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ok to date during separation?

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meplustwo posted 4/29/2013 14:48 PM

Not that I have any prospects, but just wanted to know if anyone had any suggestions/advice on this. My husband and I are separated, living apart. He is not ready to kick his ow to the curb and I am starting nc and 180. In the meantime, is it okay to "date?" As you all know, we take a hit to our self esteem when we get cheated on. I love sex (sorry if that's TMI) and I have a b.o.b., but it just isn't the same. Not that I want to be promiscuous, but I need to feel sexy and desired again by a man. I wouldn't start a relationship, its way too early for that, but I need some real interaction. Plus, part of the reason I think I keep breaking my nc is to have sex. It may make it easier to nc and move on if I can get my needs met...thanks in advance for any input. And I swear, I'm not a sex addict, I'm just used to having it lots

Nature_Girl posted 4/29/2013 14:51 PM

Gently, you need counseling. Big time.

JanaGreen posted 4/29/2013 14:55 PM

I wouldn't if there's any chance whatsoever that you two might get back together.

hurtbs posted 4/29/2013 14:57 PM

Generally, when you're still so emotional, it's not a good idea. You need to take some time to heal and figure out who you are without your WH.

Ashland13 posted 4/29/2013 14:59 PM

I wouldn't if it could be used against you in any way by your WH.

Then you could know later that you did as much "right" as possible.

If you get to D and there is court and lawyers, it could be very tricky, where you could choose the high road until a time when you won't need to ask and could just enjoy.

ugh! posted 4/29/2013 15:02 PM

NOT a good idea. Seriously, NO NO NO NO NO.

fallingquickly posted 4/29/2013 15:05 PM

To me I am married until I get divorced. I don't believe in dating while married. But that is me. I also have no desire to be with someone who is willing to be with me at this point. Why would I want to be with someone who would date a married woman?

roughroadahead posted 4/29/2013 15:10 PM

Even if morally ok, it is emotionally a bad, bad idea. As Nature_Girl said, better bet is to get a counselor, not a boyfriend.

meplustwo posted 4/29/2013 15:11 PM

I reread my post and I realize it may seem a bit like I am valuing my self worth with sex and attention from my husband. That may be the case. My husband is able to use this to get what he wants from me. I certainly want to change that. I want relationships and physical relations with men (whether hubby or eventually with someone else) to be about intimacy, not a way to judge my own self worth. Thanks for the advice, as always!

Nature_Girl posted 4/29/2013 15:19 PM

One of the many reasons I'm suggesting counseling is that you've basically said you don't want a relationship, you just want someone to fuck & get you off. That is such a horrible way to treat another human being. If that's honestly how you feel, then just call a male escort & be done with it. Even FWB aren't so cold & callous as to not even want the "friends" component.

7yrsflushed posted 4/29/2013 15:27 PM

Depends on the state you live in. I say that because if you live in a fault state and you decide to date/sleep with someone then your WH may use it against you and file for D. Obviously you could do the same to him but it's easier to file on grounds of adultery if only one of you has committed adultery.

My suggestion is for you to focus on yourself, get into counseling, 180 and detach. If you want to be with other people then file for D and move on with your life. Dating will likely just complicate your life even further a well as possibly complicatign the life of a third party that didn't ask to be thrown in the middle of this.

If you really want to get back at your WH then 180 him, close the "bakery" and move on with your life. Stop letting him cake eat and live your life the way you want to live it.

meplustwo posted 4/29/2013 15:29 PM

Thanks Nature_Girl. I realize that it would be using someone else (not any better than what he is doing to me). I wouldn't want to put anyone else in a position to be used and tossed aside

LastChanceLarry posted 4/29/2013 15:34 PM

I hear you on needing to feel sexy and fullfil that desire but it's important not to use sex as a tool to validate yourself.

If you're looking for permission to go out and pick up guys you best look somewhere else, no one here will tell you that's a good idea. Not only are there so many ways it could backfire on your relationship/end of relationship with WH but it takes away from the potential time you have right now to work on you.

It's normal to have these feelings, to feel like you need that connection with another, however there are other, more important things to take care of first. Instead of wasting time and energy trying to fill the void WH left behind you should instead focus on why you feel the need to have sex.

Why do you keep going back to WH?
Why are you so interested in dating?
Why is sex so important for you?
Why are you uncomfortable with spending time with yourself?

Think of it this way, broken WH checked out of the M and filled that void with OW. Are you seriously considering doing the same? You're better than that. Stronger than that.

Don't get me wrong, i love sex too. LOVE IT. It's been over 8 months since i've gotten more than a kiss from WXGF (or anyone for that matter) and yeah, taking care of things myself have gotten super boring. But you know what? I'm doing OK and i'm working on myself right now. Sure i'd love to jump right back into a relationship or at least get some physical attention but i realize that this is part of the healing process.

Be good to yourself. Set some boundaries. You can buy yourself some sexy new undies or treat yourself to a massage if you really need to be touched, lots of folks swear by this. If BOB 'aint cutting it, upgrade! Maybe take some of that sexual energy and put it towards something else like dance class or painting or hiking. Above all else, NC WITH WH! NC = no new hurts.

Things will start to clear up in time, just keep the focus on you. IC is a great tool if you haven't started already, 10 out of 10 SIers recommend!

Keep us posted, we're all here for you.

ETA: Also, slight 2x4 here.. Wonder why WH hasn't really "chosen"? You keep giving it up to him. Not only does he get to bang OW whenever he wants but you keep coming back for more and that really doesn't send the message "you better stop sleeping around or i'll leave for good!" Separating has done nothing but give him the freedom to chase tail more freely. Close the bakery. 180. NC.


[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 3:38 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

CharlieFoxtrot posted 4/29/2013 16:13 PM

You've already gotten some great words of wisdom, so I will try not to repeat them, just second the *no*.

Sex is so much more than actions and getting off. Take a lot of time, work on you, bc your wholeness and completeness only comes from your healing.

tesla posted 4/29/2013 16:52 PM

I'm with NG on this.

I've got a really strong sex drive and I've been warming a seat on the bus for longer than I care to think about...but to me, I can't let that drive overpower what sex really means to me: emotional intimacy and commitment. I run.
I run a lot of miles.
I run a lot of miles very fast.
It helps me not to go insane.

ChoosingHope posted 4/29/2013 18:37 PM

Why do you keep going back to WH?
Why are you so interested in dating?
Why is sex so important for you?
Why are you uncomfortable with spending time with yourself?

This. ^^^

Some divorces (like mine) drag on for years, and at some point it doesn't matter anymore if you date or not. My A told me I am free to date. But what's more important are the REASONS why you want to date. They don't seem healthy or (ahem) very ethical.

You're probably in the middle of the most difficult, stressful, distressing time of your life. And your posts seem to reflect great distress. Please don't make things worse for yourself by sleeping around!!!

Things WILL get better - hang in there, and get yourself as much emotional support as possible. If you get the support and do the hard work necessary to heal from this, better times (and hopefully love and light) will follow.

Or so my IRL divorced friends tell me!!!

h0peless posted 4/29/2013 19:20 PM

I need to feel sexy and desired again by a man.

Sorry, but I don't buy this. You need food. You need water. You need shelter. That's what you need. You want (and most of us do) connections with people, love, sex, etc. Those are things that are really great. But to feel that you NEED something that you can't provide for yourself says to me that perhaps you ought to examine why you NEED that.

I totally get where you're coming from. It's been almost 10 months for me and I'm not going to lie, it has been difficult at times. I would really like to have sex but I would rather that be with a person who I really care about and who hopefully really cares about me. My first sexual experience was pretty casual and it was really empty and unfulfilling, especially compared to what I had (or thought I had at least) with XWW.

Hang in there! I'm sure you are wonderful and desirable but if you're always looking for someone else to validate that, you'll never be completely satisfied.

crazynot posted 4/30/2013 09:10 AM

The 'no' bit isn't the 'separated but not yet divorced' thing for me, but the 'I still have feelings for my husband' thing. My not-divorced-yetness is a technicality, my WH is absolutely besotted with OW and I got over him three years ago. So I consider myself absolutely free to date. But you seem to have some feelings still for your WH, and also to be sleeping with him... I hadn't had sex with mine for ten years ( ). Getting involved with someone else on any level when you have feelings for another is a no-no.

Heal&Deal posted 4/30/2013 18:40 PM

If you want to feel sexy, hit the lingerie store, buy some pretty new clothes, get to the gym, have you hair cut and styled, etc, etc, etc. There are lots of ways to work on your self esteem regarding your physical attractiveness that do not involve sex.

Additionally, physical touch has different levels of importance to different people. How about getting a massage? is just not nice to use people. is not safe for your body to have sex with multiple or un-vetted partners.

Ashland13 posted 4/30/2013 18:46 PM

I think I wrote before, but after reading some more, it occurs to me that I wonder if sex is an outlet for you?

STBXH is this way and it "allows" him to ignore marriage...

So I worry for you because you seem very focused on this.

I don't know if I'm old fashioned or not, but I also noticed that in your post's topic it said "date", but for me, getting to the sex part is more involved than just "dating", but I know these terms and ideas are different for everybody.

If you wrote "companionship" or something, I could really relate to that.

I hope things work out the way you want.

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