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inshockandhurt posted 4/29/2013 12:19 PM

So during his shower this morning I noticed that my WH was taking longer than usual and I asked if he was masturbating, he said yes and for some reason I feel hurt. I keep wondering if he was thinking about her at all and I feel hurt that he didn't come to me. We haven't been having a very good time lately, lots of sadness on my part so we haven't been intimate much lately. I understand that he may not have wanted to approach me because I have been so sad but I still wish he had brought his need to me. I feel like he needed something and chose not to get it from me, just like in the affair. Maybe this is ridiculous of me, it probably is, but I can't help feeling it. Am I being stupid?

FightingChance posted 4/29/2013 13:42 PM

I don't think you are being stupid at all. He wanted to get off and chose to masturbate before coming to you. I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask why that is. We are struggling with so many things that even something like this, which may or may not have a plausible explanation, hurt us deeply.

My WH has very little desire for sex. He would rather sleep. Seriously...zero testosterone....our sex life sucks and I feel like surplus in his life anyways so it doesn't help me feel any better that he has no regular need to have sex with me.

inshockandhurt posted 4/29/2013 17:27 PM

Thanks FightingChance, yeah I asked him and he said that he wanted to last night but I was sad, and this morning our kid was awake and he figured I was still too sad for it anyway. I told him that I would have welcomed at least an attempt last night because it would make me feel like he actually wanted me; I have been having a problem with believing that he actually wants and needs me ever since I found out. I am sorry you and your husband aren't doing very well in the sexual department, I know how much that can hurt.

(((FightingChance)))

Thanks for your reply.

Uneek posted 4/29/2013 18:12 PM

I can completely understand why that would bother you. It used to bother me a lot, too, and that was pre-A.

That said, have you been rejecting him a lot lately? If so, he may be at a point where he just feels like he can't handle the rejection. That's where I'm at in our relationship. I am trying my damnedest to be patient and let H work through all the things he needs to work through, but I'm at a point where it's easier and less depressing to service myself.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this

flup posted 4/29/2013 20:14 PM

He may have just needed to get off, without "using" you to do it. Maybe he didn't want you to feel like he was using you for his needs. Guys can only go for so long before the dam breaks...

I think he didn't want to feel like he was imposing on you to meet his needs.

I've had to resort to this when fWW was distracted/busy/etc..

kwim?

Theradin posted 4/29/2013 20:20 PM

Here's my perspective:

Maybe he just wanted to quickly get off in a matter of minutes without having to deal with the kid, etc. Very healthy couples still engage in masturbation. That may seem like a shocker, but it's very much the truth. Sometimes you just want to get off and want to do so quickly without all the intimacy and other things that come with sex. This goes for both men and women, though, I suspect it is more common with me.

I know for me, as a BS, I have experienced difficulty having sex with my WW due to a mental block I have with not seeing what we have as intimate, sacred, shared with only us, etc., and that sometimes equates to me not being able to perform with her. However, I know it isn't an issue with me, as a man, because I can easily masturbate and get off without a second thought. So maybe you have to consider that, too. It may be that he has a mental block and feels very guilty, etc., with what he has put you through that it may be easier mentally to just 'take care of business' alone, at times?

[This message edited by Theradin at 8:20 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

avicarswife posted 4/29/2013 22:12 PM

It would bother me too if I hadn't been the first "port of call".

I guess part of it for me would be I would be wondering what he was thinking about while he was was doing the deed.

Pre D-day I was aware that there were times WH was in the shower for a lengthy period and I didn't think too much about it.

Post D-day it is a whole different ball game! The A has hugely impacted about how I think of myself as a wife , woman and lover. I have issues!

Also I am aware that for woman achieving orgasm is to a large percent mental. You have to be in the relevant head space. I have been told it is not the same for men but the thought of WH using memories of her to get it off is not only painful but disgusting.

I think open discussion and mutual agreement on how this area is handled is key.

I told him that I would have welcomed at least an attempt last night because it would make me feel like he actually wanted me; I have been having a problem with believing that he actually wants and needs me ever since I found out.

How did he respond to this statement from you?

Did you guys come to a resolution about how you will handle this issue in the future?

inshockandhurt posted 4/30/2013 00:35 AM

Hi all, thank you for your replies.

I haven't rejected him, at least not that I can remember, we have had a lot of hysterical bonding since D-day and it has been good, it has just been the last few days that things have just not been syncing up.

I wouldn't normally mind him masturbating, but something about it just really bothered me. Occasionally when I have wanted it lately, not really because I'm 'in the mood' but just because I needed the closeness it brings, he has been too sad and I don't push him, so to find that he wasn't too sad to 'get it up' but didn't come to me makes me feel weird and not needed or wanted. Though I can certainly understand just wanting to get off quickly, it just made me feel sad.

I talked to him about it, asked him if he thought of her at all, and he said no, that the thought of her makes him feel sick and ashamed of himself and he couldn't get off to thoughts of her, which made me feel a little better.

We had a short discussion about this issue and he just apologized and said he didn't think it would bother me, that he wanted to do it the night before but that I was too sad and he didn't think it was the right time, and that this morning he didn't think it would work because of the kid and him having to get ready for work. We didn't come to an official resolution about how to deal with it in the future. I don't want to make it so that he doesn't masturbate though, I feel that that is something he should be able to do whenever he wants, so I am not sure if there is a resolution, although I am hoping next time he will come to me.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

blakesteele posted 4/30/2013 21:15 PM

BS here...but masturbation , my masturbation, has hurt our intimacy....pre-A.

I understand HIS feeling of not wanting to burden you...but dont condone it. Continue to do what you did...engage him, encourage him to engage you. Even if the end result is NOT sex...it still builds intimacy.

Now I see it in a different light. It DOES have the potential to hurt intimacy.

Being a BS though...the rejection my wife showed me was stark and pronounced...it is VERY hard for me to initiate sex...even when my wife initiates it is tough and sometimes I cant continue.

But your husband is in a different vantage point then I am. He really needs to continue to engage through the tough parts...the tough parts being to engage and discuss with you even though you are sad or mad.

In addition, it sounds as if it were just a few days since you last had sex.

I am currently wrestling with the assumed fact that men somehow NEED sexual release. I believed that once, but have since found that the sex drive, just like other emotions can be controlled. I know there are chemicals inside our bodies driving us to do things...but we can release and deal with them in ways that dont hurt intimacy.

I believe your husband really needs to think about anything and everything that could damage the fragile threads of intimacy that still bind you two....if you are like me, these threads are so valuable and small in numbers...need to nurture them at every opportunity.

I am committed to my wife...and am working to change some of my habits as well as challenge societys assumptions regarding masturbation and the male need to have sex.

I dont have the answers....just keep talking with your husband.

We are all LEARNING what it means to R. This is a process.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:28 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]