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Advice needed for upcoming conversation with wh

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hopeful18 posted 4/30/2013 16:22 PM

For those of you that have not read my recent posts a few weeks ago I discovered at ea and a separate pa after five years in R. So now we are trying to R again but this time differently. One problem last time us that wh has huge issues with not being mad at someone mad at him. So when I would get angry it would be a vicious cycle but of course he kept that to himself instead of discussing in mc. Now he realizes this and today the mc suggested we do two twenty min convos about A. Wh and I felt this is a good plan. I liked that wh brought this up as a flaw in himself that he needs and wants to fix. So my question is where do I start. Part of me feels like I am at a loss. Last time around I was not. I am thinking of asking for a timetable in the first convo. I don't know why this is so hard. It's like I just can't get into those convos again. I think I am scared to open my own wounds. I am still somewhat in shock. The strange part is that we are enjoying each other again for the first time in a while. Sexually and otherwise. Wh brought up that he is scared to lose that by convos. I am too. But this can't be swept under the rug. I am just so exhausted by it all. Any thoughts about where to begin? I have two twenty min convos this week in addition to our tues mc apts.

Knowing posted 4/30/2013 16:38 PM

I think the best place to start is by being sure to make I statements like "I feel...", "I see...", I want...", "I need...". And similarly using " We" statements instead of "You". It's a neutral communication style that goes a long way to making people feel safe during difficult conversations.

Will he be going to IC? Reading?

Theradin posted 4/30/2013 16:53 PM

I just want to throw this out there for you to think about. And maybe you have already, maybe not. But I feel I must mention in.

The first thing that stood out to me in your post is that you were making an excuse for why your WH cheated on you, YET AGAIN, after five (*5*) years of, what is now to be considered, false R.

Have you really searched within yourself to see if this is truly something you want to be in? Have you considered the affects on one's health associated with dealing with so much constant, chronic stress? Have you taken time to really think about what it is that is making you desire to still be with someone who can continue to emotionally abuse you and traumatize you? Lastly, you mentioned MC, but do you have an IC you can talk to without your WH there? A good IC will help you get to the bottom of what it is that is driving you to stay with him.

Regardless, you are MUCH more forgiving than I am, as well as a lot of BSs on here.

That being said, provided you really have dug deep into what it is you want, and you truly do believe in this guy, then more power to you. Just keep a bottom line and a list of requirements that must be met for R. I would demand MC & IC, at a minimum, as well as access to email, phone, and any accounts not jointly shared by the both of you. And of course, this goes without saying, but absolutely under no circumstance should there be ANY contact between your WH and his AP(s). 100% total NC.

Best of luck to you. You are on a road much less traveled. Be kind to yourself.

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/30/2013 16:59 PM

The strange part is that we are enjoying each other again for the first time in a while. Sexually and otherwise. Wh brought up that he is scared to lose that by convos
Isn't that HB. My suggestion is as long as you can have open honest communication in regards the A details, talk about it as much as you can. If its heated and really difficult go with the 20 min. convo. Our MC suggested setting a certain amount of time to go over the details and pain but to not let it consume our entire life. i.e. every conversation you have can't be about that. IMHO HB is great I too didn't want to lose that but your M needs some mending in order to have that type of bond for real. HB only lasts for so long. What I have learned is that it is really going to take alot of work and time to have that type of bond for the long haul. Alot of pain needs to be sifted through, alot of walls need to be brought down to have a true connection. Maybe you need to deliver your pain differently. Maybe not being mad. I know when I was pissed and tried these conversations it wasn't nearly as productive when I was calm and just listened and expressed my emotions. We are just about to the point talking about it isn't nearly as painful. I think for myself I needed to talk about it until it didn't hurt so damn bad. I am sorry you have to rehash those old wounds. But you are going to have to if you still want to R.

He has a defense mechinism inside him when someone gets mad he closes up and goes inward. It is going to take him digging to try and figure out why he does that. Walls need to come down. I know because I am dealing with my WW's defense mechanisms and her FOO. Its hard she doesn't quite know how to do it. How to dig deep. She wants to. We both want R. Its going to take time and hard work on our WS part and patience on ours.

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