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Why do I want him?

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savvy posted 4/30/2013 06:55 AM

I am a bit uncomfortable saying this but want to know if its normal. I really want my Wh to come Home and make love to me. Why would I want that ? I don't understand why I'm doing this. It doesn't help that I am taking a medical terminology class right now and of course this week we are covering the reproductive system. Talk about timing. This ride sucks I want off!!!

allatsea posted 4/30/2013 08:34 AM

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. Don't act on it though! Worst thing you could do. You will end up hurting yourself more whilst allowing WH to eat cake. You will regret it. You may even find that you feel differently tomorrow. It's part of this wonderful rollercoaster we're on.

I want my WW to come back to me. I miss her affection, her body, her love, our sex and our family. It is only natural that you want this. Asking him to make love to you will not get the result you are looking for.

Gently: Just remember that he is being intimate with someone else right now. You would only be suffering mind movies during the act


tushnurse posted 4/30/2013 08:49 AM

Excellent advice All.

If you are feeling like you want his love and support, remember, it hasn't meant the same thing to him as it does you.
On the other hand, if you are feeling deprived sexually, go get yourself a new toy, and have some fun alone. No shame in that.

Pass posted 4/30/2013 08:55 AM

Hey savvy,

This is totally normal. I've just started reading "Getting Past Your Breakup", and this issue is addressed early in the book.

I wanted the same thing from my wife and so far, this book is totally speaking to me. I highly recommend it!

why2008 posted 4/30/2013 09:07 AM

It's totally normal. I think it's just a primal need to want to feel wanted in a physical sense after a betrayal.

jjct posted 4/30/2013 09:27 AM

With all due deferens,
affairs are seminal moments in our lives.
Perhaploid, this could be one of life's great testes.
On the other gland,
tunica round.
Love yourself.
Don't want any more drama lumen over your head.

idiot85 posted 4/30/2013 09:43 AM

Why would I want that ?

-Because you're a normal human being BUT don't act on it. You will feel a world of shit afterwards and quite probably during!!

1Faith posted 4/30/2013 10:11 AM

You are hurting and you want to feel normal. You want your old life back.

You want the person you once gave your love to - to love you back.

Your thoughts of connecting through love gives you an imagine that all can be okay.

This will NOT be the case especially if he has not given up contact with the OW or has not asked to come home and make things right.

You will feel worse in the end because you compromised what little self confindence you are able to hang on to right now.

PLEASE know all of this is very NORMAL. Up and down will go the emotions on this roller coaster ride.

Be kind to yourself and be strong. You deserve better.


savvy posted 4/30/2013 10:26 AM

Thank you all for making me feel like Its normal. I wouldn't act on it though! He probably wouldn't anyway. Last time we did make love he couldn't perform and that's probably all he remembers. And none of the good times. I sure he has no problem with his young skinny skank I think I just miss the comfort of knowing (or thinking) someone loved me. Will this pain ever go away? I want to crawl in a hole

[This message edited by savvy at 10:28 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

idiot85 posted 4/30/2013 10:33 AM

It will fade, fade and fade for sure. Just look at New Beginnings and Divorce/Separation. I'm reconciling but I look in there and I feel better!!

Incidentally me and 1Faith have the same strapline haha

Savvy- You know what helps me, just keeping my sense of humour. I think I'd die without it.

1Faith posted 5/1/2013 15:00 PM


I know the feeling of wanting to crawl in a hole, to run away, to disappear.

I do. We do.

I hate this for you. But you have to go through it - hence my tag and idiots tag line.

Keep going the best you can. Don't get stuck in hell. One day, one step at a time.

There were/are times I am hopeful, sad, pissed and furious all within a 2 minute time span. What I am finding is this is normal. We were violated. We are recovering. We do not have to justify why we feel what we feel after being assaulted (emotionally).

The roller coaster sucks. It does but you have a whole group of people to help you through.

Please seek an IC. You need you time.


Ashland13 posted 5/1/2013 20:19 PM

I notice a lot about this subject on SI lately and I've felt it too, at times.

But as a pregnant person whose getting a divorce (how's that for a status?), I really, really advise against it.

All good posts.

I will try to be short (lol) and say that one thing that helps me if these feelings crop us is to remember the reason he's not here-where he really is and what he's been doing while I and DD suffer.

It really helps diffuse the physical feelings, which I've come to think of as "natural." In general I think of STBXH as disgusting now and it took a long time to get there...I hope you will too, Saavy.

When I saw STBXH recently and realized I wasn't really attracted to him anymore, I had a lightbulb. It was kind of shocking. I wondered, am I having these feelings that are "natural" because I'm human and they are part of that, but are they directed at him because he's what I remember and I'm still M to him? Rather than actual feelings of desiring him?

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