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I dont want to miss him, he certainly doesnt miss us

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HelpMe123 posted 4/30/2013 17:49 PM

I am tired, tired from lack of sleep, tired from lack of food, tired from crying, tired from explaining to my son where is dad without bashing him. Tired. So why on earth do I miss him? Why on earth do I wish he would come home to us instead of going with her every single spare moment he has? Why do I choose to never be away from my son but he chooses to be away from him constantly to be with her. Why is she so important, and what did I do to deserve this? I cannot take the pain much longer. It's been almost 3 weeks and I am seriously suffering. I still cant eat, sleep or think straight and watching him leave to go to her kills....I don't think counseling is helping me much yet. I hurt so badly, but why? He treats me terrible, he treats our son not so great. I guess I fear he treats her good and we arent as deserving. But why? God please take this pain away.

OneFootForward posted 4/30/2013 17:57 PM

I cannot fathom your pain. I feel bad enough my spouse has admitted to the A, broken it off Om and wants to R (which could all be talk and talk is cheap). But to see you spouse leave and have to tell a child... To live with it.

I think you need to change the locks on the doors and see a lawyer. He has gotten so deep into the fog that the light of reason is no longer getting through. I understand wanted to self sacrifice for your family, but I would never do the same with a child. By the tearing of my heart from reading your post, I don't think you can to.

I am giving an honest to goodness hedge of protection prayer to you HelpMe123. Right now, in my cubicle, in my office as I work. I pray for your comfort, for you and your family. I pray for wisdom for your spouse and I pray for discernment for you.

isabell7605 posted 4/30/2013 18:10 PM

Dear HelpMe123
It's not strange that you miss him. Of course there is still love for him. Even if doesn't deserve it, but still the feelings are there.
It is ok to miss him, but don't let him mess with your life. Your son is not only your responsibility, his father is responsible too. So give as good explanation as possible to your son, but its not your job to explains on the behalf of his father. And kids can take I don't know-answers. IT IS ok to not know all the answers.
But take your time to think about weather you want to stand by and see his leave to go to her. And as I said, it is onto miss him, but that doesn't mean you have to stay or let him mess with your life.
Either he moves out or you and your son do! There is no middle way.
Take the time to feel the pain, I promise it will go away, take the time to miss him, that will get better as well.
But you can't stand still and just watch as he comes and goes.thats just not right, not for you, not to your lovely son.

Warmest wishes

HelpMe123 posted 4/30/2013 18:16 PM

He no longer comes to our home, he stays full time with his father, but his father lives across the street. I can see him leave, I can see his light never go on. I can see him on the phone when he pulls out of the driveway, laughing like life is so perfect for him. I sit here wishing he loved his family as much as he loves himself. My counselor told me he is abusive, and I just dont know it. I focus on the fleeting good moments and forgive the many terrible ones without ever holding him accountable and taking on the blame myself. But really I just want my family to stay together but I can't stop it from being destroyed. I am alone and sad, he moved on like I never existed...12 years just gone like it's no big deal.

meplusfour posted 4/30/2013 19:12 PM

HelpMe123, I feel for you, I truly do. No one deserves this and right now, your pain seems endless. It must be incredibly hard for you to see him coming and going. But you have made it this far, you can continue onwards. You will get through this, with your son, and emerge a stronger better person.

Sending you good thoughts.

Brokenheart777 posted 4/30/2013 20:26 PM

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so much pain. We don't know your exact pain but I assure you we have full understanding of how bad it can be.
I'm hoping the best for you. I hope that you can detach from your WH. Your focus on him hurts you so badly. Your thinking about how he could continue his horrible path is incredibly painful and invades your thoughts. It sucks, it absolutely does but you are grieving and you are surviving. There is clarity and a level of comfort in letting go. 180 for you and your DS. The longer you are fixated on WH and his actions the longer you will be in pain. It won't come easy but detaching and focusing on you and DS is absolutely what's best for you right now.

Hoping for your continued strength.

traveldad posted 4/30/2013 21:56 PM

Be assured, there is nothing wrong with you or the way you feel. Good people can‘t turn their love off for someone at will. It may hurt, but that is who you want to be. On the other hand, the fact that your WH has no compassion for you or his son, speaks volumes about him. When my XW was happily bouncing around the house in full infatuation with her new boyfriend, my 13 yr old daughter announced to her that what she was doing was hurting her. Her answer was "C****, you don't have to hurt." She watched my daughters cry for weeks, without being touched by their pain. Even suicide threats from my youngest daughter did nothing to slow her selfish prideful quest for a married man. I became disgusted with her quickly. The pain for my children endured.

The unselfish concern you express for your son, indicates that you are a good person and mother. I’m always a little confused with people in your situation, who are so hurt that they seem unconcerned for their children. In the coming months, you will come to realize what a disgusting man your WH is and your pain will subside little by little. Your concern will shift more and more to your son. You would love to take his pain. I hope I can allay your concerns on that matter a little. A month after our D was final, I took my oldest son, his wife, and my 13 and 15 yr old daughters on a cruise. I was hoping to take their minds off of their mother for a week, before school started. On the last night of the cruise, I went up on the deck by myself to give my daughters a chance to get dressed for formal night, without me in the room. I was watching the lights of Cancun and worrying about what would happen when summer was over and my daughters would leave the full time comfort of their dad. They had both been good girls, good students and I was concerned that this would affect them negatively. I guess my concern showed, because the wife of a couple looking at the same lights ask me if I was okay. I told what had happened, explaining that I thought I was married to a perfect wife with a perfect family. What she said will stick with me the rest of my life. She said “I never have seen great kids come out of perfect families, we all need struggles to grow”. For some reason, I knew she was right, and I felt some comfort. I knew I had to be strong and put one foot in front of the other and move on with my family. We did just that. My oldest daughter graduated as salutatorian of her class last May. My youngest daughter is leading a very competitive class and I fully expect her to march as valedictorian next year. You’re going to see how blessed you are to have your son. Crying, hurting, and being emotional now is okay for your son to see. God never gives us more than we can handle and you will get it together when the time is right. It will happen. You’re going to grow through this.

You don’t deserve him, you deserve much better. However, there is going to come a day when he comes down from his infatuation and can’t live with what he has done. At that point, he has to revise history. He is going to do everything he can to blame it on you. My favorites from my XW were “well you’re weren’t perfect”, “how do I know you never had an affair”, and “well you were a good husband and good father, but this is different” . Don’t give him the time of day.

And BTW, you never will be able to wrap your mind around how he could do this to your son, don't try.

allatsea posted 5/1/2013 05:38 AM

That is a lovely post. Thank you.

The sad thing for all of us is that the decision to end our marriages was taken unilaterally and without any consultation. Whilst we will all eventually heal from this and move on, and the WS will hopefully and eventually regret their selfish decision, none of us wanted to be in this place. That's what sucks.

tushnurse posted 5/1/2013 09:29 AM

TravelDad you said the same thing that I was going to but oh so much more eloquently.

Basically, that I believe everything happens for a reason, we may not know what that reason is when it happens, but for everything that we have to struggle to get through in life it makes us stronger, and builds us up if we work hard.

You will get through this, you will be stronger and be happy again.

(((( and strength ))))

Thinkingtoomuch posted 5/1/2013 09:30 AM

Helpme, you absolutely have to focus on protecting yourself right now. This is the worst time of shock. You must force yourself to drink fluids, eat, and do not look at his house, windows, car, him at all. Don't look out the front of your house if that's where you see him coming and going. Close the curtains partially to block. Focus on looking out the rear windows, open those curtains to let the bright light in. And sit outside in the back for a change of view/thoughts/prayer/meditate even for a few moments.

It's all about NC, and that means even looking.

Read the 180 and the yellow box as often as necessary to distract and learn.

We know it's hell.

Prayers and Hugs.

traveldad posted 5/2/2013 00:01 AM

I know your frustration Allatsea. It's very painful when you wonder where that person who loved you so much went. You try to appeal to their sense of decency and honor, but they act like you're a silly child who doesn't understand how special their love is with the OM or OW. It haunted me for a long time as to whether she changed from who she was or whether she always had the potential for doing what she did. I finally realized that she always had the potential and I couldn't see it. I will just warn you not to look for the Karma train to come around and hit them. You may not see it in your lifetime. These narcissistic people move on and never look back.

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