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LearningToFly posted 4/30/2013 12:24 PM

Its been a almost 2 months since I found out about WH affair. Its been a month since they had contact that I am aware of.

I feel like my heart is broken into a million pieces. Its been so long since he has been completely gone from me in his heart. Life has been one crisis after another and I have had to keep on going even when I felt the distance between us. I brought it up a lot but he would just get angry and defensive. Now I know why.

Our kids have so many problems. A counselor yesterday asked me if I felt that our marriage had anything to do with them falling apart. They were on track up until 5 years ago. This is when we started marriage counseling and my husband started feeling like he wanted a divorce.

To me he was being asked to change and he didn't want to. He said he was trying but nothing stuck. Divorce may have been like a fantasy out for him.

When our kids got into drugs, I discovered it and he didn't want to believe me. I felt like a lawyer showing him evidence. He avoids confrontation so it overwhelmed him. Then our daughter went over the handlebars of her bike and now the brain damage makes it almost impossible for her to control stress. She cannot work or go to school. She can barely go anywhere. She is suicidal constantly. Our son is in and out of juvenile hall. He is expelled from the high school and goes to a community school for kids on probation. He hates it and fights it. Our other daughter is showing signs of wear emotionally with all that has happened. She throws fits and gets involved way too much when my husband and I are "discussing" things. (We try not to when the kids are around but they come home or come downstairs and instead of just leaving, she gets involved.)

I have tried to just DO. When every crisis comes up, I try to face it, figure out what to do and DO it. My husband will DO with me. Usually I have to come up with the plan. He helps to implement it though. We have been told we work well together in what our kids need. We are also told that we need to be on the same page. My husband is very enabling and permissive to our kids.

Since finding out about my husbands affair these are the things that have happened:

Daughter 1 has had to be driven to and back from the Mental Hospital twice. Its a 3 hour drive. My husband and I both took her. She has stayed several days each time.

My son was involved with a bunch of drugs and spent 28 days in juvenile hall. (I found out about the affair while he was in juvenile hall)

My daughter 2 had a closet full of empty and full beer bottles, pot, and cough syrup to abuse. I searched her room before son came home and found it. She was angry and told me "Dad said he would never search my room"

We went to the two week long trial of the drunk driver who killed my brother and nephew.

My daughter was suicidal again last night. There is a good possibility that we will be driving her to the hospital again tonight.

In the midst of all of this, WH isn't putting much effort out to reassure me that he loves me or wants our marriage to work. When we talk, he continues to be defensive and I am amazed at how he receives my words. Its like he just can't hear what I am trying to say.

I am wondering how in the world we can even work to save this marriage with all the extra stress. We are going to have to deal with the kids and their problems for a long time to come. We do that. But, we both want more. (Obviously he does because he went and got it from someone else).

I am also wanting to learn to take care of myself. It just doesn't seem possible with kids with such desperate needs. Where do I even start?

CheaterMagnet posted 4/30/2013 12:31 PM

Oh my gosh! I just want to wrap you up in a HUGE hug. You have so much on your plate. Any one of those things would be enough but to have all of them is just horrific.

I've dealt with a suicidal kid and there is nothing worse than not knowing if they are going to be successful this time.

All I can say to you is just try to take this second by second. Try to take 10 minutes a day to just breathe and be still. Sip water throughout the day. Drink ensure or soup when you can't eat. The most important thing you can do is keep healthy.

Come here and post often. Even if it is just "stream of consciousness" type stuff. Just get it out.

We are here. I wish I had better advice, but know that you are heard and loved.

hopefulmother posted 4/30/2013 12:35 PM

So very sorry that you are here, but it is a wonderful and encouraging place to find some peace and hope. I can't imagine what you are going through. It is hard enough to deal with an A, yet have family issues on top of that. How do you kids feel about divorce? Has things been dysfunctional in front of them for a long time? Perhaps that is why they are having difficulty. Especially with death in the family. My little sister died at 17 and it took a huge toll on me and my siblings. They are at the age where you and your H could split and work on yourselves. Why is your daughter suicidal if you don't mind me asking. (that is how my 17yr old died-I found her)
It sounds like you are a good, strong mom. You are willing to do what needs to be done to raise responsible adults. Your H sounds like he is more worried about being their best friend.

TrustGone posted 4/30/2013 12:39 PM

Oh sweetie. You have so much going on. I would be a mess too.(((HUGS))) You can only take one day at a time and one step at a time. Are you in IC? It seems like you need a break from all the stress you are under. It is horrible enough to try to deal with an affair without having kids with so many problems. I know it feels like it will be like this forever, but it won't. This is just a really bad time in your life right now and it will get better. You only have control over yourself. Keep telling yourself that. You can not fix your children or your husband. They have to do that on their own. IC would be very good becuase the councelor can help you put things into better perspective and give you ways to deal with all the issues you are facing. I wish I could just give you a huge hug IRL.

newlysingle posted 4/30/2013 12:58 PM

(((LearningToFly)))

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I can't even imagine the stress you are under right now. Please do what you can to take care of yourself too. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Butterfly24 posted 4/30/2013 15:05 PM

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I understand more than I would like to.

I also have a son who is at times suicidal, he is also a drug addict. He is in rehab now for the third time. In the last few months he has been in 2 psych wards, rehab and a sober living home. The last time he attempted suicide he came closer than ever before at succeding. He was in ICU for a few days. He left there and spent 5 days in a psych ward and from there to rehab. He was arrested in rehab for stealing cough syrup and spent 3 weeks in jail. It's a vicious cycle.

I found out during all of this that I have herpes because my husband cheated on me with a prostitute.

I asked him if he felt I didn't have enough to deal with that he had to make it worse.

Hang in there. I really have no advice for you because I don't know which way to turn myself. Hugs

LearningToFly posted 4/30/2013 16:57 PM

Our kids were doing well up until about 5 years ago. They had struggles but mostly successes. We both loved our kids very much. They were top priority.

I learned early in our marriage, my husband did not value me much, then 5 years ago I found out that I was going blind. There were a few months of tests. I got a call and was told that I had a brain tumor and needed to go talk to a surgeon. I called my husband and he said thanks for calling, I hope it all goes well. I hung up and cried. I didn't know how I was going to go by myself to talk about this. It ended up that I called his work back and asked the secretary if she could find someone to take his place. He ended up going with me but it hurt me that I wasn't even on his radar even when I had a BRAIN TUMOR! Thats what sent us to marriage counseling and I guess what sent him to begin to think about escape/divorce.

Since that time, our relationship hasn't been pleasant. He didn't/doesn't follow through on the assignments given to him. We fought a lot. Me with words, him with withdrawal. If you have heard of love languages, he is an affirmation guy and I am a quality time girl. So there is no love.

Our kids all got into drugs at the same time about three years ago. Since then it has been one thing after another. Police, hospitalization, bills, sleepless nights, calls from school, expulsion, stress stress stress.

I think my husband just can't handle these things. He pretends they aren't happening. That leaves me to deal with it all and I am stressed to the max. Then I am not the happy, sweet, gentle person he married. So he found some way to distract himself. Someone from the outside who had the time and energy to constantly praise him for the picture he painted of himself online.

Ap and WH were talking a lot about the future. It helped him to disengage from me. I resent him for deserting me when I was working so hard to save our kids. I don't appreciate the pictures he painted of me or the false ones he painted of himself. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't found out.

One daughter says "You both make each other miserable, get a divorce." The other says she is mad at me for not taking care of myself and allowing myself to be treated like s..... She says her dad isn't a lying cheat, he is a scared little boy. My son is busy with drugs and says whatever though he doesn't want his family to break up. He has been the quietest about this. He is still a minor.

I don't know how to add a divorce to the to do list. There is just so much.

Our daughter gets suicidal frequently. She is very artistically talented and intelligent. She longs to be independent. Since her TBI, she cannot control her thoughts or emotions. She can't work or go to school. Its a constant battle for her and she is drained. She sees no hope for her future. She sees a counselor and has even more therapy. She takes meds. Nothing seems to be helping and going back and forth to a hospital is putting a bandaid on a gaping wound.

Yesterday when our daughter called, I told my husband that because of what he did I am broken and he has to deal with getting her help this time. He was fine with that.

Then, I thought, its another escape for him. He will not be with me through the reconciliation or with the other kids. I was thinking today I would tell him that I would continue working to get help for my daughter and he would need to concentrate on supporting me emotionally. I don't think our marriage has a chance if he doesn't learn to do that. I am sure he cannot do both since he can barely even see the damage he has done to me.

I feel like I am in shock. Its surreal after all the strength and determination that has kept me going so far. This may have been the last straw. I am not sure if I am going to make it through all of this.