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MC vs IC

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HeartbrokenMomTx posted 4/30/2013 06:45 AM

Hi all,
For those of you who have had MC, how long after D-day, did you start? My husband and I have been going to IC to the same counselor. I have told my husband that I would like to do MC together, as well as IC, but he doesn't want to. He says " I don't think we are at that point yet."
WTH is that supposed to mean? I feel like I'm going to the counselor and bitching about him, and he's going to the counselor to bitch about me I'm sure. How is that helpful? I think we both need to be sitting there together so we can hear what each other has to say.
I've also told him in order for us to continue in this marriage that he needs to take a lie detector test, but he refuses.
I just don't know where to go from here.

daledge posted 4/30/2013 07:47 AM

You both need an outlet so IC is a good thing. BUT I think you each need your own counselor.

We went to MC a few weeks after Dday. At first my husband lied.
But then the affair came out.
The MC was great and really read him the riot act.

That's my experience. Everyone has different needs.

Skan posted 4/30/2013 12:32 PM

We went simultaneously. Both of us to separate IC and then to a joint MC. I consider our MC to have been our marriages savior. He helped us tremendiously. That being said, I had a FWH that wanted to do everything in his power to R. Perhaps your WH is afraid that a MC will, righteously, hold him accountable for his A.

I would be inclined to give a bit and wait another month or so for the MC. But if he hasn't given the full truth, then I would not budge on the lie detector test.

wanttogoforward posted 4/30/2013 16:19 PM

My worry is when he says he doesn't think you are ready for MC yet.... here are my thoughts... Are you both consistently going to IC... for how long? Do you think he says that because he is trying to make progress on himself FIRST OR do you feel he is putting it off because he doesn't want to own up to what he has done? Is he putting off the hard work? Or is he doing hard work on himself first.... IF he is working hard on himself.... then putting off MC for a bit might not be terrible... however, I feel you can do both at the same time... I/ we did.
Refusing the lie detector is a huge red flag to me.... I feel like maybe he doesn't want to own up to what he has done. I get the feeling you are indicating that and simply don't want to face what he is "saying" in not so many words... sometimes it is easier as the BS to hide... I've done that... and I'm sorry I did.
Since you are seeing the same IC ask her... where do you see me going from here if he refuses MC? What steps can I take to heal without his help? Ask the IC what a spouses refusal to go to MC at this point would indicate?
The IC may tell you without breaking confidentiality generically what the chances are for you since they are seeing both of you... if he is indicating he is not owning up to this person while in IC they might tell you that chances are not good for what you are wanting... and that would be your answer. It may be an answer you don't want to hear.

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