To WS, were you really in the moment with your BS? Or were those times of A's all lies??
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:28 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]
But you know what, they weren't a sham, not to me anyway. All those happy memories were really happy memories. It took a long time for me to let go of that pain that I felt when I looked at pictures, it took a long time for me to stop looking at the date on the photos and trying to figure out if it was during an A or not. It took a long time to accept that my H basically led two different lives, and they were both real and completely separate to him, yet only one was real to me. Those memories were all good memories for me at the time, so I reclaimed them as my good memories slowly but surely after DDay.
As for the WS being in the moment, of course they are. Many (if not all) WS compartmentalize so they CAN live two different lives at the same time. How could you not? So yes, the WS is very often totally there with the BS when they are there with the BS, and totally with the AP when they are with the AP. It's hard to wrap our brain around, but it does happen, and often.
It depends on the moment.
There were times when I was "fully present" in the M and with my H. (As fully present as one could be while deceiving another, I mean.) Those times were not fake, not forced, and time spent in genuine enjoyment with my spouse.
Then there were other times (some of which I remember with crystal clarity), that I was "with" my XH but not with him in the slightest, mentally or emotionally---such as how I would on occasion text the AP while I was right next to him (XH).
There were moments of each within the past.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
Recently, memories seem to be less painful. I find that focusing on a different aspect of the memory can take some of the sting away. For example, during our family vacation to Maui, instead of thinking about WH, I "zoom" in on the faces of my children when we were playing on the beach. Or when we were lounging on deck chairs, I recall the blue of the water, the whales in the distance and the swaying of the palm trees, instead of WH who was sitting beside me. If I can focus on something else, I can reclaim those memories. Obviously, this does not work for every memory but it allows me to enjoy certain memories.
I agree with doesitgetbetter's comments about the WH. WH swears that he was genuinely happy and in the moment, but I remain skeptical.