"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

codiath posted 4/29/2013 15:52 PM

My W and I are trying to R but the last couple days have been very difficult. We are both have our hearts in R. The triggers seem to be getting worse. What I could deal with last week is killing me now. I've been breaking down every night. The triggers are starting to cause chain reactions. I know with time we can get past this but it seems to be getting harder. I thought I had forgiven her but am slowly realizing that may not be true. Not knowing everything is hurting so badly but I'm afraid of what I might find out. I asked her to write down everything and she has been procrastinating and is reluctant to do so. I'm afraid she is going to filter. We have been getting along great throughout the day but at night I can't help but to dwell on what she did and completely break down. I sometimes wonder if we can R. I want to more than anything I just am not seeing any progress. Is it normal to feel like you're going backwards?

heartbroken2012 posted 4/29/2013 15:53 PM

Yes its back and forth all the time. I guess that's why they call it a rollercoaster this...horrible ride.

I dont have any advice...just that you arent alone.

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/29/2013 16:30 PM

Sorry but I know how you feel. Please keep in mind you are really close to your DDay. You are still in shock. What you are going through is MAJOR trama. Its like getting open heart surgery. You can go in and get it done but just cant get up and live the your life the same like nothing happened. It takes time, eating right and changing your life style to heal. Similar with infidelity. Your innocence, faith, vows... everything has been altered. Its really hard man. I am 8 months out and still have a string of bad days, then a good day, then a string of bad days. Forgiveness takes time... dont rush it. The best thing she can do is answer all your questions honestly (that is really hard but if she wants to R and help you heal this is a must) That was the only way my triggers were reduced.

at night I can't help but to dwell on what she did and completely break down.

I still have inner battles with this. Your WW has to want R as bad and must be willing to give it 110% You found a good place. This place although triggers me sometimes has ben really helpful. There are ALOT of people just like you on here. Go to the healing library at click BS FAQ there is some good reading there. Best of luck!!!

codiath posted 4/29/2013 18:39 PM

I don't know how I can ever thank the people here enough. This site doesn't seem to trigger me. I always feel better after being here. Everyone is always so positive and supportive. For that I thank you all.

I knew this process was going to be hard but had no idea just how hard. She has also been doing research on how to help us heal. Most of the time she reads or understand things differently than I do. Truth is I don't know who's right. I don't know what I need to heal. I don't know how. I have never felt this kind of pain and at times its overwhelming. I guess I just need to take it day at a time while keeping the future I/we want. That is very hard to do when there is no finish line in sight.

Again thank you all for taking time out of your day to help others.

Theradin posted 4/29/2013 20:27 PM

According to your profile, you are only days (weeks, maybe?) from DDay. There really isn't a way you can realistically forgive her at this point. Hell, you don't even know the half of whatever she has done to you, especially since she hasn't even written down a timeline for you or anything of that nature. You're probably in for a shocker when she does, especially as she has been hesitant to do so. I know I was shocked when my WW told me. What I thought was a 2-3-month tryst with a loser who made a living by gambling and selling drugs was actually WAY more than that. She had been cheating on me since 6-months out from when we first got married (almost 8 years ago). This all got revealed when I pressured her repeatedly to tell me the truth. Even still, it took like 9-10 more 'truth sessions' to finally get the whole truth out. I think I know 99% of it now. I THINK. It's only then that you can really start to weigh the gravity of the situation and see what you're really dealing with and who you're married to. And then, after that, once you truly process what has happened, why it happened, and if it'll ever happen again, can you then start to forgive. It's a long process, brother, and it's not for the faint of heart.

Just keep putting one step in front of the next. If you're serious about R, you may need to establish some bottom lines and boundaries with her. Things you need and require in order to move forward with true R.

[This message edited by Theradin at 8:28 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

jjsr posted 4/29/2013 21:15 PM

I hate to say this but you are going to feel this way for quite awhile. Your dday is recent, so in all of this give yourself a break. You need to feel it to get thru it. If your not getting some help get some

codiath posted 4/29/2013 23:19 PM

I know I sound like a broken record but thank you all. Not just for listening or telling me your story but for not sugar coating things. I hope at some point she can get past the fear of hurting me and tell me the truth and the bluntness I need. I know I'm still close to D-day and am expecting to hurt for a long time. I know this isn't going to be easy but nothing worth having is.

ItsaClimb posted 4/30/2013 01:19 AM

Be prepared to go through stages - sometimes anger will be your dominant emotion, other times sadness, perhaps denial...and then you may go back to anger (even rage!) for some time. Often at about 5 - 6 months out the anger REALLY hits hard. You might want to google the stages of grief, because this process seems very similar to that.

Seems to me that many people go through a stage a couple of weeks out when they think "Hey, I can DO this, I can forgive my WS", only to find a couple of weeks later that it is sooo much harder than they thought. It happened to me.

Also, you may find that almost on a daily basis, for quite some time, you decide to R, to separate, to R, to D.... you feel quite crazy with indecision. That's normal. I'm more than 8 months out and I STILL have no idea what my final outcome is going to be. Lots of long-time SIers suggest giving it a year before making a decision - I think that's good advice.

Just remember, you have been through a MAJOR trauma. Some are even diagnosed with PTSD after going through what we are going through. Be gentle with yourself, and most importantly accept that this takes TIME to work through.

Knowing posted 4/30/2013 04:07 AM

Also, in regards to the timeline she is writing for you, don''t be surprised if it is incomplete. They aka ways minimize the A. Listen to your gut. Go over the timeline with her. Fill in the missing parts. It''s a work in progress. A complete timeline helped me a lot.

How can I heal if I don''t know what I''m healing from?

[This message edited by Knowing at 4:07 AM, April 30th, 2013 (Tuesday)]