Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Do I want to know more about the past?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/29/2013 21:32 PM

I never thought that my wife would cheat. On Feb. 20 I found out that after 12 years she was having a nine-month affair.

We're in recovery, but I'm finding myself all of a sudden questioning things that I never questioned in the past.

Someone years ago once wrote a note to her calling her "the love of his life." It seemed cheeky at the time, but I'm now paranoid that she also cheated then. I never questioned it before.

Should I track down that person -- he's easy to find -- and ask?

Do I have anything to gain?

It would set back or end recovery for me.

manybrokenpieces posted 4/29/2013 22:13 PM

WH had 5 yr A so I get the questioning of all aspects of your life.

You found out very recently and I am sorry you find yourself here. How is your communication?

Have you asked your wife about this? Or do you want "ammo" first?

karmahappens posted 4/29/2013 22:18 PM

Hi Feeling...

The thought sucks, but IMO you will re-visit it until you know.

I would need the truth in order to really R. What happens if you are 4 years down the road and find out something happened?

I would rather know all the "sh*t" up front than to be blind sided later.

True R begins and ends with the truth.


PanicAttack53 posted 4/29/2013 22:24 PM

FSM, I get your wanting to know it all. I was the exact same way. It's also very normal for a BS to question everything in their M. Please know though that digging farther back for other transgressions is a slippery slope. You've already said that it would be a deal breaker for you. So with that in mind, you need to ask yourself some pretty tough questions. Even more importantly, you need to be brutally honest with yourself when answering them....

What do I gain/lose by digging deeper into WW's past.

How will doing that help/hurt R, and my chances to save my M?

Only *you* can answer those bro. It's your M and your life and you have to make the call.

Good luck!

FeelingSoMuch posted 4/29/2013 23:25 PM

This is a tough one. I asked and she denies that anything happened. I could be just paranoid. But that's exactly the problem. I'm paranoid.

On the one hand it would bring me some peace to know nothing else happened. On the other hand, I'm afraid to find out that something else did happen.

5454real posted 4/30/2013 00:03 AM

I could be just paranoid. But that's exactly the problem. I'm paranoid.

Absolutely, no you are not. You are having a perfectly normal reaction to a very traumatic event. Your WW is a proven liar. Of course you want/need to verify everything.

If you want to contact the other suspected OM, lie and tell him OW threw him under the bus and you just want to verify his side


PanicAttack53 posted 4/30/2013 00:10 AM

OK look, you already know that she screwed around on you once right? So what is really the difference if she did it twice? Would it be any worse if it was 5 or 10 or 20 times?

The plain fact is that she already blew your M up with the *one* you know about. The damage is the same no matter how many times she did it. And yeah dude, you are a little paranoid now. While that's completely normal for a BS considering their world has just imploded, when it's taken to extremes at the same time you're trying to R, it gives birth to all sorts of other shit you just don't need to deal with right now.

So here's my suggestion to you. Get into IC if you're not already. Make *this* issue your first priority there. Puke it *all* out to the counselor and let him/her give you some tools to address the paranoia. Because until you begin to realize that the poor people in Hiroshima would be no less dead if we dropped a *hundred* atom bombs there, you'll never be able to deal with this and begin to R with your WW.

Of course you *do* have another option open to you. Just cut through all the bullshit now and file for D. Oops, you know what though, it *still* wouldn't matter then how many dudes she slept with now would it?

*Think about it*

ETA: Please don't think I'm being flippant here. I know your pain brother because I was there not too long ago. I just want you to think this over in your mind before you do something that may get out of hand. PEACE

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 12:26 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

circlingthedrain posted 4/30/2013 07:00 AM

I agree with PA53 that if you are going to D it makes no difference. But if you plan to offer your WW the gift of R, it is imperative that she be honest with you about everything. You cant R on a foundation of lies. So if she says that nothing happened and it did, she does not get it yet and is still protecting herself --- not R material yet. She needs to realize that her number one goal is to help you heal and that requires the truth ... the whole ugly truth.

Trust your gut.. around here it is usually right.

I would have to know.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.