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Looking back afterward (long)

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WarInside posted 4/29/2013 19:03 PM

Hi all,

To those of you who remember me, I hope you're well. It has been quite some time since I've been active on this site. I figured now was as good of a time as any to say hello.

As some of you may remember, my WW started cheating on me while I was on a work assignment in Afghanistan in 2010. It began less than a year after our wedding, and progressed to a second man before I discovered it about five months later. She was involved with both men at the time.

After years of being together, I felt compelled to give it a try. For the next year, I thought we were in R, only to subsequently learn she had been in contact with at least one of them men on and off. She also put an ad on Craigslist seeking platonic male friends (so she said), which pushed me to separate in August 2011. During the next few months, I learned about more lies and cheating from before our wedding. I filed for D, and it became final in March 2012.

Last year was everything I could have ever wanted. I went back to Afghanistan by choice, and had a wonderfully fulfilling experience. I started to put myself out there in dating when I returned, and discovered that the experience could be fun, even though it was confusing at times. (Seriously... and with love... you women are complicated creatures.)

When I least expected it, I met someone wonderful at the end of last summer. Although I was initially concerned about getting serious with someone again, she has proven to be a blessing in my life. She has supported me through yet a third trip overseas, helped me learn how to trust again and accepted both me and my family for who we are. We spend many hours laughing and enjoying mutual interests that range from co-ed sports to trying new restaurants.

Next weekend, my ex-WW will get married again. We don't talk, and I choose to neither wish her well nor harm. I'm strangely ambivalent, other than still being shocked how badly I could have been fooled. She started dating about six weeks after I fled for D, and moved in with him a month after it was final. The speed with which she moved on angered me for a while, but I now see it for what it is: her refusing to take time and heal.

I write all this to say that I'm happier than I have been in years. I dream about getting married to GF, but have no plans to rush it -- time will help show if that's right for us both. I spent a lot of time in counseling before I met her, I believe it helped set the stage for me to meet someone wonderful. We don't live together (yet, at least), but we spend lots of time enjoying the little things in life. I met her father for the first time last month through Easter, and we all went golfing.

For those of you who are still down, it gets better. Whether your relationships make it or not, the scars heal over time. We grow from the most traumatic experiences in our lives, and eventually find peace if we let it come.

Thanks to any of you out there who are still on this message board and wrote me -- privately or on the boards -- when I needed an ear. You helped me find my voice in my relationship, see a toxic person for what she was and seek the help I need to get over it. I have a wonderful family and friend base, but I was afraid to tell many of them for along time in attempted R because I knew they'd never look at her the same afterward. They helped me through the last stages when my decision was made.

I'll check back over the next few days, but I'll probably again log in infrequently going forward. I greatly respect all of you who stick around here and help others, but I think I'm best suited pressing forward in my own life away from the keyboard. My best to you all.

Amazonia posted 4/29/2013 20:26 PM

You know I'm happy for you.

torn2bits posted 4/29/2013 20:44 PM

War, WOW! Thank you for returning to give this message!

Some are scared to leave a toxic person for fear of leaving our comfort zone.

You are proof you can survive.

Thank you again and my very best wishes for your future!

nutmegkitty posted 4/29/2013 21:10 PM

What a positive update! Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

tesla posted 4/30/2013 06:10 AM

I love reading posts like this. Thanks for taking the time to stop by.

wonderingbull posted 4/30/2013 11:38 AM

Well done my man...


WarInside posted 4/30/2013 18:28 PM

Thanks. Honestly, I feel like I'm living an entirely different life now, even though I didn't even swap apartments. I simply fixed things up, moved forward and found people who want to be around and positive influences in my life.

It's going to be a little weird knowing X-WW has a wedding on Saturday... but I never really knew her anyway.

cmego posted 4/30/2013 19:45 PM

My sister was married to her first husband for just a few years. They do have a child together.

It's been 10 years or so since their D, they have both moved on. They do see each other occasionally over their son, but that may be once a month, or once every other month.

She says it was like a previous life. She describes it as, "I know how he takes his coffee, and what he likes to eat...but I don't know him. It was almost like a dream I kinda remember."

I think it sounds like you are doing great!

wontdefineme posted 4/30/2013 23:15 PM

Congrats, I remember you.

Good you have coome so far. Wish you the best for your future and hope you never experience infidelity ever again. With men like you in the military, I hope you can reach those who plan to destroy their families lives before they do as a positive influence.

toby posted 4/30/2013 23:17 PM

Dude!!!! Great update!!!!

nowiknow23 posted 5/1/2013 08:58 AM

but I never really knew her anyway.
So true. A familiar stranger.

Congrats on your new life, War.

WarInside posted 5/1/2013 20:27 PM

Thanks. I think it became easier to let it go when I realized how many lies I had missed before I even proposed. At some point, you realize there's an endless black hole that you're pouring yourself into in a toxic relationship, and it can never be filled.

I can't help but think that X-WW's new SO has been sold a false bill of goods, as well. Does he have ANY idea what happened before he met her? He can't, right? No way a sane dude would marry a girl like that barely a year after her divorce became final.

Amazonia posted 5/1/2013 21:18 PM

I think that about my XH sometimes. I'm sure that, given his attitude during the divorce, he will never tell future girl friends that he was married. In his mind, it never happened. I'm sure he's told his gf (OW) all sorts of lovely things about me/us. She knew me, so she knew exactly what she was getting into, or should have.

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