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Ann124 posted 4/29/2013 13:46 PM

As time gets closer for me to move home (different state) and STXWH is helping me move by driving the u-haul. I want to make it perfectly clear from this moment forward that we are only to call each other in case of an emergency with one of the kids/young adults, no texting unless one of us didn't answer because of an emergency as stated above, and all other communication (which should only be about finances and the divorce hearing in July)should be done via email. Beyond that, as far as I am concerned we have nothing more to discuss.

I want to leave a typed note, stating the above information, to him in his laptop that he will receive when he returns to the Midwest. I know if I try to verbalize this to him now or in the near future two things will happen: 1) He will play victim and all the "Oh whoa is me" scenarios for the next four weeks (okay thirty days - five hours and ten minutes and 20 seconds to be exact ... Yes I can't wait to get out of here) and I will have to listen to it for the eighteen hour drive. 2) If I have a face to face conversation with him about this ... when he breaks the deal(which he will) I listed above he will just say "Oh I forgot!" I feel that if it is a note that there should be no excuses ...

Yet, on the other hand,I feel in a way by leaving the note it is very passive aggressive; however,it is the only way, without making the remainder of my time here miserable ... Any and all suggestions will be welcome! Thxs in advance

Housefulloflove posted 4/29/2013 14:23 PM

I think you should tell him that in whatever way feels comfortable to YOU. Chances are no matter what you do, he is going to try to do what he wants no matter how you feel or how you express those feelings.

It's not passive-aggressive IMO. It's direct and meant to give take away some of the excuses he may use to get around something explicitly stated.

Ashland13 posted 4/29/2013 14:37 PM

FWIW, (For What it's Worth), I don't think this is passive-aggressive at all. My understanding of that term is this: if you felt this and didn't didn't write the note (i.e., passive via doing nothing but having a feeling or need) and express your needs of limited contact...the next step in the concept would be if he violated this boundary and still you said nothing, but then, you got angry about it, but still said nothing...but let him be aware you were angry in other ways. Retalliation.

In my point of view, your writing such a note would be proactive and setting boundaries that you need to heal.

Passive-aggression as I understand is hiding how someone really feels and letting it build up via resentment, sometimes over time, and then BAM!-letting a person "have it", so to speak.

I think leaving it so you're not there after he reads it is also a boundary or form of self-protection and necessary if you think he will spew or twist.

Good luck on your move. DD and I may be doing that, as well.

Undefinabl3 posted 4/29/2013 14:57 PM

Yet, on the other hand,I feel in a way by leaving the note it is very passive aggressive.

Its not passive aggressive to leave an note, as long as there is no beating around the bush....

This:

I would prefer it if you didnt call me for no reason. If one of the kids is in an emergency, then that's ok, but I really dont want to just chit chat and stuff. (and then go onto chit chat, but get mad at him when he tries to chit chat back)

PA = its wishy washy and aloff and full of loopholes to get into.

This:

From (insert date) the only communication that we will have will have to do with the children, finances, or any child emergency related issues. Email will be the first line of communcation followed by phone call or text, depending on the severity and/or need of communication.

And then that's it...its to the point, there is no room for discussion, and since it is written (preferably emailed) there is documentation of such that you can return to if need be.

[This message edited by Undefinabl3 at 2:59 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Ann124 posted 4/29/2013 17:27 PM

Thank you everyone, I guess I am just over analyzing the situation and just needed a refresher in regards to P/D.