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Journaling my Infidelity

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toasted22 posted 4/30/2013 05:14 AM

So I am now journaling my infidelity. I am going through everything I have done. Going through timeline, through books I have read about infidelity, trying to make sense of it.

It is helping me to remember stuff, bad stuff, horrible stuff. Stuff that makes me feel sick that I allowed/ invited to happen.

I am sharing this journal with BS. In a way it is good for me, being able to unpackage it all. Facing it, accepting what I have done. Breaking over it.

I think it is helping BS. Raises more questions for her which I try to answer.

It feels like my thinking was so warped and screwed. BS showed me a section in a journal I wrote 7 months ago. It was still some warped thinking. I have changed since then but she still wonders if I still think one way but tell her another.

I don't know how to convince her that I changed and chaning. She acknowledges that I am transitioning from the mess i was in. Its been a long haul of living the brainwashed existence I had.

In my journal I write about all the experiences I had. Awful.

How can I convince my BS that I am still worthy of the fight for our marriage. She has suffered so much, I have destroyed her and fully understand her rational for questioning why she is still with me.

Thanks for being there.

authenticnow posted 4/30/2013 05:16 AM

How can I convince my BS that I am still worthy of the fight for our marriage.
It's not an instant event. It's a process.

Keep doing what you're doing.

toasted22 posted 5/1/2013 21:20 PM

So has anyone else journaled their infidelity as a way of process and exploration? Any advice, ideas to share?

Steppenwolf posted 5/1/2013 22:42 PM

Directly after my BS's final discovery of my TT, I wrote down everything I ever lied to her about, relative or not. I think this journal idea is a great one. I'm sure it helps you initiate conversations around the A which is something I am just horrible with.
It can be hard to accept who we are and what we have done. But I think it's the only way to rid yourself of wayward thinking.

toasted22 posted 5/1/2013 23:51 PM

Yes, I think it is helping. I like to write and try and gather my thoughts and dig deep. So I write about what happened, possible reasons, what was going on etc

Then my BS reads and often challenges me hard out about some of what I have written which is what I need if I am going to be truly honest with myself and her.

We have just done this and it was tough but good. Some good hard questions were asked and I will try and answer them as best I can to her.

It just feels that when I write I feel a little safer to personally explore without necessarily get the anger (appropriate) and emotions that panic and shut me down.

It also sends a message that I am prepared to do the work. Its written down.

I can also reflect on questions etc with my IC and my BS with her IC.

After the last read/ talk I listened, wrote the questions down. I then thanked my BS for being tough with me and that I needed to be challenged.

I love her, but she doesn't like me at the moment which is totally understandable and something I hope to regain.

badchoice posted 5/1/2013 23:58 PM

Journaling has not only helped me pick through the A, but also my FOO issues.

I bring my journal into IC too, and sometimes read what I wrote, or use it to take notes, or list items I want to discuss.

M IC is also interested in any dreams I have, so that too goes in there.

At one point, I made time to journal every morning and evening, and it was great. I set alarms to remind me, but I have gotten out of that habit.

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