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I know I'm utterly ridiculous but I'm dreading IC. I cancelled Monday's and I'm so tempted to cancel tomorrow.

I think with everything I'm just super stressed out. I know it's all my own doing but, I'm stressed out and I don't want to go.

Please gather the strength to go. I know sometimes I dont want to go to MC but after I usually feel better. Chin up. It may help you with your stress. You owe it to yourself and your BS.

I know it' shard to go sometimes, but sometimes the thing you want to avoid the most, is the exact thing you need to do.

Hang in there, and good luck. You can do this.

I don't feel like I can go this week. I think I'll just start again next week. I know I need to go

I don't feel like I can go this week

why? Sienna, I can't help but feel like you are running from something. Not necessarily A related, just something that you really would rather not deal with - the potential outcome scares the shit out of you. I implore you to investigate further. For your own sake, do not cancel anymore IC appointments.

I know that I have skipped in the past because I just felt overwhelmed.

You know what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Take care of yourself, maybe do some journaling instead this week, and bring that in next week. Maybe discuss how you felt this week, and why you needed the space, in next weeks session.

ETA: Thinking about your original post some more...

You did ask for support in going, so maybe you really want to go, but are just really scared of stuff coming up. That is when you really need to go IMO.

[This message edited by badchoice at 2:35 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

I'm just full of stupid fucked up issues I'm a total fuck up in fact

Sometimes it's like exercise. Give yourself permission to not want to do it, and then do it anyway. But do it.

Sienna,

You can do this. Don't cancel.

Whenever I have wanted to avoid something and forced myself do do it anyway at the very least I gave myself credit for doing something I REALLY didn't want to do. That feels good.

Go to IC then give yourself a much deserved pat on the back for toughing it out.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 3:08 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

I'm just full of stupid fucked up issues I'm a total fuck up in fact

If you defeat yourself..how are you going to help yourself?

Calling yourself that is not going to get you anywhere but pity party city.

Where is that strength you said you made yourself have. The strength to face matters that are hard to face?

You and circumstances have helped you create the monster you don't want to face.

It is going to take you and help from someone that can assist you in finding the formula that made that monstrous side you don't like.

Don't run from healing..embrace it...This is for you..and this will help heal your family. Please go.

Gentle 2x4 here.

Go. What do you think that it says to your BH that you cancelled the first appointment? What do you think that cancelling the 2nd one will scream at him? So you're dreading it. Welcome to the after the A world. You're going to have to, absolutely have to do things that you dread, that make you filled with fear, that make you nauseated, and make you quake in your shoes. Repeat to yourself, I am doing this for my BH and more importantly, I am doing this for myself. Because that's the truth. If you don't get to the bottom of your issues, then you are going to find youself either repeating the same scenario with your BH, divorced, or repeating with another BH/BBF. Go!

Stepping off of my soapbox now. But seriously, go!

I can't say I felt the way you do. I wanted to go. It took several sessions to discuss/confront some very personal FOO issues but it has been well worth it. Therapists don't judge. They are there to help you and, as mine has told me on several occasions, they have heard it all before. Go. Go for yourself. Keep going. It really feels good when you make breakthroughs.

I don't feel sorry for myself I just don't know.

This isn't the first session I've been to a few.

I know I need to go but maybe not this week

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 4:33 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

I don't feel sorry for myself I just don't know.

How are you going to find out..if you don't know?

Sienna, I'm a BS. No stop sign, so I'll venture into the discussion and hope my comments aren't taken the wrong way, or violate any forum rules. Here goes:

You acknowledged 3 ONS's in a two week period. This would be considered destructive and self-defeating behavior by a single person, let alone a married woman with children.

You're a decent person or you wouldn't be on this site talking about your issues. This is helpful, but more is needed. Please go to IC. Not just for yourself, but for those who love and depend on you.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:49 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

I'm just full of stupid fucked up issues I'm a total fuck up in fact

this statement alone reads you are feeling sorry for yourself.

Maybe if I just carry on and talk to my H more I don't know I'm just stressed at the moment it might look different tomorrow

MissesJai you'll be right I'm sure but it doesn't feel that way honestly

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 5:02 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

If you continue to cancel on your IC, she will have to "fire you."

You realize that your cancellation prevents her from seeing other patients, and loses income?

Are you (subconsciously)deliberately sabotaging this?

I suppose I'm being selfish I never thought of it that way

I do want sort this out and I know I need to go but I struggle and I'm scared

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 5:55 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

I'm scared

of???