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WeepingBuddhist posted 4/30/2013 11:14 AM

Looks as though I'm a member of club I'd rather not join. My D Day was Saturday. It came a month after we had "reconciled". In February, after a few bruising months, my husband of 16 years told me (after I asked) that he no, in fact, he didn't want to be married. He wanted to live alone: he moved into the guest room and started making plans to move out. The next six weeks we were cordial. He seemed happier than he had been in months; I was devastated but got my shit together and started planning a different life. In March, we had to put down one of our cats. It was wrenching and we held each other for hours. I got up before he woke up and left and we continued our separate lives. Another two weeks pass and while I out of town, he texted that he won't be able to move out as planned. I responded that I was truly sorry he wasn't going to be able to do what he had planned and that I wanted him to be happy whether we were married or not. During the "sorta" separation, even though I was grieving, I felt gratitude he wasn't dead (how I assumed our marriage would end) and for the many other positive things I had in my life. When I got back home, he asked if he could stay and said he wanted the marriage to work and that he was sorry for hurting me. He had starting therapy. I said sure, wondering if I was being stupid for letting him back into my heart or thinking of the future and wondering how long I could live with him before I wanted to move out. The next month was AMAZING. He was kind and loving, patient and thoughtful. Then on Sunday, I read an email to a friend in which he details his happiness and his gratitude for his wife, friends, his life. I learned that he had spent the last three months in a mostly emotional but definitely at times physical affair. and then in another email to someone else, found out that she had dumped him! When he got home Sunday, I confronted him. He was immediately remorseful, told me anything I asked (except the being dumped part--I didn't mention that and neither did he). We spent the day together yesterday and it was, like the last month, better than any time we have spent in months. He's agreed to NC (see people do read the FAQs) and has given me access to his bank accounts and agreed to STD testing. I'm still figuring out what I am feeling, if that makes sense, and I would appreciate insight, opinions, and thoughts.

Tred posted 4/30/2013 11:17 AM

Sorry that you had to find this site, but welcome. My only question is how do you feel being Plan B? Will the fact that he is using you as a backup plan now that he was dumped by the OW complicate R for you?

atsenaotie posted 4/30/2013 11:34 AM

Hi WeepingBuddhist,

So sorry you have a reason to be here, but glad that you found SI.

you will get a lot of good advice here, it can be like trying to drink from a fire hydrant at first, so give yourself time to absorb it. The Healing Library (in upper left corner yellow box) is a good start for resources. The books Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines are often recomended. Maybe you and your WS can read and discuss them together.

It is nice that he is being transparent and open now that OW has dumped him. There is more work for him to do though. What happens the next time that feels unloved or does not want to be M? Why did he look to OW for what he needed?

I felt a lot of things after dday, and being a man it took me some time and IC to figure it out. One of the first things that I felt was responsible. I now know that was not the case. My FWW's A was about her and her issues. It had nothing to do with me, and your WS's A had nothign to do with you.

Best Wishes, and keep posting.


OneFootForward posted 4/30/2013 11:36 AM

I don't know if I have any authority to reply. I just found out about A weeks ago. The problem I am having revolves around is her need actual, emotional, financial? She now realizes the Om just wanted to get into her pants. He has cut everything off and she is now, completely, alone. I have no doubt she is grieving for the pain I am in and she is ashamed of what she has done... but is it true?

Truth is the biggie. Without it we are trying to build our lives on sand, without stability. My spouse has taken almost every last inch of me with the A. I hold onto one small inch, in that inch you will find me screaming for the truth.

I don't think I have an answer for you. In the Army, they always said if you don't have a solution keep you mouth shut. I am not in the Army and if you are hurting like I am, then maybe we have more in common that either of us would readily admit. I want to give you a line from a very good book, even if you don't think it would be one. I hope it helps, even if just a little and even if only for a moment.

"An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you."
-- V for Vendetta

WeepingBuddhist posted 4/30/2013 12:35 PM

I didn't know about the over for a month A until Saturday but yeah, I am still "plan B". I don't know how I feel about that, but I know that the way things are now is about a million times better than six months ago and the three most recent when he was with the OW. Without knowing he was a WS, I still knew that he had been unhappy. When he said he wanted to move out, I didn't think it was about me (and I don't think the affair was either).

Painfool posted 4/30/2013 13:56 PM

Welcome, but sorry you have to be here WeepingBuddhist.

I'm not too sure what it is you're after exactly, especially as you've clearly been reading the healing library.

I would also have suggested therapy (IC) and possibly MC down the line, but it seems your WH is already doing that. I suppose I would say to prepare yourself for a tough, bumpy ride, and to expect a whole rollercoaster of emotions...

It makes absolute sense to me that you're trying to figure out how you feel. I was so unsure about things for so long, and I'm sure from simply reading through the posts here you'll see many of us going through all sorts of different thought processes and feeling so many different things. For weeks after my D-day I struggled to think straight at all, and couldn't even make simplest of decisions (like what to drink for example).

So my advice would be to take it slow, go easy on yourself, and take care of you. I would also suggest IC for you too (though I am biased here!) as this could really help you work through what you're thinking and help with gaining clarity at the very least. Take care WB.

WeepingBuddhist posted 4/30/2013 15:19 PM

I guess that so far, no one has said, OMG, I can't believe you would even consider staying has been helpful. I'm also finding that no matter how fucked up this situation feels, there are likely many many people who do not have nearly the advantages I have. Gratitude is a hell of drug.

atsenaotie, you bring up a really good point about what will happen in the future when he is depressed and has no self-worth. If we stay together, that is certainly something to spend some time considering.

OneFoot, it does.

Skan posted 4/30/2013 15:22 PM

Hey there. It's nice that he's doing all of these regreatful things right now. But that's all it is, nice. Like have a nice day. Or "that's nice."

Fact is, he was leaving you. He had, mentally and physically, left the marriage. You were being left behind in his selfish wake. And then he got dumped by his Light-o-Lurve. And some sort of light went off in his head that he had a pretty good thing back at "home" so maybe he better slink back there and ask to be taken back. And put out that he was SO remorseful, and here's all of my contact info, but I'll just keep one little thing back from you.

Thats really not a pretty picture, is it....

Fact is, he screwed you over literally. And if he doesn't do the very hard work of figuring out what broken part of him told him that this was OK, he's likely to do that again when things get rough, he gets bored, or gets itchy feet.

Please watch his actions, and don't listen to his words. Words are cheap. Actions speak far louder. And come back often for support. It sounds to me like you're still in shock. At some point, you're going to come out of that and start on a rollercoaster ride from hell, emotion wise. That's normal. Just be prepared. (((hugs)))

refuz2bavictim posted 4/30/2013 15:57 PM

I'm still figuring out what I am feeling

You will be doing that for some time to come. Make sure that while you process all of this, that you make your own healing a priority. Hold him accountable. Keep in mind that the he kept the truth from you, and didn't offer it up to you as you deserved. He will need to be honest, without having to be "caught". That means there may be information to share that has not been revealed. Lying by omission, is still lying.

Any partnership/Marriage is only as strong as it's weakest link. He has A LOT and I mean A LOT of work to do to become a healthy, honest person with healthy boundaries, who lives up to his commitments. This initial burst of regret and transparency will need to continue over the long haul...not just while things "feel" good. The relationship needs 2 people willing to do the heavy lifting, even when things don't feel fun, exciting or validating. He was not tending to the relationship, but secretly creating a relationship outside of it. He has much to work on, and it's going to be completely on him to work that out.

As has been the actions....the words can not be trusted at this point.

R is very possible when both parties are committed to making themselves healthy as individuals, who are then able protect and nurture the relationship.

I am sad you that have found yourself in this situation, but since you are here among us....Welcome! I wish you much peace and healing on your journey.

wanttogoforward posted 4/30/2013 16:03 PM

Been where you are... except I had no proof that time was an A.... there were all the signs and the name drop of a girl.... and he ended up losing his job... but no proof.But he did the SAME thing.... told me he wanted out... stayed in the house for weeks and weeks... then finally did move out for a couple of weeks before he wanted to work it out... but I was truly blindsided and had no idea why he wanted out at the time. Just suspicions....

At least you now know what has occurred.... what you do with that info is up to you... how he deals with your healing will determine if the relationship will eventually make it. You sound very forgiving at this point. Please do not rug sweep what is happening... I did a lot as I was just so happy he was home again and wanted to have a relationship again.
And then he had (what I have proof of) an EA... thought we were solid... guess I was wrong...
HE needs to decide how much work he wants to put in to repair the damage. It's not just a marriage issue now, because he cheated... it's bigger and will take more time and effort. YOU also need to decide... since he has cheated do you want to save the M? Are you willing to put in the work also? Take some time to decide- he gets no such luxury as time since he has had more time than you to process....
I would have a billion questions.... and want answers... but we are each individual. I wish I had gotten more answers to my questions in the past... please do what you need to do for you and not put it off! I regret putting off what should have been dealt with years ago.

Safeguard posted 4/30/2013 16:24 PM


If neither of you mentioned how his A, ended, how did he SAY it ended,(if he did). I ask because that's a big omission. If she ended it, could she also *Un* end it?
I would question his commitment to R based on the fact that he not being entirely truthful with you now.

Having said that,there is of course,a good possibility that you may R successfully.
and come out of this...
"Stronger In The Broken Places."

[This message edited by Safeguard at 4:30 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 5/1/2013 07:36 AM

We went to MC briefly two years ago, but he stopped going. I continue to see the therapist and won't make any decisions at least until I can see her again. He was supposed to get STD testing info yesterday but did not so this R discussion may be a moot point. I know what his day was like, so it's 50-50 he really didn't have time. I'll see what the evening brings.

His behavior when I confronted him about the A was the only reason he is still in our house. His behavior was so different than I expected: he wasn't defensive or angry (his typical modes of dealing with ANYTHING). I was astounded and said so. He said that he's not behaving in the same ways as in the past because he's not the same (right, you're a liar, not just an asshole didn't seem like a response that would move the discussion forward)

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