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DD Catching "Fun Dad" in Lies

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Ashland13 posted 4/29/2013 15:26 PM

It's very sad when this happens and it happened again this weekend.

STBXH makes promises to DD, from small to big, but if he misses something, she is right there to catch it. This was a simple one with miscommunication about the bed time phone calls...that he missed again (and tried to blame me but it failed).

I work really hard when it happens to remain neutraly supportive in my response to her and often find myself just saying, "I'm sorry" and hugging her til the grief subsides.

Though he ruined both my life and hers, I know that hers is separate with him from mine, and I want very much not to ever bad mouth him to her and never have. The strength it takes is a lot, but I have pride in it later and when I remember "it's for her", I can do it.

It's so very hard to watch her disappointments in him grow and she doesn't know the truth in entirety...yet.

At the beginning of the separation, she was entranced with this new "glittery" dad, who takes her out every weekend and buys lots of stuff. Not expensive, but something new every week and out to eat or fun places. In his fog, he thinks he can put a band aid over his abandonment, but she is seeing that he is not who we thought, in her way.

So I guess this post is just a small rant or comment because I've seen lots about kids on SI lately.

CharlieFoxtrot posted 4/29/2013 16:16 PM

(((Ashland and DD)))

I am in this very same boat with you. No wisdom to offer yet, but I am working through it at the same time, so know you aren't alone!!

Kajem posted 4/29/2013 16:31 PM

DD2 (now 22) and DD3 (20) have both told me recently that they didn't think they would be talking much more with XSO... in both their words "he is just pretending to be something he isn't with us."

I don't know how to take it... and then I Think I don't need to take it any particular way. They are all adults, I am the bystander.

If he breaks their hearts, I will help pick up the pieces and hand them the glue to put them back together.

It's all I can do.



tesla posted 4/29/2013 16:42 PM

What Kajem said.
You can't make him be a good dad. But you can keep being the great mom that you are. DD is picking up on the difference and really, it is an important life lesson about who she can trust, who is interested in her as a person, and who is just using her.
Sucks that it's her dad that she's learning the negative examples from.

SBB posted 4/29/2013 17:11 PM

Sucks that it's her dad that she's learning the negative examples from.

It is tough to watch.

Of all the disappointment I have felt throughout this the one that burns the most is my disappointment in him as a father.

Comfort, reassurance, stability and love are what our kids need right now.

Divorce cures a shit husband problem but not a shit father problem.


Ashland13 posted 4/29/2013 18:37 PM

Thank you, everybody.

Her pain is so hard for me to see and hear and he is here for none of it, though people tell me he speaks of wanting to be a good dad.

To this day an entire year later, I relive in my mind her screams the day he abandoned us first-that she knew of, because one he came back before she woke up-those screams and her running from window to window-it haunts me and I don't think I will ever forget.

Four times he snuck or stomped off, never staying til after school to tell her himself and leaving me to do it. Naturally, he minimalizes this and even tries to say it was less times than that, but I don't accept that from him.

He speaks to people abut being a good dad and that's a two-fold thing for me, because I can't separate him from the deceipt, and he deceives her, also. He hears her cry every time he leaves her again but does it anyway.

Recently he spoke of wishing she could live with him "there" and it made me throw up. He thinks that custody and our house would be mine "because I'm the mom". But he gave that up, didn't he?

I am trying not to think too far ahead, but I think of the baby also, who doesn't even know him yet. He spoke of taking the baby "with him" to help me with nights and that made me gag. I know that he wants to replace me, but these aren't that woman's children...they're mine!

I'd better end, I feel a rant coming!

Any ideas are helpful, for that comment he made about DD living there is in my mind days later. He has said he wouldn't try to take them from me legally nor steal them, but I don't trust his words as far as I can spit.

Ashland13 posted 4/29/2013 18:42 PM

P.S. She also has signs of NPD that I'm working hard to thwart.

What I've tried to learn is, is NPD a natural thing and curbed when noticed, or is it learned? I've read that it's kind of bred based on how a kid is brought up...if they are handed everything and over-praised, for instance.

Perv is an extreme narcissist as are his siblings (and mine!).

Nature_Girl posted 4/29/2013 18:44 PM

Divorce cures a shit husband problem but not a shit father problem.

That quote should be etched in gold!

Phoenix1 posted 4/30/2013 00:39 AM

Even though my kids are older (youngest DD16), it broke my heart a few months ago when she asked if dad had a secret second family he was visiting because he would disappear for hours with no good explanation. That's when I really realized that she suspected much more than I thought. I covered for that shitbag for years to spare the kids. Now that they know and see thru all his smoke and mirrors I finally get to breath. They now know their real father, and he is the one that gets to try to repair that damage. I hate to see them turn their back on him, but he brought it on himself...there ARE consequences for shitty actions

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