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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Almost six years here and.....
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The amount of information and support here is staggering. The people here are some of the most intelligent and selfless people I have seen or read about.
In my time here I have learned the value of opinions. The way one sees infidelity and the dynamics that lead to it can go through some different avenues.
That being said there will always be two outcomes to infidelity, either you will reconcile or you will part ways. How you get there will depend upon the efforts of both spouses.
For the BS, learning that your spouse was capable of such deception or even being fully aware of their ability to betray you will still be devastating.
It will be a journey of nearly endless questionings, feelings of worthlessness and "what did I do wrong?"
"How could you do this to me/us/children/?"
Also the feelings of despair and loneliness for the BS.
Those questions will not be answered immediately, maybe in some cases they will, but some take a lot of soul searching for both the BS and WS.
The remorseful WS and even the not so remorseful WS is left with the mountain of guilt, shame, embarrassment and self-loathing to climb.
They ask themselves "Why did I do this and how can they even look at me or even stay with me?"

I have seen the not so remorseful WS's come here and get whacked with some very well placed 2x4's and slowly but surely come around.
I have seen them get whacked and never come back.
I watched how the reconciling BS's coach the newly betrayed into confidence and reassurance. I witness how they put "air" back into the vacuum that the betrayers took from them.

I have watched how many Wayward veterans use their wisdom and intellect to place a WS back on course.
There is always hope and even if the marriage or relationship doesn't survive..the tools you gain here will help you should you ever get into another relationship.

Infidelity is not an invincible monster that cannot be slain. It is a mountain that requires skillful climbing. There will be a lot of cuts and bruises while you are climbing. There will be some times when you slip and fall back a few feet.

However, as long as you stay anchored, get another grip and keep pulling yourself up, eventually the mountain will be compromised.
For the WS..take ownership of what you did. Even if your BS was a mean and selfish person..the decision to stray will always rest on you/us. No one can make you betray them..it is a decision/choice or even some would like to call it a mistake..that you/us willed to do. Whatever it is called..it is something that we as WS's own.
Almost six years and I have seen a bevy of reconciliations, separations and divorces. Even new beginnings.
I just wanted to say that I have been honored to be a part of this wonderful community. Sad that it had to be here, but great that it is for those who need it.
Cheers everyone...
FRM


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FRM.
I recall that you whacked my FWW with some pretty good 2x4's. She doesn't post here anymore, but she still appreciates your input...as do I.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post, FRM, filled with truth and wisdom.

You have helped me understand the wayward thinking and I really appreciate all of your posts.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10101 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sportsfan
♂ 9918
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said, floridaredman ... very well said. Glad you're still here!

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
HFSSC
♀ 33338
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for a beautiful, insightful post. I'm another BS whose WS (JMSSC) was helped IMMENSELY by your wisdom and well timed 2X4's.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2938 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
stilllovinghim
♀ 29971
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FRM, thanks for reminding *me* that you're still out there floating around reading over the boards. Its a nice reassurance.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone..It has been your collective wisdom that has been an inspiration for me.
EGADS!..did I really smack so many people with 2x4's?

SLH..I'm always hovering around..lol.
The mods can tell you


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
JKL Vikings
♂ 32094
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said FRM,
Cheers to you as well from TX


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 532 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
SandAway
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always good to see you post FRM, you are a wise one that tells it like it is - usually without fluff.

I think this is the first time I have seen you start a post in the 1.5 years I have been here and it speaks the truth.

as long as you stay anchored, get another grip and keep pulling yourself up, eventually the mountain will be compromised.

choo choo


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FM...

It's always great to see you!!! You are such an important piece to the SI community


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199219 | Registered: May 2002
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FRM - the one who could make me cry at the drop of a hat. Good to see you.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6042 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ 29447
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FRM,
I remember when you thought it was time to part ways with SI. I am so glad that you didn't!

Your words if wisdom have been invaluable to me. You can always tell that you are coming from a point of view of caring, even in the form of a 2x4!

Thanks for all that you have contributed to this site.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 802 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
thecaves
♂ 38062
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much for taking the time to post this.

The people here are some of the most intelligent and selfless people I have seen or read about.

You sir are clearly one of the most selfless ones here, to keep coming back after all this time to share messages like this is truly amazing.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jan 2013
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post FRM


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wonderboy..I was pretty hard on JNRPA, I'm pretty sure she probably wanted to make a voodoo doll and torture me..lol. It was out of care and hoping she could see through the fog. I am so glad that she was able to with the help of this site and I am humbled to be a part of that.

Sistermilkshake.. I always like to read your words and posts. They have life and wisdom in them.

sportsfan.. I admire how you have a no nonsense approach to helping the BS get their footing back by telling them to stand up for themselves and don't take any WS fogged babblings and blame shiftings.

HFSSC...I was glad to help..always am.

Jrazz back at ya

JKL Vikings...*tink* Cheers from the not so Sunny state of Florida right now

SandAway.. I have been kind of busy and not posting topics, but I would post every now and again to random threads.
I'm always lurking and looking.

choo chooo

DS....I remember you scolding me when I posted in JFO and I'm not allowed to. As you can see..here it is years later and I never did it again... I was like Whewwww..I'm not messing with that lady..
But I know that you have great care for everyone on this site and we are fortunate to have this place that you and MH have created. Thank you a million for that

MissesJai..It was never my intention to make you cry. I was humbled that you were touched. You and INAB are great inspirations to this site. No more crying just smiles please

WalkinOnEggshelz..

I admire and am impressed in how great of a role model you have become to FWW's. You own your poop and make people realize they have to own theirs too if they want a good reconciliation. I always like how you reference how the fog had you and how you came out of it. Great inspiration.

thecaves...

Thank you so much for that. Others here have helped me as well by being selfless..always good to keep paying it forward

wifehad5...

Great post FRM

You don't know how much that means to me coming from you

Thanks everyone..yall are making me blush and that's hard to do


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, FRM. I also know that those tears came because your words opened the floodgates. You said what I needed to hear. You forced me to look at things differently. In short, you touched a nerve and in doing so, helped me save myself. I have the utmost respect for you.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6042 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, FRM. I also know that those tears came because your words opened the floodgates. You said what I needed to hear. You forced me to look at things differently. In short, you touched a nerve and in doing so, helped me save myself. I have the utmost respect for you.

Now you almost made me cry...


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all you have done here, FRM, and for sticking around to continue helping in a way that only you do!

LD and I joined a few months after you did and I have found such inspiration in your posts along the way, and still do.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38996 | Registered: Sep 2007
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've swung 2x4s directly and indirectly at me on several occasions and they have always been dead on accurate. As bad as they hurt, thanks.

Your wisdom, kindness, and approach have helped countless here. Thank you for continuing to come back and contribute to those at SI who have needed it.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
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