SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Ashland13 posted 4/29/2013 14:29 PM

In between tears and my belly stretching this weekend, I made a joke that I wanted to share.

The background of it is that I finally got up the courage to attend the inlaw's weekly dinner.

As I sat there and listened to the few people who spoke, I was again made aware of the extent of rug sweeping that has always gone on there.

STBXH grew up with it and it's all he knows and it's very apparent since his cheating, too.

So my joke is that the reason the "growing up house" has hard wood floors is because they couldn't fit any more rugs in-there was just too much under them!

Then I decided that's why they don't like wall to wall carpeting, because you can't pick up the edges!

Maybe corny, but I had an Lol all by myself in the middle of the group.

They do so much of it that sometimes I am not sure of how much reality they live in and they don't deal with problems until they are major traumas. There are many addictions that no one helps address, but when a trauma occurs, there is bail out. Then the cycle begins again.

It's a large family full of traditions, but also full of addictions as well, that they pretend are not there.

And when a spouse is left struggling and can't find their way, there can be critism instead of trying to help.

I have wondered on my stronger days, if there will be a time that I will be glad from some space from that. STBXH is the youngest of over 10 an it was a massive amount of pressure. I never quite felt approval from some, but he said he didn't either.

tesla posted 4/29/2013 17:31 PM

Geez, Ash, I don't think I would go to these dinners. They don't sound like a very nice group of people. Why torment yourself?

(((Ashland)))

Ashland13 posted 4/29/2013 18:15 PM

Hi Tesla,

I'm not going to go to many.

It's interesting to be on this side of the fence. They're a big group who stick together when one does wrong, or is "in trouble". They speak of OW if I'm one-on-one with them and they don't want her to go if she ever does, but they won't make any boundaries, either. Perv is the youngest of them and I guess he decided to stop trying to win their approval. I think I'm rambling.

It was kind of a double edged sword, because the eldest said to me, "You know, you could have come a lot sooner but you waited and he said you could!" I don't feel like I need his permission, when they are all welcoming-at least to my face.

And DD was really, really excited. It was a boost for my morale and she talked about it all night and this morning. Do you know what she said? "Mommy, I felt safer when you were there and had more fun!"

After spending last year learning about NPD, I can now go down the list of them and peg them all for various levels of it. The inlaws they chose to marry or be SOs are generally codependent or learn to stifle it.

And they enjoy thinking and talking about how fancy they are, because the father was a successful guy, but in reality they have some of the most skeletons I've ever known of. Perv was one of the cleanest ones, but more and more I wonder how much he just hid?

I suspect the upbringing and how they each came out of childhood traumas as well as living with alcoholic but functioning and wealthy/narcissistic parents that weren't dealt with fully. They're so controlling they can't get along, for the brothers and then the sisters bail them out.

So anyway, it was just interesting enough to mention because rug sweeping comes up on SI.

I think my blinders are finally coming off, but he and they make themselves out to be these people who can do just anything, but many will also do just anything they want to

I've been noticing also the nuances in the group and half the men are gay, so in some ways it's not out of question or realm of surprise that Perv would have some sex thing. He just hid it so well.

Now, as we move toward court, he works very hard to minimalize what he did. He is playing the "pity me, poor me in my marriage, my spouse didn't meet my needs" card, when in reality he swept his needs under the rug and didn't tell me.

One of the brothers who is next in line to Perv told me that after the dad died, (Perv was not yet even puberty age) they all decided whenever they were sad or had emotions, they would sheild the mother and not tell her they had problems-they would fix them themselves. This was eye-opening for me to learn, as the theory is that Perv has that madonna/mother figure thing with me.

And now, back to the dinners, maybe when Sundays come I won't miss them so much? I've attended them for 20 years, so it's been a void not to go. I need to find other things to do with the time instead and now I can know what goes on.