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Can R happen while some parties are in the dark?

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WastedEffort posted 4/29/2013 13:59 PM

In my situation, my wife and I are trying to work on reconciliation while life circumstances remain the same. She still works where her affair happened and was built. She still has to have sporadic contact with the AP in work related situations. I have zero ability to monitor her company email or Blackberry. (I do have the password, but can only check once she's home). His wife doesn't know about the affair.
While I believe that this time she is sincere that she does not contact him, desires not to and wants to never do it again: I find whenever we are having strained moments to automatically feel she could be vulnerable to starting it up again. I also feel if he was able to do it a 2nd time with her, despite me knowing all about him, then what would stop him this time? He also knew all about my efforts at healing in the 1st go round and chose to arrogantly proceed anyway, though he does not want to leave his marriage
Am I defining crazy by doing the same things and expecting different results?

numb&dumb posted 4/29/2013 14:12 PM

She still works where her affair happened and was built.

Can she look for another job ? What is stopping her ? Does she give you excuses about why she can't do so. I get economic considerations, but actions have consequences. Which is more important to her ?

His wife doesn't know about the affair.

Why not ? The truth eventually comes out. If you were in her shoes would you want someone to tell you ? Aside from that he needs to understand, this time, you are not just kind of pissed. You mean business. If your W protest at this one I would be suspicious. If I were you I would just let her know without telling your W, so she doesn't have a chance to contact AP and concoct a story to cover.

I also feel if he was able to do it a 2nd time with her

While I get the focus on the OP. Your W did this knowingly a second time after you agreed to try and work things out. She is an adult and you need to focus on her and how she is treating your M. He didn't make any promises to you at the altar.

What has your W done towards healing your M ? Your gut is screaming and I would pay attention to it. Sometimes it is like a drug addiction that someone can't shake. I would pay close attention and ask for transparency.

IF she balks at any of this I would detach and being to work on being in a good place despite the outcome of your R.

confused615 posted 4/29/2013 14:13 PM

His wife needs to know. She deserves to know. And,considering they were trying to get pregnant..and conceived...during the affair he had with your wife,this poor woman NEEDS to know. She has been exposed to STD's and the health and life of her and her unborn child are at risk. Even if your WW's STD results were ok...if he is cheating on his wife..your WW might not have been the only one. And,no,STD tests are not automatic when you are pregnant.

She also deserves to know the truth about her marriage. She deserves to know that her WH leaves for work every day and sees his AP. She has the right to know what is going on in her life.

Telling her will also help prevent another dday. It's another set of eyes on the situation. And,chances are,the OM will throw your wife under the bus with his BW in order to save his marriage. It will break the affair fog your WW is in..and she just might reach remorse.

Absolutely tell. not tell your WW that you are going to tell her. She will warn him and he will tell his wife that you are crazy and jealous and accusing everyone that your WW works for of having an A with your wife. Or some other such nonsense.

Call her. Tell her gently. Offer her a copy of whatever evidence you have. Don't email her or facebook her. OM knows you know,so chances are,he is watching for you to try and communicate with his BW..and will delete messages.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:15 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Undefinabl3 posted 4/29/2013 14:14 PM

I find whenever we are having strained moments to automatically feel she could be vulnerable to starting it up again.

Unfortunetly, there's nothing that could stop it. Its one of the reasons why BS's dont like to rock the boat, and that can hurt their healing process.

Does you WS know these are your feelings? Does she know that when you have bumps in the road, you fear her going to him instead of you?

As a fWS i am firm believer that the OM's Wife deserves to know. She should know because she needs to be able to make her own choices in her marriage.

There is not much to your story to go far out from D-day you are, how long you would consider yourself in true reconciliation, that kind of thing.....but I dont think you are crazy, i just think you are not sure what road you need to take next, we can help you here.

WastedEffort posted 4/29/2013 14:28 PM

Thanks for your responses to date.

My WW does want his wife to know, except for how that could affect her job. (He is more senior than her, though not in the same department). She would not be able to find another work opportunity that would generate near the same $$. Thus we both feel this would put additional strain on our R. She could relocate cities, but I feel that this would bring a whole lot of other challenges. Besides, my family is all from hear and I don't feel I should have to lose everything to pay for their choices. I've already paid enough.

I am sensitive to telling a woman who's 6mos. pregnant such devastating news. I feel for her and how that news would feel in normal circumstances, let alone these. Believe me, this guy deserves to have the whole truth exposed. Including that he got my wife pregnant and she lost her tubes when it went ectopic. That's how Dday#1 came about.

We are almost 3 months from Dday2 in which she told me because she couldn't live with what she was doing to me and causing me to have suspicious bouts from time to time. She also couldn't find a way out on her own, though she'd tried 3 different times to end it on her own. It was a cry for help and I believe the majority of the affair fog has lifted now. But it was tough that first month to watch her deal with her break-up and not be able to start focusing on us.

Theradin posted 4/29/2013 14:30 PM

First of all, it sounds like you are blaming him for 'making' your WW screw around on you. He isnt to blame at all. Your WW is 100% to blame. He's just testing his luck to see if a married woman will sleep with him. Lots of guys out there do that. My WW's AP is the same way.

That aside, personally, I would NOT commit to R with a WS if they were still in contact with their AP. I don't care if it's work, the gym, Arby's, etc. NC is an absolutely non-negotiable requirement for R. In addition, the AP's wife needs to know (wouldnt you want to know, if you were in her situation?). If your WW cant do those things, then it says a LOT about het commitment to you, not to mention R.

MoreWould posted 4/29/2013 14:32 PM

Our situation was similar in that FWW and her AP worked at the only company in this area in the field. Quitting not a good option.

Also, FWW was far from completely convincing that she was truly remorseful and that A was 100%, never to return despite temptation. We still managed to R, but it's the hardest road because it requires trust where it has been broken.

Tell the AP's W, aka OW. At least you can get another set of eyes of them. Be gentle, and factual, not vindictive, but tell her. OW telling me was the only thing that saved my M.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 2:33 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

WastedEffort posted 4/29/2013 14:44 PM

Believe me I want to tell her...but being pregnant and all just feels a little insensitive. Course, if he was doing it while they were trying to conceive and after she was pregnant, there'd be nothing to tell!
I also fear that the unknown fallout of her knowing and the effect on my wife and her job could make our R more difficult than it currently is. Tell me if I'm insane to think I'm protecting our M and ability to R by keeping the circle this small.

MoreWould posted 4/29/2013 15:28 PM


OK, you're insane. I know her pregnancy is a wild card that deserves consideration, but you need another set of eyes of "those two".

Without that, I fear you will go crazy with fear and doubt.

confused615 posted 4/29/2013 15:34 PM

You are protecting her from the consequences of her actions. Not a good idea.

You really need to tell this woman. Like I said, you can not be sure that your WW is the "only" OW in the man's life. His wife is could mean the difference between life and death..that is how serious an STD can be to a pregnant woman. If she knows before the birth,it very well could be treated and deliver a fine,healthy baby. But if she has an STD and passes it along to the baby, the outcome could be devastating.

As a mother,and a BW, I can promise you,I would want to know.

Telling her is not insensitive. What your WW did was say the least...Telling his wife is the compassionate,kind,honest thing to do.

I understand your WW is worried about how it will affect her job. But, quite frankly,she should have thought about that before she had an A with a coworker..and continues the A after her BH found out. I understand that finding another job would bring stress into an already stressful situation. But there are huge advantages to her finding another job.

The best way to end her affair fog is to shine a big light on the affair. She is still unremorseful..and working with the OM. You need to stop worrying about protecting her,and start protecting yourself and the marriage. You aren't doing her,the OM's BW,your marriage,and most importantly..yourself..any favors by keeping this all nice and quiet for her.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:36 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

WastedEffort posted 4/29/2013 16:28 PM

Lots of good reasons to ponder...

I guess I'm afraid of being blamed for possibly dousing the spark of R. At least at this stage. Maybe it's something I need to put a timeline to if I still feel the same way in a few months. But then again, maybe I am risking a Dday3 by waiting. Very tough decision.

ungracie posted 4/29/2013 16:56 PM

Keeping the ap's BW in the dark is condoning and now being an active participant in the affair lies.

Yes, there could be negative consequences, consequences that both ap's accepted the risk for.

Part of owning ones accepting of the consequences for our choices.

Rebreather posted 4/29/2013 17:50 PM

I think by not telling his wife, and allowing her to continue to work withi him, you virtually guarantee a third dday, and possibly the end of your marriage. All of these bargains you are making with yourself are the things most likely to backfire and produce the opposite result.

Tell his wife.

Tell your wife to get another job. Will it cause financial distress? Less than a divorce will.

Stop bargaining and take the firm actions needs. Very few reconcile by being wishy washy. I know it sounds harsh, but it is what it is. Firm, decisive actions are needed.

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