We're in recovery, but I'm finding myself all of a sudden questioning things that I never questioned in the past.
Someone years ago once wrote a note to her calling her "the love of his life." It seemed cheeky at the time, but I'm now paranoid that she also cheated then. I never questioned it before.
Should I track down that person -- he's easy to find -- and ask?
Do I have anything to gain?
It would set back or end recovery for me.
You found out very recently and I am sorry you find yourself here. How is your communication?
Have you asked your wife about this? Or do you want "ammo" first?
The thought sucks, but IMO you will re-visit it until you know.
I would need the truth in order to really R. What happens if you are 4 years down the road and find out something happened?
I would rather know all the "sh*t" up front than to be blind sided later.
True R begins and ends with the truth.
What do I gain/lose by digging deeper into WW's past.
How will doing that help/hurt R, and my chances to save my M?
Only *you* can answer those bro. It's your M and your life and you have to make the call.
On the one hand it would bring me some peace to know nothing else happened. On the other hand, I'm afraid to find out that something else did happen.
I could be just paranoid. But that's exactly the problem. I'm paranoid.
Absolutely, no you are not. You are having a perfectly normal reaction to a very traumatic event. Your WW is a proven liar. Of course you want/need to verify everything.
If you want to contact the other suspected OM, lie and tell him OW threw him under the bus and you just want to verify his side
The plain fact is that she already blew your M up with the *one* you know about. The damage is the same no matter how many times she did it. And yeah dude, you are a little paranoid now. While that's completely normal for a BS considering their world has just imploded, when it's taken to extremes at the same time you're trying to R, it gives birth to all sorts of other shit you just don't need to deal with right now.
So here's my suggestion to you. Get into IC if you're not already. Make *this* issue your first priority there. Puke it *all* out to the counselor and let him/her give you some tools to address the paranoia. Because until you begin to realize that the poor people in Hiroshima would be no less dead if we dropped a *hundred* atom bombs there, you'll never be able to deal with this and begin to R with your WW.
Of course you *do* have another option open to you. Just cut through all the bullshit now and file for D. Oops, you know what though, it *still* wouldn't matter then how many dudes she slept with now would it?
*Think about it*
ETA: Please don't think I'm being flippant here. I know your pain brother because I was there not too long ago. I just want you to think this over in your mind before you do something that may get out of hand. PEACE
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 12:26 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]
Trust your gut.. around here it is usually right.
I would have to know.
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger