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User Topic: Past Memories with glittering lies. WS welcome.
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you all feel about the memories you shared with WS? I'm trying to seperate the lies with the real H, but it's hard. I feel all the moments and pictures we have are tainted with deceit and pain.

To WS, were you really in the moment with your BS? Or were those times of A's all lies??

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:28 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very painful in the beginning. I remember throwing away all of our couples ornaments that we had purchased for each of our Christmas's on DDay (DDay was 2 weeks before Christmas so the tree was already up). All those years were such a sham to me.

But you know what, they weren't a sham, not to me anyway. All those happy memories were really happy memories. It took a long time for me to let go of that pain that I felt when I looked at pictures, it took a long time for me to stop looking at the date on the photos and trying to figure out if it was during an A or not. It took a long time to accept that my H basically led two different lives, and they were both real and completely separate to him, yet only one was real to me. Those memories were all good memories for me at the time, so I reclaimed them as my good memories slowly but surely after DDay.

As for the WS being in the moment, of course they are. Many (if not all) WS compartmentalize so they CAN live two different lives at the same time. How could you not? So yes, the WS is very often totally there with the BS when they are there with the BS, and totally with the AP when they are with the AP. It's hard to wrap our brain around, but it does happen, and often.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still painful for me, most of the time.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16784 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Darkness Falls
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To WS, were you really in the moment with your BS? Or were those times of A's all lies??

It depends on the moment.

There were times when I was "fully present" in the M and with my H. (As fully present as one could be while deceiving another, I mean.) Those times were not fake, not forced, and time spent in genuine enjoyment with my spouse.

Then there were other times (some of which I remember with crystal clarity), that I was "with" my XH but not with him in the slightest, mentally or emotionally---such as how I would on occasion text the AP while I was right next to him (XH).

There were moments of each within the past.

WS, 5-month EA/PA '09-'10

Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH

1 1/2-year-old daughter and another baby girl on the way

Posts: 4490 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like you, I struggle with memories concerning vacations, holidays and just everyday recollections about my past with WH. As background, WH had a LTA (four years) with OW. Initially, it seemed that all of my memories had been touched, that nothing was what it really seemed.

Recently, memories seem to be less painful. I find that focusing on a different aspect of the memory can take some of the sting away. For example, during our family vacation to Maui, instead of thinking about WH, I "zoom" in on the faces of my children when we were playing on the beach. Or when we were lounging on deck chairs, I recall the blue of the water, the whales in the distance and the swaying of the palm trees, instead of WH who was sitting beside me. If I can focus on something else, I can reclaim those memories. Obviously, this does not work for every memory but it allows me to enjoy certain memories.

I agree with doesitgetbetter's comments about the WH. WH swears that he was genuinely happy and in the moment, but I remain skeptical.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 438 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first, I felt like all the moments and pictures were tainted. A lot of them still are. Has your WH provided you with a timeline? Having the timeline helped me choose which memories I wanted to remain as positive, and which ones I wanted to trash. Some folks on here prefer to mentally scrap all of their memories, and start anew. I didn't really view that as an option, since the A spanned our entire time together, so I have been going through the process of choosing which memories are "safe". It's entirely up to you, how you decide to heal and mentally process these memories.

Posts: 30659 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 38787
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank goodness I'm not the only one that feels this way. Me and my WH take cruise every year. I found out the he had oral sex from someone he hire off of Craigslist 2 weeks before our cruise then a week after. He was going for a third but I found the texted.
I Look at the pictures of him smiling and all I see is " if you only know what I'm doing behind your back after being together for 28 years". I can't even thing I can cruise again without triggers.

Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are one year out and I feel all of my memories during his 7 mo affair are tainted.he swears he didn't think of her and was really with me when we were together but I find this hard to believe when I know there were times he texted ap in front of me. I also know there were times we spent together after he had slept with her. He was not mentally with me during those times.

Posts: 318 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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