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Can someone explain false R?

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libertyrocks posted 4/29/2013 13:37 PM

What is your defenition or experience of false R??

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:38 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

1Faith posted 4/29/2013 14:13 PM

I am not an expert on this but I believe it is when a partner commits to R in words but the actions don't back it up.

There could still be contact with the OP or they might simply be "going through the motions"

Follow your instincts to see if your partner's actions support you in your healing.

Hope this helps.

libertyrocks posted 4/29/2013 15:03 PM

Oh, I was thinking of false R for BS.

H showing his effort to healing me threefold.

Today, he called on my break and I told him it's the first Monday I don't hate him. lol. I'm getting tired of hating him.

catlover50 posted 4/29/2013 15:09 PM

So Liberty, do you mean you are in false R because of how you feel?

I think many of us BSs have our feelings change from day to day or even minute by minute. Just because we are not sure how we feel does not make it false, unless you are intentionally misleading the WS.

Best of luck!

libertyrocks posted 4/29/2013 15:16 PM

Sad to say, but I think I'm really misleading him on purpose so he will get better and I could leave him when he's in a healthier state of mind- for himself, for our kids, so he can be a good single dad one day.

I think deep down I don't want to trust him so I tell myself I will not end up with him. Who knows? Maybe he will surprise me. We really do love each other. I just don't trust him. And, yes, my ups and downs are so extreme and unbearable at times. He's very loving on my bad days. I guess I'm in true R if I'm still with him and love him. Heck I even miss him when I'm at work.

I think I am confusing my R with my up and down everyday feelings.

Thanks, catlover.

sisoon posted 4/29/2013 17:58 PM

Sad to say, but I think I'm really misleading him on purpose so he will get better and I could leave him when he's in a healthier state of mind....

Yeah. No. Stop.

lib, You're 6 months out. I don't care how smart your are or how together you are, finding out about an A is a big deal, and it's immensely difficult to integrate into our lives.

Feel your feelings. Think your thoughts. Accept that you'll be all over the place in your thinking and feeling. Trust yourself. Act when you're ready. Don't be afraid to back track when you go off on a dead end trail.

Some people know where they're going immediately Some people - most people, I think - need a lot more time to figure out where they want to go. (I won't even mention the time spent on the various journeys you need to take, which also take time....)

I don't think you're in R yet, 'cause nobody can trust your H to be fully committed yet, and that may be a big contributor to your confusion.

2-5 years, sis, 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts. And the quickest way through this is to go slow.

Theradin posted 4/29/2013 20:30 PM

I think it has a really simple explanation. False R is when you feel your WS isn't being 100% honest with you, is keeping shit from you, is in any way in contact with his/her AP, or acting in a way that would make any spouse feel betrayed or violated.

If any of those apply, you are likely in false R.

sri624 posted 4/30/2013 02:47 AM

false r is when your wayward is still lying/cheating in any way after dday, even after you both have agreed to attempt to reconcile. unfortunatly i was in false r. after dday, i discovered 9 months later that my husband was still cheating. it is a brutal realization and sets you back eve further.

mchercheur posted 4/30/2013 06:11 AM

it is when a partner commits to R in words but the actions don't back it up.
There could still be contact with the OP or they might simply be "going through the motions"

Thank you, LR for asking this, & thank you everyone for replying. I had the same question & am now clearer.

Yesterday, my IC said that even tho my WH is not doing all the things I want him to do ( like looking inward), there are many ways to get to the same place. That just because he is not a reader (he only read 1 book, & 1 article that I gave him), & is not a discussion board type of person ( he came on here once & did not come back), & is not into counseling so doesnt want to go to IC,( however he continues to go to MC with me since Dday), doesn't mean that he does not have a good intention of making things right.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:18 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 4/30/2013 06:33 AM

I consider the first 2.5 years after dday#1 to be false R.

My gut was screaming,I asked over and over for him to tell me what I didn't know..he swore I knew everything.

He refused IC,saying he knew what he did was wrong,he didn't need anyone to tell him that,and he didn't need to go.

Dday#2 resulted when I found a hidden cell phone in his truck(found by accident). After a thorough study,I concluded the phone was not his..his claim is..and evidence supports the claim..that he stole it out of the bathroom at work 2 days prior to me finding view porn(big NO in our marriage,as it lead him down the slope to cheating).

The shock of what he had low he had sunk..shook my WH up..which lead to dday#3...

Major TT...he told me off a whole other AP/PA that took place a few months prior to dday#1. *THIS* is what I didn't know about..what he was hiding.

So because he was lying,and refusing to seek help..I consider the first few years of our R to be false. You must have complete honesty to R. He blew that all to Hell.

Offhispedestal posted 4/30/2013 10:27 AM

My false R went like this;
Him: I'm sorry baby, I can't believe how stupid and selfish I was!! To think I could ever find another love like ours! Please forgive me, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you etc.....tears and all

What actually happened?
Within a week he becomes depressed,withdrawn... I found an instant message on the computer from him to her just a sad face. She replies and contact begins. He starts snapping at me over anything. Just to get out of the house,"I need to think, so I'm taking a drive" " going to the gym" and comes back like 3 hrs later....

False R is the WS cake eating bottom line!! You will know true R trust me there is a huge huge difference!!

Ashland13 posted 4/30/2013 11:30 AM

False R is when one or both people say one thing but do another.

False R is pretending while showing another "front" or self to a marriage partner.

False R is going through motions but not feeling the thoughts that match the motions.

False R is saying words a person has no interest or intent on following up on. Lies.

False R is also words that do not match actions.

False R is full of so many things and yes, I think can occur on either married person's behalf.

Liberty, I had similar feelings and wanted to oust STBXH if he returned for real, too, just to show him what it felt like-but they were just fantasies of my own fog.

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