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Guttedagain posted 4/29/2013 12:23 PM

I will have been married for 25 years this year and have just found out that my husband has been having 2 affairs. I found one via a text on his phone 2 weeks ago. He was drunk and forgot to delete it. Its been going on 16 months. She works in his head office down south. He has met with her twice in that time and had sex. I found the text 2 wks ago and he only told me half the truth, appeared full of remorse and promised the earth, swore on our childrens lives and his dying fathers life (what a scumbag). He did send her a no contact except for work text and told his gen manager so that even work contact could be avoided. I have seen his managers emails. In this economic climate a new job isnt an option. He also arranged counselling for us but there is a six wk waiting list. My gut knew it still wasnt the full truth and i ended up phoning the ow last sunday, she was quite economical with the truth too. I told him i had spoken to her and he eventually spilled the above. Again full of tears and remorse and feeling ashamed. yesterday I was still doubting and checked his emails, he knew i was doing it, then i asked for his phone and he let me have it to, obviously everything already deleted. I was going to use recovery software to pull back his deleted texts and thats when it all kicked off again, took him 2 hrs of arguing and crying before admitting to another affair with someone who works for one of his customers in this city. Says it happened once in march and once in feb. says he broke it off two weeks ago when i discovered the other affair. He says he loves me and the children that he thinks hes having a midlife crisis, 5o next year and these two women offered it to him on a plate. He says it was just sex, says he was upfront with them from the start about leading nowhere and not leaving his family. ( typical cake and eat it scenario) He says they mean absolutely nothing to him. He was a good man and a great father, although he has always found it difficult to talk about his feelings. my daughters are devastated. He appears remorseful and full of tears, says he wasn't telling the full truth because he loves us and felt the more he told, the more it would hurt us and the less chance of me wanting to save the marriage. I had already told him on numerous occasions previously that only 100% truth would make it a possibility. I' m numb, don't know what to think, i've been making excuses to get away from work early as i'm struggling to cope, job is really stressful just now too. I'm still not sure i have the whole truth but because of the tt i don't think i will ever believe him. He is still here, slept on couch last night. Dealing with devastated teen girls and my own feelings is so hard. I feel like i don't know him and now have a stranger. He says he wants me and will never do it again. Do i go to MC and try to save 25 years or has the past 25 years all been a lie? Part of me thinks he's only sorry he got caught. Omg i wish someone could tell me it will all be alright and i could wake up from this nightmare.

Josephine01 posted 4/29/2013 12:42 PM

Oh Devastated,

I can feel your hurt from here. I wish I had some magic words to make it all better, but unfortunantly I don't think there are any.

" Do i go to MC and try to save 25 years or has the past 25 years all been a lie? Part of me thinks he's only sorry he got caught."

Only you can answer this question. But, if you can I think that you should go to IC first, just so that you can start to heal before you bring him into counciling with you. Ask him if he will go to IC too with a different therapist.

Have you asked him if he's happy it is finally over or does he wish he didn't get caught. Watch the expressions on his face perhaps you can tell this way.

Again, I am so sorry you found yourself here, but this is a great support site and you are welcome.


IKnowNow posted 4/29/2013 12:55 PM


I am so sorry that you had to come here, but this is the greatest place of support and understanding there is. And there is fantastic advice from the members to be found here as well.
For now, just try to let yourself breathe, I know it's hard. And remember this (possibly the number one rule at SI) Never Reveal Your Sources (to the Wayward Spouse).
Hugs. We are here. We listen. And others will have great advise for you.

CallMeRed1 posted 4/29/2013 13:32 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Only you can decide if you want to try and make this work, but take some time. You will go through a whole load of emotions in the next few weeks and it won't be easy.

Individial counselling (for you) would be a great idea as soon as you can, so you know someone impartial is listening.

Thinking of you.

Guttedagain posted 4/29/2013 14:28 PM

Thanks everyone, just writing it all down helps alleviate some of the tension.

Josephine01, he says he feels embarrassed, ashamed and says he truly regrets what he's done. Says he feels physically sick when he thinks about it. (Nothing compared to what i feel when i think about it). He says he feels a burden has been lifted. I had asked about the sordid details of the first affair over the last 2weeks and although he said he didn't want to hurt me further, he did answer all my questions. He has given me some of the detail of the affair and the 2 occasions of sex that came out last night but to be honest I haven't asked as much of the graphic detail, think it will be much the same as the first.

Just had another emotional talk and he's says he loves me, wants me and his family, wants us to grow old together, wants me to give him one glimmer of hope. My heart is breaking, i've told him we'll take one day at a time and that this will b a long haul. He says he's sorry and wants to be here for me. He reiterated that i've not to compare myself to them, that they are nothing compared to me ( great, but then why do it in the first place) he says it was sex offered on a plate and lots of flattery to his ageing ego, says he can't believe he's been so stupid and risked everything.

I'll look at IC, although to be honest everything has such a long waiting list at the moment. There are obviously a lot of hurt people out there in the same boat.

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