I am a FWW, had a 6 year LTA, D Day was November of 2009. My complete story is in my profile.
My BH and I are in R. I know he is depressed and angry. I used to think he was more angry then depressed, but now I am not so sure anymore. He is not very proactive in our R. He has rewritten our Pre A M to be all roses. He tells me I am too sensitive and that I am the one with the problem, that he is who he is and he is not going to change. I do realize that I have my issues and am working though them in IC as well as MC when he will go with me. I have read the books and gotten SO much help here on SI. The different points of view have made so many aspects of infidelity so much clearer. I have joined the LTA forum, eventhough I am the WW because those wonderful people give me insight into what my BH is going through. But now it is obvious to me that my BH is stuck, stuck in anger and surrounded by depression. I cannot help him anymore. I talk to him, I hold him when he cries, I tell him what he is feeling is normal after what I have done. I try to share stories with him from SI. I have sent messages to other BH to get their input and advice. I feel so frustrated, sad and I am hurting.
I walk around on eggshells, trying to figure out my BH’s needs and wants. We had a huge talk last week. He brought up his questions about the A again. I answered them, but he gets more and more angry. My BH is one to “get excited” easily in most things in our lives, with our kids or other things in our M. So when his anger flares up about the A it makes me feel paralyzed and I don’t know how to respond. I have worked on confronting my feelings and telling him when he does things that upset me, because I used to avoid. That makes him get more upset. After our talk I told him through my tears that I know it is over for him and he doesn’t love me anymore because I feel it. I feel it every day more and more. He starts to cry, I hold him and he tells me that he loves me, that he always will and no one else will make him happy like I do/did. So why do I walk around almost every day feeling like I annoy him. The presence of me annoys him. He tries to mask it, but it is there. After our huge talk we had one good day and then he is “gone” again. He has been gone for four days again. He tells me it is not about the A anymore. I don’t know how to help him. Is it normal for me to feel that I annoy him, that I will never be good enough in his eyes. That is how I felt before the A, he is a very critical person. I have since learned that I am good enough for myself (on most days) and I am happy with who I am, not what I did (that disgusts me, and I am trying to forgive myself, that I am finding impossible). But if I felt not good enough for him before, how will that ever change now, especially with his depression and rage?
Thanks for listening.