Hi everyone, I'm new here and have read a fair bit but no-one seems to be in a similar situation to me. A little of our story:
We had been married for 9.5yrs and had 5 young children (youngest 6 months). H and I had been fighting a bit, I was unhappy and no matter what I tried to express I never felt heard, I believe I was suffering from PND at the time and I just didn't realise it. Enter H's friend who kept calling while he was at work to check I was ok and discuss problems we had been having, constantly telling me H didn't treat me right, that the reason I was unhappy was H, blah, blah, blah. I asked H to move out after a huge fight one night and he did. About a month after we separated OM and I started a semi relationship, he pretty much only wanted friends with benefits there was never any real relationship there and it was very on again/off again for the 18 months that it occurred.
I broke it off completely at 18 months and spent 6 months thinking about life, why I was unhappy and just enjoying my friends and family. During this time I realised that I never stopped loving H and wanted to give it another shot. H said we needed to work on friendship and let it develop from there.
4.5 years later and we are still stuck in limbo. Neither of us have seen another person in that time, I have disclosed any detail he wants or needs to know 4.5yrs ago and am willing to answer any question at any time, he says he forgives me and trusts me now and knows I am sorry, H is 100% adamant that we are working on getting back together but I never see it happening. He decided to get divorced back in Feb (which completely shattered me as all I want is for us to be a happy family again and I would do literally anything he needs for us to achieve this), then he tells me after I had cried for a week and been totally devastated when the divorce was final that he wanted a fresh start, end the old marriage and work on a new relationship??? We started MC 2 months ago and he told H that he needed to make a decision that the M is what he wants and that he wants to work through our issues and give it a good 12 months to put everything into it to try and get back together. He swears it's what he wants and he is willing to try anything it takes, etc...
My problem comes from his actions. Nothing has changed, I am still not allowed to touch him, I can't say or do anything that he interprets as pushing or pressuring him to move along faster, he wants to go on family holidays with me and everything but god help me if I want to touch his arm briefly during a conversation. It feels like a friendship and nothing more, nothing has changed at all. There is absolutely no compromise about anything, everything has to be his way or nothing at all. I will eternally be sorry for the way I handled our relationship and the choices I made 6.5yrs ago, if I could change it I would in a heartbeat. I wish I could wash away his pain and make it all better for him. I am in no way trying to minimise his pain at all, but I don't honestly think he knows the massive degree of pain this 4.5yr limbo has placed on me. I don't honestly know how much more I can take emotionally, mentally or physically to be honest. Nothing I do is ever right, my opinion on everything is always wrong, everything I want he doesn't or he wants the opposite, if I say I want to move faster he always wants to move slower. I don't want to think this way about him but I am starting to fear that it may all be some subconscious way of him punishing me?? I don't believe he does it on purpose (I hope) but all of his actions seem to be pointing that way.
For example....when I first expressed my desire to R and did the full disclosure he was quite happy back then to be intimate, would hug me or give me a kiss on hello or goodbye, we were having sex, we spent a lot of time together, etc... Now I can't even touch him, he talks about going slow and not spending too much time together etc...
I ask him is this what he really wants, does he think he is too hurt to move forward with me, he always replies yes but then starts turning it around asking if I want out.
Every time I get upset, angry or frustrated about our situation or him pushing me away he starts saying I am just starting fights all the time and it's the fighting thats stopping us from getting back together and he thinks I am doing it to push him away because I don't really want to get back together??? OMG I am beyond frustrated because I would of walked away years ago if that was the case!! I am completely financially independent, own my own home that I purchased alone (we never owned a home), have a great job, doing really well raising the kids on my own and have for the past 6.5yrs...I am not here because I need him...I want to be with him. This limbo has been sheer hell and I don't wish this on my worst enemy. I don't think there is any way I can express what I have gone through in a million posts (and I am not comparing it to what he or any BS has gone through).
I am at a point now where something needs to change. I am starting to wonder if he is trying to push me so far that I just give up because he doesn't want to be known as the one who gave up on R?? Is this normal during R?? Is he maybe stuck in a stage or something??
I will do anything to help us past this stage!!!
Thanks in advance for any suggestions or help!