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Tired of hurting and damn it, very jealous

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lonelylost posted 4/29/2013 14:05 PM

Background: Dday #2 was Aug 2012, I left pretty much immediately after I found out. We were married 21 years. He never called me back, never wanted R. He never admitted anything, but never wanted to work on our M. So I knew D was eminent.
D was final Jan 2013.

I know this is still relatively recent blah, blah, blah, so I'm not to expect much of a new beginning. I'm still stuck in the pain.

I'm hurt it was so easy for him not to care. I'm hurt he never tries to contact me (I know, that's a good thing. I'm not contacting him as well). There isn't even a particular OW involved as he had many inappropriate "friends". He's living with his cousin (we sold our house)and still never thought to fight for our marriage. How can it be so easy for him while I'm crumbling?

And I'm JEALOUS! Not of any OW but of all the betrayed people who go through this and say, I just want to concentrate on myself. Why can't I do that?

I just want someone to love me. Someone to want me. I know it's soon, but can't shake the feeling that I'm empty without someone to share life with. What if I never get that someone? My religious beliefs restrict me from jumping into a relationship with anyone, so it's very well possible I'll be alone for a very, very, long time.

I can't be comfortable with that. And I really do want to be. I want to be the type that says, "I'm enjoying life just for me!"

somanyyears posted 4/29/2013 14:21 PM

first, it may not be true that everything is so easy for him.

..hoping he is actually suffering way more than you for his actions..

..i hope you will get to a point where you will enjoy life just for you!!


Exit Wounds posted 4/29/2013 15:38 PM

Oh my dear friend lonelylost...
Pull up a chair and let me tell you a story.
My ex-h did something very ugly to my kids and me. He, one day, (Father's day 2011 to be exact) walked out of my kids and my life. He took all the money out of the bank and told me to fuck off b/c he had found himself a brand new GF who had everything inc a "HUUUUGE HOUSE" (his words not mine) and two boys that he was going to help raise. -While he left HIS own two kids in the dirt (boy age 10 and girl age 12). He had it all figured out you see. He was going to move into HER house, have NO rent payment and live happily ever after. While our two kids and I were struggling to figure out what bridge we were going to sleep under
Well, I cried and cried, and cried and prayed!

God really does listen to prayers. He will always be in time, maybe not our time, but HIS TIME.

Fast forward 2 years. Now my wonderful ex-h age 45 lives with his mommy and his step-dad. His great, sexy, home owning GF dumped him and he was left with nothing!

I am doing good. Kids are doing OK. We struggle every month to pay our bills, I work three jobs. But we are doing OK.
I am telling you, your POS may look like he is having a great time, but let God "adjust" a few things in HIS TIME, and see where you and he are at in a couple of years!
Remember, this is just in the "now" who is to say he will not be miserable in a couple of years from "now?"

I hope I don't come across as rambling.
I will pray for you and hang in there, life is eventually going to fix itself.
You just wait and see my dear.
Lots of hugs and peace,

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 3:17 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

roughroadahead posted 4/29/2013 17:45 PM

Duplicate and it wasn't even the phone this time.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 5:46 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

roughroadahead posted 4/29/2013 17:45 PM

Don't think of concentrating on yourself as this huge, amorphous kind of blob concept that you need to start right away and make everything better. Small steps. Have you read "getting past your break up"? In that book, the author suggests starting with one night of the week in which you can do one thing for you. It doesn't have to be a big thing. I believe the author chose to sit in a bath with candles and deep condition her hair. It eventually builds on itself, with time. Take the time to get to know yourself again, but without any expectation that you have to have joined 10 meetup groups, taken up a new hobby and have made dozens of friends for it to "count". Maybe that will come in time, but start with something small.

better4me posted 4/29/2013 22:10 PM

it is the dreaded four letter word, dear LL "TIME" and I would add another four letter word to that "WORK". I still struggle with loneliness from time to time, still struggle with sadness sometimes but it is so much easier than it used to be.

Do you remember doing something that you used to like to do that you haven't done for awhile? Do that. Was there something that you always wanted to try but didn't do because your X wasn't willing to try it? Are there friends that you used to do things with that you would like to see again? Call them. IS there a group that needs volunteers in your town? Do that. There are lots of ways to fill up one's emptiness--a relationship might be the one you are focused on, but there are lots of ways to become less lonely and to enrich your life. And all of them can include learning about and loving yourself!

It will get better, you will be able to concentrate on yourself if you trust that you can do that steps!

Survivor3512 posted 4/29/2013 22:22 PM

(((Lonelylost))) I so know how you feel. I feel that way too sometimes, but you do need to start taking baby steps toward taking care of you. It's hard, but you can do it.

Dawn58 posted 4/30/2013 02:36 AM

Oh Lonelylost, you are speaking for me as well. My Dday was 11.25.12 and I have just started going through the divorce process. This morning I woke up and felt so much pain. I so miss the man I thought I married. I so miss waking up next to him and cuddling with him. Telling him that I loved him.

He has moved on. He is with the OW. He so easily moved on, while I am struggling. I have cried nearly every day since I found out about the A. I am not at the point where I can let him go. I can't even figure out who he is??

He never wanted to work on the marriage. He never gave me a second chance.

I thought I was with the man I was going to love for the rest of my life. I miss the life I had, I miss the love I felt. My anniversary is next Sunday and I have been flooded with memories of our wedding day and all the promises we made that day. Promises that he broke.

I am so sorry for both of us, I know what you are going through. Like you, i wish that I could just concentrate on creating a life for myself. I was blindsided by the affair and I am still feeling confused and lost. Not in a place where I can even begin to see what my life alone is going to look like.

Ashland13 posted 4/30/2013 11:50 AM

This is me, too.

And I've learned that STBXH may try to take more away during D process.

How come he can't just do what he did and leave the rest alone, so I can move on, too?

He is just like all of yours, never wanted to work on the marriage from inside with me, only from outside and destroy.

I was so darn devoted to him that I don't even know what I like or want to do. I have to have this baby on my own and support DD, so I don't know where this leaves me to search for "me"?

I was a SAHM for 20 years and had tunnel vision for him, so I feel very much how I imagine a widow would, except now is a strange person with my husband's name in my telephone.

Yes, I too wonder about the levels of selfishness, even though I believe the NPD theory and it helps.

I'm sorry for all of your pain.

lonelylost posted 4/30/2013 12:26 PM

I just want to throw my arms around every one of you guys and say thank you! I think we need a group hug....

(((( ((somanyyears)), ((Exit Wounds)), ((roughroadahead)), ((better4me)), ((Survivor3512)), ((Dawn58)), ((Ashland13)) ))))

That's our group hug.

little turtle posted 4/30/2013 12:51 PM

I'm sorry you guys are hurting. I remember the same feeling. XH wouldn't give OW up and therefore, we had to divorce. While I wasn't with XH very long, I had hopes and dreams of our future together. I had to put all of that aside and start fresh. I moved out of the marital home. Neither of us could afford it, so it went into foreclosure. I'm living in a 2 bedroom condo with a fenced in patio-yard. I miss my backyard and garage. I miss my spare bedroom. I do like my basement that I didn't have before. I don't care for the people who live in my community, but it's the best I can have for what I can afford. I started working a year and half ago (I was a SAHM while going to school) and I'm saving up for my new beginning.

One day, I'll be living in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I won't have to worry about finding a host for my kids' birthday parties because I'll have enough space to fit everyone. I'll have a yard where I can send my boys out to play and they can run around. I won't have to tell my kids to quiet down every day because the neighbors can hear us! One day at a time, we all get where we're headed.

mixedemotions posted 4/30/2013 13:23 PM

I just want someone to love me. Someone to want me.

Who are the people in your life who do love and want you? And if there aren't any or aren't enough then I really like all the other suggestions about places to meet people, and other support groups worked for me.

I found a piece of advice really helpful when I was in this exact same place - although we're relational beings by nature and we want romantic love, there are also other types of love. There are ways to fulfill your wants/needs for connection in non-romantic ways. Sure it doesn't feel all the way as nice as a husband, but healthy relationships with men are on the horizon. Now is the time to enjoy the feeling of connecting with really good friends or family members or even a laugh with a stranger over something funny that happens out in public somewhere.

I know it's soon, but can't shake the feeling that I'm empty without someone to share life with. What if I never get that someone?

Do you really, truly, honestly believe that? Or is that fear and pain talking? Breathe deeply and think into your future, do you see yourself with someone eventually? Even if it's not in the time frame you were hoping for?

it's very well possible I'll be alone for a very, very, long time.

I was in this EXACT place several months ago. I went sobbing into my IC's office with this whole idea about how I won't be open to the idea of dating post S or D for a while and then I'll be stuck in Chicago where I am now for a while before I eventually move back down South and so I can't meet anyone in Chicago because that makes no sense to get attached and on and on about this formula that resulted in the conclusion that I would be alone for an eternity. She calmed me down and said "is it possible that the best time to find love is when you meet someone who you feel safe, and nurtured and comfortable with?"

Um..yes, yes IC it is.

"And is it possible to just let that happen and trust that it will happen at the right time?"

Um...yes. Now, all these months later and still no prospects, I'm certainly lonely at times but am very, very thankful for the "me" time it took to get to where I am now in my recovery. When I find someone and he finds me, it will be worth the wait because I'll be healthier and able to be in a healthy relationship, whereas in the past I wasn't.

I can't be comfortable with that. And I really do want to be. I want to be the type that says, "I'm enjoying life just for me!"

Can't...or won't? Is it possible to look at this as a choice? I know it's so early in the process and the pain is so terrible, but it does get better, you will feel just have to let yourself feel better. (That could sound infuriating if you're in a lot of pain right now, I get it, I was there too, it comes together eventually. It really does)

Hugs to you, keep posting and reading, it really helps!

ShockedAndHurt posted 4/30/2013 15:14 PM

This thread really speaks to me too. I have moments of feeling overwhelmed by loneliness and longing to be in a loving relationship again. I want my old life back. I don't want a new relationship, I want an established one, with someone who knows me and gets me. I want to fast forward a few years and be in that place with someone good, someone who never hurt me.

My ex is remorseful and wants to R, but I can't, I just can't be with him any more but I miss who I thought he was so much. I miss the marriage I thought we had.

cmego posted 4/30/2013 16:18 PM

The first year was definitely the hardest in the lonely category. To me, it felt like I was sooooo used to putting all of this love out toward STBX, that I still had all of this love, but no direction to focus it.

I pushed myself to focus on moving, redecorating my new home, settling the kids, starting school, started IC. The entire first year I didn't date at all. Didn't even look at a man. I knew I wasn't ready.

The second year, I got the "all clear" from my IC, and slowly dated, mostly unsuccessfully. When the loneliness crept back in...I bought a puppy.

I'm now in year three. I have good girlfriends, still date occasionally. The loneliness is there, but, I guess I'm used to it? I have good friends and I stay busy. I'm not sure it really ever leaves, I think you just fill your time and it becomes background noise. The busier you are, the less you focus on it.

WS moved on instantly. Has a boyfriend of almost 18 months now. I am jealous that he finds people so easily, but I refuse to settle. I am happy. I do want a relationship in the future, but it isn't my primary focus. *I* am my primary focus now.

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