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Suspicious again...heard phone call...told I didn't hear it

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mainlyinpain posted 4/29/2013 20:27 PM

Hurting very much....don't know all the acronyms to use but Husband had five year affair ...ended when I found out in 7/2004 but only because she broke it off at same time.....He was seeing her again in 2011..found out by seeing pictures on her daughters facebook of my husband at their family party....he lied about pictures...talked to daughter who had no idea he was still married...had been told he was separated...but I thought we were happily married and had survived her mother in out marriage from seven years before...
He says he ended that then and that that had been just a year of lunch sex...believe? don't know...
This past Friday I get a hang up phone call....blocked like his cell...hmmm
I called him and asked if he called me he says no...but....we ende call but he doesnt turn his phone I listen...he is driving home....stops at post office and I hear door open....gets in and soon starts talking to someone...only hear his side of conversation....not on the phone I am listening through....can't hear it all but distinctly hear.....called you sooner cuz I thought "this girls gonna fall asleep on me"...then some laughing and not much else...nothing I could understand
Confronted him when he got home hoping he would have some explanation about another phone he is using and some innocuous conversation....but....denies having any conversation.....stomach plummets because obviously a lie....

shiloe posted 4/29/2013 20:35 PM

((mainlyinpain)) I am so sorry. It just tears me up when I read when a WH flat out lies. My ex was a master at this.
You know what you heard. You did hear it. Don't let him make you crazy. You know he is lying and now he knows you are on to him and will get more sneaky. He will never admit it. You need to let things calm down and then do stealth investigating.
I know, its a killer when they lie to your face . .

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:35 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

mainlyinpain posted 4/29/2013 20:48 PM

Thank you thank you for your reply
I feel like I am on such a lonely planet
Don't really have anyone to talk to about this...hiding it mostly
Today he just yelled and yelled at me about why I can't trust him
I said either you have a secret phone and talked to someone or I am insane and he just says he has no phone, had no convo so I must be insane
Was very nice and loving them but now
He is very angry that I questioned him again and makes me feel like I am to blame for talking about it...
I tried for two days to suspend belief but Monday morning know what you heard...and he told you you didnt hear it

Nature_Girl posted 4/29/2013 21:02 PM

This is called gaslighting. My STBX did this to me so much I often thought I was losing my mind. He did it not just for cheating activities, he did it for other things in our lives as well.

I agree with the advice for you to drop the subject for now. Let him think he's convinced you you're hearing things. Then you get a VAR and put it in his car. And you get a VAR to put somewhere in your home if you suspect he's talking or doing stuff when you're not around. And get a keylogger if you think the computer is being used.

He thinks you're dumb and will believe whatever he tells you. That will be his undoing.

mainlyinpain posted 4/29/2013 21:03 PM

It is so hard to calm hard to be by myself as my only protect myself from the one who is supposed to protect me
I feel so beat down by his anger and telling me that I can't let it go
That he can't take any more accusations,
I have questioned my sanity so many times
I have gone through so much already
I always hope to have the truth...seem unable to accept that he will never tell me truths....Just so much want us face to face where he tells me....I did this....Here is the truth....don't care what it is so long as he tells it to me
Biggest matter what I know if he tells me I am matter what evidence I see I can't say you did this and I know for a fact
If he gets angry and still denies....I have nowhere to go....I think because then he would blame me and my not believing him ....blaming me would hurt so much...I can't choose that hurt

simplydevastated posted 4/29/2013 21:06 PM

You're not alone on this new planet...population 39,134.

We're here to help and listen the best way we can. Sometimes we'll have an answer. Other times we'll have a (((hug))).

You know what you heard, don't let him twist it into something else. This is classic WS (wayward spouse) behavior. He knows he's busted so he'll do anything to make you look/feel crazy. Don't believe it, any of it. He's angry because he's busted, plain and simple.

Now it's time for you to go cloak and dagger on his ass. Put on your best Oscar winning performance and go through everything - cell phone bills, credit card bills, computer (files, internet history, cookies, favorites etc...) coat pockets, dresser drawers. If something can be hidden some place, check it out.

It's not fun, we've all been down this road. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you found us.

Post often, it helps.


mainlyinpain posted 4/29/2013 21:10 PM

Thank you Nature_Girl,
So sorry for all you have gone through
My husband is also a serial liar about other things....he had therapy but it never ends...the lying I mean...
I put a VAR in his car today. I am so afraid he will find it
I don't know if I put it in the right place to pick up conversations or not
I put in in the center console last night
I hate having to act against him like this
I never could understand abused woman who said they stayed because they "loved him"
Always thought they were cerazy
Now I am the crazy one...having to spy on the one I love
I have been married to him for almost thirty years...I have been with him since I was eighteen
I want to love him with all my heart but ...can't look the other way

Nature_Girl posted 4/29/2013 21:19 PM

I can't tell you about VAR placement, I never had to use one. I would like to assure you that you have every right to pursue the truth in your marriage. I know you're going to agonize about this anyway, we all have been there.

Theradin posted 4/29/2013 21:24 PM

So sorry for your repeated trauma. Your husband does not sound like a safe, good person. To imagine this has gone on for as long as it has is deplorable. And his continued lying to you shows he has absolutely no integrity or character.

Given your situation, and what I've previously read in your other posts (very few), I would STRONGLY recommend checking out and following the 180 guide in the Healing Library. I think it is long past due for you to start focusing on yourself, distancing yourself from this harmful, unsafe person, and getting yourself back in order.

I've been in your situation, but unfortunately, when I was in it, I didn't have (didn't know it existed), and thus, didn't have the Healing Library or the support of the hundreds and hundreds of people who exist on these forums.

You are in a state of confusion, trauma and shock. The best thing to do, especially since you aren't likely thinking very clearly right now, is to simply follow what is in the 180 guide. It will be your savior; that, I can promise you.

Be strong. This, too, shall pass.

Safeguard posted 4/29/2013 21:26 PM

.talked to daughter who had no idea he was still married...had been told he was separated...but I thought we were happily married and had survived her mother in out marriage from seven years before...

Mainlyinpain, your Husband has been Gaslighting you for a looooooonnnnggg time. He's not going to stop now. That's torture.

No wonder you are feeling so devastated.
You have been in false R(recovery)for nearly a decade!

I am Soo angry for you right now!! What a cruel thing to do!!!

Trust in yourself. Heck, I don't even know him, and I don't believe one word he said about the pictures OR the phone call.

I am absolutely stunned. ((((MIP)))

[This message edited by Safeguard at 9:31 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

mainlyinpain posted 4/29/2013 21:44 PM

I just don't understand this type of person, can't comprehend loving someone and hurting them so much
Could never do that
He insists that he loves me and only me and gets angry and says he has been doing everything he has supposed to...don't even know what that means...he just has so much anger....
When do I get to have anger?
You are right....I has been a false recovery for ten years...I am such a dope....why why why does he/did he not just leave....why torture me? How can he feel good about that? Is it worth it? How can you be happy doing that? Why has the OW the creepy, disgusting, vile, I hope she dies a rotten death, OW been content with this half life?

mainlyinpain posted 4/29/2013 21:59 PM

What is the 180 guide? Can't seem to find that, sorry for being so dense and or blind, obviously a fault of mine

Chicky posted 4/29/2013 22:23 PM

Scroll down to number 11. ((((hugs))))

Safeguard posted 4/29/2013 22:53 PM

Love is blind mainlyinpain.

Those with the biggest hearts, often fail to see the deceptions the most.

When you can't even conceive, of hurting someone you love, so terribly, you don't even know what that looks like. Unfortunately, most of us here have been given a front row seat, to that particular performance, and so, NOW we KNOW, what false R looks like in all it's many disguises...

Please don't think you were "dense", you were loving. There is NO shame in that. The Shame is on your WH. He took,(Big Time!),advantage of your love, your trust and your good nature. I am truly sorry. I know how badly that hurts.

I'm glad you found SI. It's a healing place, you are among friends, who have already been where you are now.

"The best way to know, what lies up the road, is to ask someone who's on the way back"

[This message edited by Safeguard at 11:37 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 4/29/2013 23:22 PM

If you stay here for longer than, oh, let's say a day, you'll discover that our WS's all seem to be reading out of the same playbook. They are not original. They say the same stuff, try the same lies & tricks. Sadly, that your husband has lied to you this long and adamantly denied to your face that he's innocent? Old hat around here. Nothing new. Most all of the WS's pull that stunt. We've all been lied to. We've had the pleasure of observing our WS's stare right into our eyes and lie lie lie lie lie.

There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing. This isn't your fault. I think you've finally caught a whiff of fresh air, rather than the gassy bullshit your husband has been forcing on you.

mainlyinpain posted 4/29/2013 23:37 PM

Yes, I sort of feel like I have seen a translation of another language that I have been struggling to understand
I was floored to realize that I never really had a reconciliation from the first time...that I have lived a decade with that falseness..
I have always struggled with do you throw someone away?
Someone who says they want a life with you but then destroys that life? I feel that sometimes I first respond as a nurturer and I see HIS hurt and want to make it better...and proceed to make things better..then he shoots himself in the foot time after time and I struggle to make sense...

Nature_Girl posted 4/29/2013 23:43 PM

As soon as DDay1 passed I was making an appointment with a counselor for ME. I knew I had a lot of work to do on myself because not only this time did I have proof (again) of his cheating, I was finally ready to face that there was something wrong with me, too. I'd enabled him all those years. I knew I needed help.

Think you could do with a couple sessions, too?

Safeguard posted 4/29/2013 23:43 PM

I feel that sometimes I first respond as a nurturer and I see HIS hurt and want to make it better...and proceed to make things better..then he shoots himself in the foot time after time and I struggle to make sense...

And there you go, your doing it now. He shot YOU. His foot is fine.

I am just like this. I had to learn that looking out for me, was not the same as being cruel, selfish.

Who was nurturing YOU, and killing themselves to "understand and nurture you. My guess would be "no one". Not even

(Ok that message came out wierd, too tired to try and fix it now lol.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 11:47 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 4/30/2013 00:34 AM

Phoenix1 posted 4/30/2013 00:54 AM

No one wants to see all those years come to and end, but trust your gut and become a detective. I 'knew' my husband was using a secret drop phone, but couldn't catch him. My youngest daughter confirmed it when she told me she walked in on him and noticed it wasn't his regular cell and he suddenly changed his discussion. My gut instincts were right! Go stealth mode and gather all documents and let him believe you agree that you were imagining it...

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