been a little over five months, and he is still with the OW. It is hard to let go of the hope, but the sad reality is, he has moved on. I am trying to manage to get through my day. Breath, eat, sleep and do what is directly in front of me. It's okay if you fall apart again, bring your pain here, bring your sadness and anger here. You are not alone!!

Seru posted 5/1/2013 01:58 AM

I know how you feel. I hoped for R and well, got served with papers and well I guess saved me from false R. It doesn't make the pain go away but go from shattered to acceptance is hard. Best thing I did was eat, sleep much as I could take and breath dealing with 5mins to 1hr a day till I can function. I'm now 2 yrs out, life isn't perfect but slowly getting better. Do I love him still sure, we spent half a lifetime together it seems, but now, he moved no and now its my turn to continue to move on to find some happiness and normalcy. I hope... Big hugs as we all reach a place we're gonna be ok.