It really feels like it's been more than three months. I feel like I'm back to my old self again. Back in March, my routine physical came back with a cancer scare. Nothing puts things into perspective like the fear of death. By the end of that week, I felt like the fog had been lifted.
Initially I was afraid that it was only temporary. Maybe it was just another emotional high point that would only be followed by a crash. Well, it's been a month and I still feel the same. I stopped engaging her in any communication that didn't pertain to our daughter. I started hitting the gym and lost 10 lbs. I finally decorated my "new" apartment so that it no longer looks like I'm squatting. I joined a kickball league and started going out to social events.
WW has noticed. Like a child, I find her trying to get my attention. She texts me to let me know she's out drinking (Prior to D-Day she was strongly against it). She went to NY which was one of my no-nos on "the list" since one of the OM lives there. She texted me pictures while she was there. And the last two times I've seen her, she's given me long awkward hugs and paused like she was waiting for a kiss. After one, she started tearing up. I pretended not to notice.
I'm not "over" everything. I still get upset from time to time when I think about how our marriage ended. I deserved better. She was selfish and she split up our family, which was something we both said we'd never do because our own childhoods. Now that the fog is over I recognize just how lopsided our marriage was, and how I was willing to stay in that forever. I look forward to starting over and I feel like, if anything, now I know what to watch out for the next go round.
